So over the weekend the last two episodes of Game of Thrones season four were shown in more than 150 IMAX theaters, and it would appear that a full trailer for season five came along with them. And if you like BIG GIANT IMAX QUALITY, then you will love that, uh, cell-phone grainy quality footage of the trailer above! (But seriously, I promise to update if better comes along.)
But still! Even looking like it was filmed with the same camera they used on The Blair Witch Project, this is so exciting. Game of Thrones is one of those shows you think you don’t mind not having and you’re all like “I’ll be fine, I have all these other prestige dramas” and then you see a fucking dragon burn someone’s face off and all that nonsense is forgotten.
So what do we see in this teaser? So many things!
- We get our first look at Dorne, which before was only alluded to by Oberyn Martell and his general aura of sexiness. And it looks like the third favorite hobby of Dorne, behind fucking and group-fucking, is whipping barrels and burying people in the sand. Fun!
- Tyrion falls out of a box and suddenly has the largest, bushiest beard in all the seven kingdoms. Look at that damn thing. Thanks to some foreshadowing from Varys it’s obvious Tyrion is going to attempt to meet up with Daenerys, who is very far away from Kings Landing at the moment. All this means is, no spoilers, a big fat book plot might be condensed or completely taken out. Or, perhaps, the show will mix things up as not to catch up to the books too quickly. Hurry, George R.R!
- Speaking of Danny, who I still think should have taken those goddamn boats and went back to Westeros but that’s neither here nor there, is content where she is halfway across the world and breaking wheels and stuff. Things seem to be going pretty well, though, because the harpy idol on the pyramid of Meereen gets dragged down off its perch in the most epic way possible. Jesus this show’s budget must be huge.
- Jorah Mormont, poor old heartbroken Jorah Mormont, is back, baby, and he is fighting…someone? In a pit?
- David Bowie’s ‘Heroes’ as covered by TV On The Radio? Are you kidding me??
- Jon Snow is looking forlorn while wind and snow blows all around him. Big change for Jon Snow.
- There’s like a split second of Bronn, which means a split second of pure bliss.
- There’s also a quick, quick shot of Arya knocking on a two-sided, black-and-white door. Again, no spoilers, but this means Arya’s coin bought her passage to exactly where she wanted to go at the end of Season four.
Game of Thrones returns April 12. Just three looooong months away. I’ll just be sitting here, waiting, growing out a beard not even half as impressive as Tyrion’s beard.