The Secret to Winning Miss America

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"I plan on making history by becoming the third Miss New York in a row to win Miss America by wearing not one but TWO long sleeve dresses. Oh, #worldpeace"
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"It worked! World peace!"
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Miss Connecticut, the 2012 Oscars called and they want Angelina's leg back...
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"If I don't win, at least I can reuse this dress for my Jessica Rabbit halloween costume! #genius #worldpeace"
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"And iiiiiiiiiiiiii stole this dress from the Grand Ole Opry!" - Miss Tennessee
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"Me veo mejor que todos ustedes perras #worldpeace" - Miss Puerto Rico
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"Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown."
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"Hey! I'm gliding here!" - Miss West Virginia

I may not know everything there is to know about beauty pageants –ahem, scholarship programs– but I’m pretty sure the 7, 982ish times I’ve seen Miss Congeniality has provided me with an adequate understanding of the fiasco- sorry, event.

For example, I know that one ever walks in a pageant, they glide. I also know: “Eyebrows, there should be two.” I know that New Jersey is called the Garden State “because ‘it’s too hard to fit Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State’ on a license plate” AND that every single one of those gals is wearing Satan’s panties.

I thought that was all I ever needed to know about the Miss America pageant but it turns out, I had more to learn. Namely, the secret to winning Miss America. And the secret is, drum roll please, long sleeves!

Seriously. Wear long sleeves, make it past the preliminaries. Wear long sleeves TWICE, win Miss America.

It works even when all of the odds are stacked against you, like they were for Miss New York Kira Kazantsev. You see, in the last two years the winners have both been from New York, so the chances of another Miss New York taking home the crown were slim. But Miss Kazantsev–who also may have won based on her the fact that she is raising awareness about domestic violence and/or that she’s on her way to becoming a lawyer –had a secret weapon up her sleeve(s).

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