We all have secrets. For example, I’ve never seen Gone With the Wind. I don’t generally offer up this information unless somebody specifically asks me “have you seen Gone With the Wind?” I won’t lie to them. I’ll point up to the sky and say “Did the Woody Woodpecker Macy’s parade balloon get loose?” and then run away because that is my little secret. On the Real World there is an attitude among the housemates that if you have any secrets, then you are not “being real.” If you’re not being real, then how can you possibly be on a show called Real World? “Real” is one half of the title of the show. Of course, everyone there has secrets. This season they are calling those secrets “Skeletons.” There are some skeletons you don’t bring up after only knowing people for five days. You wait until at least the sixth day like a normal person.
Jason walks around the house naked. There must always be at least one male cast member willing to do this or the show is canceled. Beauty and the Geek’s fourth season never happened because the producer’s couldn’t find someone down to go the Full Monty. The roommates talk about his “Anaconda,” which is a very funny movie starring Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube.
Bruno and Sylvia are mad because they made out within the first three days of living together. To recap their beef: Sylvia was talking to Tony at dinner. Tony is both of their roommates and a perfectly reasonable person to talk to. Bruno took this as Sylvia “doing her thing” and figured he should also be doing his own thing so he picked up a girl at the bar in front of her. Sylvia was not a fan of this. Bruno clearly does not want to be talking about this when Sylvia brings it up the next day so he tells her “you probably need your own time to think,” which is a magical way of avoiding a conversation. Bonus points.
The whole crew goes to Millennium Park because the show is set in Chicago and contractually you must visit the giant shiny Bean statue or else you lose your permits to film there. Tony is excited to “flick the bean” which is not a good idea because the statue is very solid and you could severely damage a cuticle by doing that.
At the park we are also introduced to the Wolf Pack. The Wolf Pack is made up of Nicole, Bruno, and Jason because “they are the strongest ones in the house” and the Hangover is still a popular movie to reference.
Bruno has invited Carla, the woman he picked up at the bar to come over to the house, where he lives with Sylvia, the roommate he has kissed with great force. Sylvia, Madison, and V have a girl’s night out because they don’t want to be around for these unwanted visitors. Violetta reveals that she has an alcohol-fueled alter-ego named Clarice who comes out and does the white girl dance. Clarice is the name of Jodie Foster’s character in Silence of the Lambs but V’s other personality is more like Buffalo Bill. When the girls get home, they are all totally faced. But Carla is still there! Bruno has to hide her upstairs where nobody can find them. In a perfectly well-thought out plan that could have zero possible consequences, Tony starts to flirt with Sylvia to keep her distracted from finding Bruno with another woman in the house. Except Madison, the girl that Tony has made out with in the house, is sitting right there. Oops!
Luckily for everyone, V as Clarice sees Carla’s friend and begins to make out with her in front of everyone. Nobody asks how Carla’s friend is still there but Carla has disappeared because it is more fun than anything else to watch your friend make out with the friend of someone you don’t like. The next morning, V doesn’t remember any such kissing and the guys tease her about it. This leads to a fight between her and Jason where he accuses her of having a mouth bigger than her cheeks and says some generally terrible and un-cool things to her. Up to this point, Jason has been the most reasonable person in the house and it’s disappointing to see him lose it here.
Everyone goes kayaking and Nicole dances in the kayak. Nicole is the most fun roommate so far and I would definitely chill with her at the Staten Island mall and eat Dippin’ Dots, the ice cream of the future.
Madison, V, and Sylvia go out for a bonding session while Tony joins the Wolf Pack for a night out. The girls get a tour around the city by Cole, one of those magical local folks who show up as background characters on the Real World. Cole wants to be Madison’s Chicago boyfriend and they kiss while everyone gets twisted. Meanwhile, the Wolf Pack has only one main goal: to get laid.
They hit the rooftop club and Bruno meets a new girl who wants to know why they are filming him. In a perfect moment, the girl looks at the cameras and asks “Should we do something?” Bruno responds “Like what? A kiss?” The girl knowingly nods and they make out for the audience. Amazing television.
Later that night, the roommates collide back at the house. Sylvia is the most drunk followed by V and then Madison. The Wolfpack had a leisurely night of gallivanting and are not intoxicated. Tony goes in on V a little too hard and oversteps, not realizing that V is a jack-in-the-box of death ready to explode at any moment (who I am personally terribly afraid of because she has a THUG LIFE lip tattoo and I would never ever say anything bad about). Tony picks up the Production Phone which is like the Batphone only it goes to a secret room in the house where the producers watch monitors of what is being filmed. He jokingly ask if they can take a vote to kick V out. Violetta, who I have nothing bad to say about, does not like being bullied because of her past and gets tight on him. Bonus points to her for using the term “tip of my bitchberg.” To end the night’s events, Sylvia stumbles into the confessional, pulls her underwear down and pees on the couch. Bonus points to her for taking this like a champion good sport and laughing about it.
The next day, Tony sees a picture of Madison and Cole. He won’t admit he’s jealous but he is because Madison is slowly becoming not his type by not being into him. Tony and V make up and he realizes an important lesson, which is don’t mess with V, who I plead the fifth on.
V, Madison, and Sylvia go mud wrestling and get thrown around by semi-pro Chicago mud wrestlers. They are bonding and it is nice to see the girls getting along. In the meantime, Bruno has the camera-kisser girl and her friends come over to the house. Her friends are not legally old enough to drink. I’m just going to put this here and tiptoe away: that is a creepy. Bruno and his new lady go into the hot tub. She makes the mistake of calling him shy. Bruno responds by giving her his patented neck-breaker kiss finishing move. Then she goes into the bathroom. Bruno follows her. The sounds guy moves the boom mic closer to the door and Bruno says, “This is so good.” They do something that involves their bodies and then five minutes later Bruno sneaks out. Again, mega-Anaconda size bonus points to the screen-labeling department.
I have no idea why this episode is called “Three way” and I’d really like somehow to show me.
Next week, the first Skeleton arrives. Get ready.