The Secret to Winning Miss America

(Getty Images)
"I plan on making history by becoming the third Miss New York in a row to win Miss America by wearing not one but TWO long sleeve dresses. Oh, #worldpeace"
(Getty Images)
"It worked! World peace!"
(Getty Images)
Miss Connecticut, the 2012 Oscars called and they want Angelina's leg back...
(Getty Images)
"If I don't win, at least I can reuse this dress for my Jessica Rabbit halloween costume! #genius #worldpeace"
Advertisement
(Getty Images)
"And iiiiiiiiiiiiii stole this dress from the Grand Ole Opry!" - Miss Tennessee
(Getty Images)
"Me veo mejor que todos ustedes perras #worldpeace" - Miss Puerto Rico
(Getty images)
"Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown."
Advertisement
(Getty Images)
"Hey! I'm gliding here!" - Miss West Virginia

I may not know everything there is to know about beauty pageants –ahem, scholarship programs– but I’m pretty sure the 7, 982ish times I’ve seen Miss Congeniality has provided me with an adequate understanding of the fiasco- sorry, event.

For example, I know that one ever walks in a pageant, they glide. I also know: “Eyebrows, there should be two.” I know that New Jersey is called the Garden State “because ‘it’s too hard to fit Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State’ on a license plate” AND that every single one of those gals is wearing Satan’s panties.

I thought that was all I ever needed to know about the Miss America pageant but it turns out, I had more to learn. Namely, the secret to winning Miss America. And the secret is, drum roll please, long sleeves!

Seriously. Wear long sleeves, make it past the preliminaries. Wear long sleeves TWICE, win Miss America.

It works even when all of the odds are stacked against you, like they were for Miss New York Kira Kazantsev. You see, in the last two years the winners have both been from New York, so the chances of another Miss New York taking home the crown were slim. But Miss Kazantsev–who also may have won based on her the fact that she is raising awareness about domestic violence and/or that she’s on her way to becoming a lawyer –had a secret weapon up her sleeve(s).

We noticed you're using an ad blocker.

We get it: you like to have control of your own internet experience.
But advertising revenue helps support our journalism.

To read our full stories, please turn off your ad blocker.

We'd really appreciate it.

How Do I Whitelist Observer?

How Do I Whitelist Observer?

Below are steps you can take in order to whitelist Observer.com on your browser:

For Adblock:

Click the AdBlock button on your browser and select Don't run on pages on this domain.

For Adblock Plus on Google Chrome:

Click the AdBlock Plus button on your browser and select Enabled on this site.

For Adblock Plus on Firefox:

Click the AdBlock Plus button on your browser and select Disable on Observer.com.

Then Reload the Page