‘The Real Housewives of Melbourne,’ 1 x 8: No Show or Go Show?

To kick off this week’s Real Housewives of Melbourne episode, Lydia goes to visit her pal Lisa, who’s put together a beautiful dessert tray, but won’t eat any because she hasn’t had a carb since 1964. “Never too thin, never too rich,” she says, in what feels like a desperate plea to be cast on Season Two. Anyway, after gossiping about the housewives’ trip to Mission Beach, where everyone confronted Gina, the ladies start talking about Lisa’s job. Her husband doesn’t work anymore, and she’s had to take over the company. Hurray for women in power! But wait, Lydia has some important advice for her: “Ultimately, you’ve still got to be that sexy girl that you are, that beautiful wife, because men love that.” Thanks, Lydz! #progress

HAHAHAHA WHAT IS THIS JOB THING YOU SPEAK OF?

HAHAHAHA WHAT IS THIS JOB THING YOU SPEAK OF?!

Remember that book Andrea wants to publish — the one about how to treat your nannies like servants the highs and lows of being a working mom? Andrea heads to a major publishing house to pitch her book idea, and is disappointed when she’s told she should write a blog first, to build up a readership, and then think about trying to get her dumb ol’ book published. Sucks to suck, Andrea.

"Who do you actually think is going to buy your book?"

“Who do you actually think is going to buy your book?”

"Shit."

“Shit.”

Speaking of people who probably didn’t think hard enough about their business plans, Jackie and husband Ben head to a distillery to go over the nuts and bolts of putting together their alcoholic beverage line, La Mascara — and realize there’s absolutely no way they’ll be able to get the product ready in time for their launch party, which is only four weeks away. “The most shocking thing about the distillery,” Ben says, “was learning about all the little details that we haven’t thought about, like the bottles and the actual liquid, [and] the scale of actually bottling them.” So, basically all you’ve done is plan a launch party? I guess this is what happens when you ask your angel spirit guides to run your business.

"Babe, maybe we should have just stuck to throwing Mexican-but-not-too-Mexican parties."

“Babe, maybe we should have just stuck to throwing Mexican-but-not-too-Mexican parties.”

Andrea and Lydia go for lunch to ~debrief~ after Mission Beach. Um, wasn’t Gina the one who was verbally assaulted at dinner? WTF do YOU have to debrief about? Andrea lists off all the reasons she’s mad at Gina — the stilettos on the tennis court, the make-up in the bathroom, the lateness, that weird legal email, blah blah blah — and then concludes she isn’t going to invite Gina to the launch party for Liberty Belle, the skin center she’s opening with her husband, Chris.

Speaking of Andrea’s husband, he’s also helping with the facial reconstructive surgery for Janet’s son Jake, who we learned in last week’s episode was severely burned in a fire. Janet goes to Chris’s office to discuss Jake’s next surgery, which Chris thinks will give Jake “a real visible improvement.” Awesome! “It is ironic that I have used plastic surgery for how I look, and now my son is using it to try and make him better,’ Janet wisely observes. But in all seriousness, Janet’s an awesome mom. “There’s absolutely nothing that I would not do to help him with his recovery,” she says. “If I had to sell absolutely everything I own in the world, I wouldn’t even think about it.”

"Is there time for some quick Botox before I leave?"

“Is there time for some quick Botox before I leave?”

It’s time for the much-anticipated Liberty Belle launch party, which features a red carpet with a step-and-repeat, and paparazzi. Um, this is literally just a skin center. Let’s settle down, everybody. The ladies are having the best time without Gina, and Andrea “cannot wait to let loose and party.” Someone get this woman a virgin Shirley Temple! Even though they’re happy Gina’s not there, she obviously becomes the topic of conversation. Chyka — a.k.a. “Switzerland,” according to the other women — tells everyone they need to move on. Lydia’s pissed that Chyka’s defending Gina, when she’s at Andrea’s party. Anyway, they evidently do move on, because somehow the night evolves into this:

K.

And people say Brooklyn is fun!

With all that time not spent going to the Liberty Belle launch party, Gina has time to walk her dog dressed like this:

Looks comfy.

Looks comfy.

She stops mid-walk to call her stylist, Tre, and ask him if he’d come over and help her get ready for Chyka’s upcoming party.

Ben is planning a surprise hot date for Jackie. He won’t tell her what it is, but her psychic vibes tell her it’ll involve a boat. Jackie and Lydia go shopping so that Jackie can surprise Ben with some fancy lingerie. “I’m no model,” Jackie says as she steps out of the dressing room, “but I can’t stop perving on myself!” Thank you, Jackie, for the best line of the season so far. This scene also quickly becomes the most shocking of the season, as Jackie CASUALLY PURCHASES 4,025 DOLLARS’-WORTH OF LINGERIE. Being a psychic must be — er — way more lucrative than we thought.

"I think I'll buy 8,000 of these."

“I think I’ll buy 8,000 of these.”

In the next scene, Chyka’s hanging out in the Crate and Barrel catalogue that is her living room, when Janet calls her up to ask if Gina’s going to her party. Chyka isn’t sure if Gina’s going to come, but if she does, she hopes there won’t be any drama. Don’t worry, Chyka, big parties on the Real Housewives rarely result in dramatic altercations.

Can I move in pls?

Can I move in pls?

Ben takes Jackie out for their date, which shockingly doesn’t feature any uncomfortable cultural appropriation! Ben has big news to share: when La Mascara is up and running, he thinks he and Jackie “can make babies.” “Let’s put some more Bens in the world,” he says. Yes, let’s. Jackie says she’s had psychic vibes that she’s going to have twins.

Maybe we should start taking Jackie’s psychic vibes more seriously, because the next portion of the date actually does take place on a boat. “It’s hard to surprise Jackie,” Ben says, “because firstly, she’s psychic, and secondly, becuase if I do suggest there’s any surprise coming, she’ll just keep hounding me and hounding me to tell me what it is.” But I thought she was… psychic? Whatever the case, as they’re boating down the river, Ben presents Jackie with five-carat diamond earrings as an “I love you present.” And I thought I was spoiled when my boyfriend picked me up the sliced turkey I needed last week from the grocery store.

"I'd really like you to start producing babies... "

“I’d really like you to start producing babies… “

"... so I bought you these."

“… so I bought you these.”

Chyka’s getting ready for her big party, when she gets a phone call from Gina. She’s surprised. Like, really surprised:

Screen Shot 2014-09-14 at 9.26.30 PM

Turns out, Gina’s calling to let Chyka know she’s coming to the party. Gina wants to support Chyka, because Chyka’s the only one who called to check up on her after the Mission Beach fiasco. It looks like the night won’t be as drama-free as Chyka had hoped.

Tre, Gina’s personal stylist, comes over to help Gina get ready for Chyka’s party. Gina gives him the lowdown on the Mission Beach drama. “One of the girls, she almost morphed into a man,” she says, describing Andrea’s behavior at dinner. Then, in what’s basically the fairy godmother scene from Cinderella, Tre makes Gina look beautiful and tells her to have a great time at the ball party for Chyka’s random food company.

"Oh, Tre, you always know what's right"

“Oh, Tre, you always know what’s right”

Okay, but seriously, can we get a "Misadventures of Gina and Tre" spin-off series?

Okay, but seriously, can we get a “Misadventures of Gina and Tre” spin-off series?

It’s time for Chyka’s party! Chyka hasn’t told the other women that Gina’s about to show up, evidenced by the fact that all the women are sitting around talking about how much they hate Gina. Chyka reminds everybody they should try to move on, but Andrea and Lydia aren’t into it. Jackie has the best idea of all:

Screen Shot 2014-09-14 at 9.42.13 PM

Uh oh, here comes Gina. She’s beaten cancer and watched clients face jail time, so she doesn’t give a hoot about any trivial drama with the other women, she says. Everyone’s extremely surprised to see her — particularly Andrea, who bet Lydia $50 that Gina wouldn’t come.

Cue the Jaws theme music.

Cue the Jaws theme music.

Surprised.

Surprised.

Even more surprised.

Even more surprised.

SO #OVERIT

SO #OVERIT

As the women dance and try to enjoy Chyka’s party, Gina has an incredibly awkward conversation with Andrea’s husband, Chris, who evidently has no idea what happened in Mission Beach. Gina says the trip wasn’t good, and he asks if it was because of the weather. The only thing more uncomfortable than Gina and Chris’s conversation is the way the other women are dancing next to them.

What is even happening here.

What is even happening here.

To cap off the episode, all the ladies go outside onto the balcony to take in the view of the Melbourne skyline. They make a champagne toast to “moving on,” but Gina — though she goes along with it — is so not having it. “Perhaps they’re moving on to a new chapter of bad behavior,” she says.

Perhaps, indeed, Gina. Perhaps, indeed.

Perhaps, indeed, Gina. Perhaps, indeed.

 

‘The Real Housewives of Melbourne,’ 1 x 8: No Show or Go Show?