So, Noah. (I think I called him Derek last week, but I also think a member of the cast slipped up and called him Derek too, right? No? Sorry. But do any of us really believe that “Noah West” is a famous film star? It would have been more believable if they said, “Derek Hough from Dancing with the Stars got this movie green lit.” Then I’d be like, okay, he’s playing himself, cool.)
Anyway, Noah is auditioning for the role of Juliette’s baby daddy. Clearly this is a classic case of actors falling in love with whoever their leading lady happens to be, regardless of how many words they’ve spoken to one another (in this case, it’s what, 11?). Said showmance will usually last one to two weeks past filming. That means that when Noah tells Juliette, “You don’t have to go through this alone” what he really means is, “you don’t have to go through this alone as long as our names are next to one another’s on the call sheet.” I finally thought wee Juliette was gaining some perspective when she told Noah that she still wants to figure out where she stands with Avery, who, “showed up” and that no, she won’t be jumping into another ill advised relationship just yet. Then, Juliette asks Glenn where the back-up singers stay. I am so naïve I thought for a millisecond she was going to thank Zoe for telling Avery what happened. (What a fool I am, I always want to see the best in people.) But nope, Juliette was simply looking for Avery at Zoe’s hotel room, and now she gets the added thrill of firing Zoe in person. Giving someone’s bff her walking papers, right before you open your heart and beg for forgiveness is a pretty cold and bi-polar move, even for our girl J. I know I praised this exact behavior last week, but man, Juliette does not make it easy to love her. Regardless, she’s doing a pretty good job in this forgiveness speech to Avery, right up until that last sentence, where she issues the ultimatum to end all ultimatums: “love me and be my boyfriend again, or, you can’t see your child at all.” Juliette, WTF, this is not how you patch things up with an ex. In fact, those are the words of a true psycho. Remember a couple weeks ago, when Rayna said that Juliette was starting to sound like a mother? Well, now she sounds like Mommy Dearest. Thankfully, after Avery drives back to Nashville, he sobers up and realizes those options are total BS and that man, did he dodge a fucking bullet. Juliette can’t stop him from being a father to his child, and now that that world knows he’s the father, I doubt Juliette will ever again be able to tell a PA she doesn’t know anyone by the name of Avery Barkley. (But still in my optimist’s heart, I hope that these two can make it work at some point, when Juliette stops acting like such a crazy b. Ironically, it’s being with Avery that takes those b levels down a notch. Such is life.)
My second Optimist’s dilemma this episode came when, lady singer, “Pam York” (that’s her name, I checked!) urges Dylan to watch the CMA noms with the rest of the Wheeler crew. Here again, I naively thought “Deacon Claiborne, Live at the Bluebird” might get a little CMA love. Wrong again. The CMAs are all about RUKE! Rayna gets more noms than anyone but instead of celebrating, she just smells farts the rest of the episode because GMA and Twitter are saying it’s all because Ruke is a tabloid sensation. Obviously award shows, like the rest of Hollywood (and Nashville) love ratings! And nothing says ratings like a Royal Wedding. You really just can’t win with Rayna. She wants to be on top again, okay, Ray, you’re on top. Juliette wasn’t even nominated! But now she’s upset that she’s on top for the wrong reasons. Not to be classist, but Ray has some serious #princessproblems. Juliette plays that working class card pretty hard, but at least she can enjoy the good stuff when she gets it. Unfortunately, nothing’s ever good enough for Queen Rayna. Now, let’s talk about RUKE. Luke loves this shit. When Rayna brings up her apprehension about their nominations being due to their engagement and not their achievements, Luke’s thought bubble was probably, “Hell, hon, that’s why I proposed!” I wouldn’t be surprised if Luke wanted their wedding filmed a la an ABC Bachelor special. Hey, we’re on the right network for it!
I guess we have to talk about Gunnar, even though I’m hoping his nine-year-old son by his long lost love turns out to be some kind of dream plot that we all imagined. Apparently, it was more important for this chick to “feed and clothe” her son these past ten years than to “try and find his father”. That’s wonky logic to me, especially when the child’s father, Gunnar, is a good guy who would have helped her with said clothing and feeding. It’s not like Gunnar was Jason. Oh yes! I hope that’s it, Micah’s father is Jason! (Jason was Gunnar’s now dead, hard living brother, just FYI). The double bro lovin’ was why she ran away all those years ago, and now she’s claiming the kid is Gunnar’s to get some of that sweet, sweet royalty cash. I am way more into Gunnar being a secret uncle than a secret dad. Can we make that happen, Nashville?? Please?!?!?!
So, Gunnar tells Scarlett about Micah instead of his supposed girlfriend, Zoe, and I think we all know how that’s gonna turn out.
Scarlett offers the homeless black prophet the chance to clean Deacon’s gutters in exchange for a hot meal and clean pants. I guess her heart is in the right place, but this looks to me like another job Scarlett is getting this man to do for free. How about, “clean these gutters for $50, then I’ll wash your pants and give you dinner as a bonus?” Anyway, their friendship is spoiled when Scarlett snoops through his pants and then, “Can’t stop asking damn questions” about the family, with whom he clearly no longer has a relationship. Obviously, when you find a family photo in a homeless man’s pants, the backstory is not that he and his wife decided to “consciously un-couple” and you can bet your ass, he don’t want to talk about it. Scarlett can be such a dum-dum.
Oh, and Teddy played naked Marco-Polo with a hooker.
Next week: Ruke’s unraveling (hopefully).