‘Real World Skeletons’ Episode 7: All the King’s Women


​The king in his closet. (MTV.com)

Quick, think of your favorite juggler. Come up with anything? If you type the phrase “famous jugglers” into an internet search engine, be prepared for Yahoo! to metaphorically laugh at you. I won’t claim to be well-versed in the lay of the juggling community land, I’m sure it is vast and welcoming. But the only people I have ever heard of from the search results are all famous for other things: Penn Jillette (magic), W.C. Fields (alcohol).  Juggling looks cool at first: Things in the air! With hands! But the novelty wears off quickly. You have to raise the stakes at an exponential level to keep it interesting: Knives! Chainsaws! Sharks! But by the second or third time you’ve seen a juggo throw some double-edged Hammerheads, it’s all old hat. That’s when you have to go hard core. The most dangerous game: humans. Hello, Skeleton Juggler Tony.

Tony moved into the Real World house. Tony left behind a girl named Elizabeth at home. Tony also has a first love named Alyssa, who he refers to as his “stalker ex,” even though he invites her to come visit. Tony falls for Madison in the house because she is “his type” because every living human woman is his type. Tony has sex with Madison. The next morning, Skeleton Elizabeth shows up and moves in. Tony ditches Madison to get back with this ex even though she bosses him around and snaps her fingers at him. Madison tries to befriend Elizabeth but fails. Tony’s other ex-ex-girlfriend, Skeleton Alyssa shows up because Tony is really Two Skeleton Tony, King of the Skeletons. He is the king because he calls his ex-gf Princess and his ex-ex-gf Queen. They both know about these nicknames.  Madison befriends Alyssa and succeeds. At the start of this episode Tony is now kissing his ex-ex-girlfriend Skeleton Alyssa on the back patio. His ex-but-maybe-not-ex-girlfriend Skeleton Elizabeth is inside the Real World house with the girl-he-had-sex-with-last-night Houseguest Madison. Tony has hooked-up in one form or another with all three of these people in less than 48 hours. Jason is entertained. The whole house is entertained. Hell, I’m entertained and I’ve seen 30 seasons of this show.

Tony is torn about being stuck in the house with his ex, his first love, and his current hook-up. They keep teaming up on him in various combinations. Madison and Alyssa corner him in the shower and call him out for being manipulative.  V gets mad that Madison is involved in this shouting match, which is confusing. Since Madison slept with him the night before his exes moved in, it feels like she has just as much right as any ex to yell at him for his juggling. Tony’s solution to this problem? Go out with all of the roommates and flirt with various “Random Girl” and “Bar Local” characters in front of all three of the women who loooooove him. This unites the three girls until Tony makes out with Madison in front of the other two. Then they hate Madison. And Tony. But not really Tony. Tony gets yelled at in the van. When he gets home, he punches holes in the walls.

With all of this drama going on, Jason feels like this is the perfect time to tell Sylvia that he has feelings for her. Sylvia warns him that she is violent and not a proper match for him. At the same time, Drunk V is in the backyard threatening Madison that she better not befriend whatever Skeleton shows up for her since Madison actually has tried to make friends with every one of them so far. V snuffs Madison, Madison jumps up and tries to push V off of her. Sylvia, who is mid-sentence telling Jason that she is a violent person, sees what looks like V getting attacked by Madison and pounces, putting Madison in the headlock of death (which actually really closely resembles Bruno’s aggressive make-out of doom maneuver). The fight gets broken up and Madison is carried off outside. Nicole is disgusted by the drunk fighting. The chokehold looks really bad. To the point that MTV aired the “if you need more information about the issues seen in this episode” bumper before the commercial.

Madison wants to leave. Tony calms her down in her bed. He really doesn’t want her to go because he really has feelings for her. Really. Madison goes to sleep. Tony leaves the room and bumps into Elizabeth. Elizabeth pulls Tony into the laundry room. They hook up. They really instantly hook up right after Tony is finished convincing Madison not to leave and giving her tiny goodnight kisses all over her head. Alyssa is looking for Tony. She sees Elizabeth leaving the laundry room with Tony, both missing articles of clothing. Alyssa follows Tony back into the room Elizabeth is sharing with Madison. The screen labeling department puts a nice fat arrow on Madison in bed while Alyssa is screaming at Tony for being in the laundry room with Elizabeth. Is this hard to keep up with? YES?!?! And I watched these shows with a damn pencil and paper taking notes and I still can’t keep up with who Tony is hooking up with at the moment. Alyssa is furious at Tony and starts to flirt with Jason. Jason doesn’t want to step on his boy’s toes but also Tony basically has a line the size of Space Mountain’s worth of women wanting to hook up with him regardless of his behavior so what does it even matter? Although, the next day Alyssa says she’s not down with all that random hook up stuff and nothing happened with Jason.

The Producer calls the house and tells them that he’s not sure the house guests are aware of how big a deal that fight was. They call everyone together to re-watch it on the computer. This is by-far the best part of the new Real World format. Fighting is not tolerated and you can’t put your hands on someone or you get kicked out. In the past they’ve even kicked out people if the other house guests don’t feel safe around you, without any physical violence.  But the house guests don’t see themselves until the show airs. Now they have to watch it in front of each other. Pretty good idea. And Sylvia is definitely going to get the boot, right? Nope. The house guests all watch it. Nicole is still rightfully disgusted. V sees what she did and feels terrible. Sylvia is not sorry because she thought Madison was attacking her friend and would have done it anyway. So she’s not sorry and choked someone out. Does she get kicked out? Nope. Apparently the new rule is that you actually have to murder a house guest and wear their skin like a suit. If you don’t put their skin on but still kill them, you can stay but you have to live in a hotel like Bronne in Cancun.

V apologizes to Madison. All the roommates go to some Oyster fest where Madison and Sylvia buy each other beers and forgive one another. Then it’s time for Tony’s two skeletons to leave. Tony frees Alyssa by saying he doesn’t want to be with her again so she can do the impossible—start to get over him. In a shocker, Elizabeth tells Tony that she is done with him and won’t even hug him goodbye. This just leaves Tony with Madison ( oh and also every other woman who is his type, which is every other woman in the world.) Early in the episode, Tony says there’s no way he can win in this situation but he already did. No matter how shitty he was to any of the girls, they kept wanting to be with him again. Tony is the Nigerian Prince SPAM scheme. It is a classic that keeps working without being updated because the people who don’t fall for it, were never going to fall for it. But that still leaves a whole huge group of potential victims out there who think it sounds like a legitimate idea. When you’re the king of juggling, there will always be some more balls willing to jump into your hands.

‘Real World Skeletons’ Episode 7: All the King’s Women