Emotional Shonda-Coaster, Week 5: ‘Scandal’ and ‘How To Get Away With Murder’

 

In case you missed last week’s episodes, here’s everything you need to know about the most important programming block of the week. All right, let’s get into it.

Grey’s Anatomy was pre-empted so that everyone could watch It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (I know), so we’re doing things a little bit differently. In honor of ~Halloween~, here are the spookiest moments from last night’s Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder.

SCANDAL

Olivia’s Sex Nightmare

It’s already creepy to have a sex dream that switches constantly between Fitz furrowing his brow as he crawls toward the camera and Jake’s piercing green stare as he crawls toward the camera (team Jaaaaaake) but it’s even scarier to have that very obvious dream interrupted by your dad sneaking up on you while you do laps at the pool. Frightful.

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The First Lady To End All First Ladies

At first the widow of the recently-deceased former President Cooper is all “Coop and I were simple folk” but it’s not long before she and Mellie are putting their shoeless but pantyhose-clad feet up on the furniture, drinking martinis in the early afternoon, and subtly influencing public policy while their dumb husbands are stumbling around, none the wiser. This isn’t scary in the sense that it’s frightening, but it is scary how much better at being president both of them are than Fitz, the actual guy with the job! #FireFitz

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Olivia Not Writing Down Jake’s Offshore Bank Account Number

I realize that Olivia repeating Jake’s Cayman Islands bank account number from memory was done for dramatic effect, but considering he really thinks he’s going to die and this is pretty important, maybe she should have jotted it down just in case? They let her bring her purse into his cell, and you can’t tell me that Olivia Pope goes anywhere without having beautiful stationery and expensive pens within arm’s reach.

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Papa Pope Manipulating the Prez

At this point, someone should have shipped Fitz off to Vermont where he could yell about jam 24/7 and stop ruining the country, because dude is terrible at his job. Papa Pope was practically openly making fun of him when he was talking him in the Oval Office, all “you know best, Mr. President” and “you’re always right, Mr. President” and STILL Fitz’s internal monologue never seemed to go beyond “This guy seems really nice, I should offer him more whiskey. I like whiskey.” How are you so dumb, Fitz?!

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Olivia And Fitz Yelling Simultaneous Monologues At Each Other

Oh god, enough with this love story already, and ESPECIALLY enough with having Olivia and Fitz scream their monologues at each other. How can I root for them to be together if he won’t stop yelling “ARE. YOU. SAYING. THERE’S. HOPE” every time she tries to talk? What is that about? Watching these two is the equivalent of watching this GIF over and over, day in and day out, forever. YOU. JUST. WANT. THEM. TO. ZIP IIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT.

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HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER

Frank’s Beard 

So one week Frank is a predator who is constantly sleeping with the innocent 1L girls, and then the next week he’s a “nice guy” who Laurel shouldn’t “lead on,” according to creepy Bonnie. Even worse than his morphing personality is his beard, which, I’m sorry, just looks like it always has old food in it. Blecch.

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When Asher’s Pre-Bonfire Victory Dance Ended And The Episode Began In Earnest

This is a VERY silly show that takes itself VERY seriously (the best kind!) and Matt McGorry’s horrible bro caricature is one of the show’s delights. ALSO a delight is that he appears to have no involvement with Sam’s murder and/or the Rebecca Issue, which only makes me love him more.

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But…Asher Is Sleeping With Bonnie?!

I do not get this. I do not get this because A. Asher is my favorite character, B. I can’t understand why super uptight Bonnie would ever be attracted to someone as, uh, exuberant as Asher, and C. Because Bonnie’s character is so cold, and all she seems to do is eavesdrop on conversations and tell people that the can’t talk to her and/or each other, that the thought of her clandestinely hooking up with a student, ESPECIALLY one who seems like he would have some difficulty keeping a secret, is a little bit tough for me to accept.

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Annalise Protecting Her Dumb Husband

Sigh. I understand that marriage is tough. I understand that this couple has a history. But it bums me out that Annalise is going to such great lengths to protect her husband for going down for Lila’s murder. Even if he didn’t do it, he still had a relationship with her! I don’t know, I feel like Annalise has earned the right to tell him he has to figure this one out on his own. Especially when Nate the super hot detective is just a few feet away (creepily surveilling her from his car, but still). DUMP HIM!!!!!

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  Emotional Shonda-Coaster, Week 5: ‘Scandal’ and ‘How To Get Away With Murder’