Exciting news, everyone: There’s now less than a month until ABC blesses us with the next season of The Bachelor, or, as I like to call it, Who Wants to Be an Iowa Farmhand?
Just so we can all be fully prepared for the Jan. 5 premiere, I thought it’d be helpful for us to acquaint ourselves with this season’s batch of ladies vying for a seat on Farmer Chris’s tractor. Who’s most likely to quote Dr. Seuss as she steps out of the limo? Who’s most likely to get sent home for ripping too many shots at the first cocktail party? Who’s DEFINITELY going to dress up as a pirate on the first night? Let’s find out.
Highlights from bio: Alissa would be very sad if she never got to “play with puppies.” If she won the lottery, she’d “adopt dogs.”
Most likely to: only be in it for the farm animals. Things’ll get really painful when she realizes Chris’s farm is actually 99 percent soybeans.
Highlights from bio: Amanda hates cleaning, loves shopping and eventually wants to open her own ballet studio. How nice for her.
Most likely to: be the person who gives Chris an inevitably-awkward, music-less dance lesson at the first cocktail party.
Highlights from bio: Amber is 29 and lists “Teddy Bear” as the number one thing she couldn’t live without.
Most likely to: try to convince Chris that soybean farming, like, isn’t that cool and maybe he should just move in with her and her mom.
Highlights from bio: Ashley couldn’t live without foundation and mascara, and if she won the lottery, she’d “buy Sephora’s inventory.” Oh but wait—she also loves cheeseburgers and football. (For Gone Girl fans, Ashley is a definition “Cool Girl”.)
Most likely to: act like she’s totally cool with not getting the first impression rose but then go cry about to Chris Harrison.
Highlights from bio: Ashley couldn’t live without lip gloss and lists Sex and the City as one of her all-time favorite movies. At least she didn’t say Sex and the City 2, I guess?
Most likely to: not be able to locate Iowa on a map. (Then again, can anyone?)
Highlights from bio: Becca couldn’t live without Wi-Fi and Netflix. WELCOME TO RURAL IOWA, BEX.
Most likely to: lose interest when she learns farm life is about more than just selfies with baby animals and wearing oversized flannel shirts with leggings.
Highlights from bio: Woah you guys, Bo is cool—she was in the “top 12 on the Women’s World Qualifying for surfing.” I don’t really understand sports but that sounds impressive?
Most likely to: as a plus-size model, be another lame attempt by ABC to make this show remotely ~diverse~.
Highlights from bio: Britt may be a waitress in Hollywood, but wait until you hear her talk about literature. She lists “David Foster Wallace or Dave Eggers” as her favorite authors, because “Both men have (or had) such a grasp of the human experience and the English language. Great wordsmiths, highly eccentric.”
Most likely to: greet Chris with her favorite Dr. Seuss quote when she steps out of the limo.
Highlights from bio: Brittany is all about wrestling, you guys. “Learning to wrestle” is her greatest achievement to date, and “my shorts coming off in my very first wrestling match” is her most embarrassing moment.
Most likely to: punch another girl in the face over a rose.
Highlights from bio: Want to know what Carly can’t live without? I’m going to leave them right here: “God, family, mascara, curling iron, cut-off denim shorts.”
Most likely to: greet Chris with a song as she steps out of the limo. Oh god, I’m already cringing. No. NO.
Highlights from bio: When asked about her greatest achievement, she says “starting the launch of my business.” But when asked what she’d do if she won the lottery, she says, “Launch my business.” Did she start launching her business, and then stop? What happened, Jade? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!
Most likely to: be really judgmental of all the women who just want to marry Chris and have 7,000 of his babies.
Highlights from bio: Jillian’s worst date fear is a “guy with bad intentions.”
Most likely to: talk a lot—like, a lot—about being there “for the right reasons.”
Highlights from bio: One time, Jordan “jumped off the back of a boat bar naked in the British Virgin Islands and then was the bartender while the real one took a nap.” Wow, definitely share that riveting story if you make it long enough to meet Chris’s family.
Most likely to: be sent home for ripping too many shots at the first cocktail party. There’s always someone.
Highlights from bio: Juelia couldn’t live without her tinted mineral sunscreen. Her plans for winning the lottery also show an impressively progressive notion of gender roles: “Buy property and travel the world! And shop of course…I am a woman. :)”
Most likely to: only be in it for a shot at Bachelor in Paradise.
Highlights from bio: Kaitlyn’s from Canada so I automatically like her, even though this is what she’d do if she won the lottery: “Pay back my parents for all my dance lessons, buy an island and make it into a land of pirates. It would be called Yarrrland.”
Most likely to: please, lord, do not come out of the limo dressed as a pirate.
Highlights from bio: Kara’s from Kentucky, and she couldn’t live without Mountain Dew and Jesus. I COULDN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP, YOU GUYS.
Most likely to: have zero concerns whatsoever about fitting in in Iowa.
Highlights from bio: Kelsey’s favorite movies are “Good Will Hunting, What About Bob?, and Mean Girls ” because they’re “great to psychoanalyze.”
Most likely to: creep Chris out on the first night by telling him she watched him on Andi’s season, and already knows “exactly how his mind works.”
Highlights from bio: Kimberly graduated college with honors, and also loves yoga, popcorn, and makeup.
Most likely to: act really zen and say she doesn’t believe in drama—until some girl cuts in on her one-on-one time with Chris.
Highlights from bio: Um, Mackenzie looks exactly like Natalie Portman?
Most likely to: talk constantly about missing high school because OH WAIT it was only two years ago. (Chris is 33, BTW.)
Highlights from bio: Megan loves it when dates look her in the eyes and/or tell her stories.
Most likely to: attempt to break back into the Bachelor mansion after being eliminated on the first night. Cue the shaky cam.
Most likely to: show up with her and Chris’s entire wedding—down to the grand entrance on horseback and soybean-flavored wedding cake—already planned out.
Highlights from bio: Nicole is proud of herself for “being successful enough to have the means and ability to travel wherever I want.” Ummmmm does she realize she’s signing up to live on a farm for the rest of her life or……
Most likely to: be way too smart for this shit.
Highlights from bio: If you’re a former NFL cheerleader, WHAT ARE YOU NOW, NIKKI?! Nikki couldn’t live without “carrots” and has/at one point had a contract with Wilhelmina Models. Cool cool.
Most likely to: constantly spew out a sob story about how much she misses cheerleading, a la Josh “I used to play baseball” Murray.
Highlights from bio: UMMM CADAVER TISSUE SALESWOMAN?! And here I was thinking “pantsapreneur” was the apex of ridiculous contestant job titles.
Most likely to: caress Chris’s soft, soft skin with a terrifying twinkle in her eye.
Highlights from bio: Samantha has a teacup Maltese and couldn’t live without lip gloss.
Most likely to: think it’s “adorable” how Chris, like, makes money by planting things.
Highlights from bio: Tandra (LMAO of course there’s someone named Tandra) actually seems really cool. She likes French rock music! Her headshot looks natural and not like a Toddlers in Tiara pose!
Most likely to: score the First Impression Rose. I have a hunch.
Highlights from bio: Cool “job,” Tarz! Tara couldn’t live without her beaver stuffed animal named “Beave,” and she has an identical twin.
Most likely to: present “Beave” as a gift to Chris on the first night as a sign of her eternal love.
Highlights from bio: Tracy is terrified of having food in her teeth and couldn’t live without face wash.
Most likely to: not want to have any physical contact with Chris so she can ~set a good example~ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Highlights from bio: Her greatest dating fear? “Eating something that gives me ‘di-di’.” Again, I could not make this stuff up.
Most likely to: Have di-di at the first cocktail party.
Highlights from bio: Whitney loves men who open the door for her, and is scared of “being alone. Never finding love or getting to have a family.” Aww, Whit! There’s always Bachelor in Paradise!
Most likely to: have already used her and Chris’s photos to determine what their future babies will look like.