‘The Bachelor’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony, Week 3

OMG ITS JIMMY KIMMEL just kidding this is the worst episode of all time.

I would pay triple that to never have Jimmy Kimmel come near this show again.

The Bachelor is so good, it’s frustrating that we have to cap it off at a measly two hours per week. That’s why each Tuesday, we’ll be having a Bachelor morning-after rose ceremony to celebrate the people, places and moments that really made the previous night’s episode shine.

rose iconI’ll start by awarding negative seven bajillion roses to Jimmy Kimmel, whose presence on last night’s episode of the Bachelor was completely unfunny, unnecessary, and unexplained. It’d be one thing if Jimmy Kimmel were on the Bachelorette, and could joke around with all the dudes. But Jimmy Kimmel mocking the women on the set of the Bachelor felt uncomfortable and patronizing—particularly when the women felt obligated to laugh at his lame, degrading sex jokes, or when they had to pretend to enjoy having him crash their dates and eat disgusting chicken wings and ask disgusting questions about the Fantasy Suite and just be so disgusting in every imaginable way. Okay, I am done now.

Also, can we just agree there's way Chris knew who the f*** Jimmy Kimmel even was.

Also, can we all just agree there’s no way Chris knew who the f*** Jimmy Kimmel even was.

rose iconJust kidding! I’m actually not done. A rose to the following text messages from my dad, who was watching the show back home in Canada: “Hating the fact Jimmy Kimmel is on tonight. Makes mockery of Bachelor franchise”; “They’re on a date and this f***ing idiot is crashing it. He’s not one bit funny”; “Please tell me he’s only on this episode?”; and, lastly, “I hate this. So bad.”

Even Chris Harrison looks pissed about it tbh.

Even Chris Harrison looks pissed about having to share the spotlight. NOBODY PUTS CHRIS IN THE CORNER.

rose iconA rose to the innocent lives forever traumatized by Chris and Kaitlyn’s terrible Jimmy Kimmel-inspired trip to Costco, namely a) the children who had to pretend it was fun to push two full-grown, possibly intoxicated adults around in a giant inflatable ball, and b) all the starving kids who wanted to eat ketchup and mayonnaise tonight but instead they ate NOTHING because Jimmy Kimmel needed to ~be funny~.

“I don’t think there’s many other girls that I know that could handle a date like this with such class,” says Chris, putting subtle, angry emphasis—or so I’m convincing myself—on the words “date like this.”

IF THIS ISN'T CLASS I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

IF THIS ISN’T CLASS I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS

"do i get ketchup if i do this"

“do i get ketchup if i do this”

rose iconNo roses to the grossest scene in Bachelor history, not only because there are chicken wings in a hot tub, but because what could have been a very nice make-out sesh was tarnished by an annoying guy trying and failing to be funny. Honestly, can someone explain to me how Jimmy Kimmel actually added anything to Chris and Kaitlyn’s hot tub scene?  WHO AMONG US WATCHES THE BACHELOR FOR ‘COMEDY’?! God, I hate this episode. Kaitlyn gets a rose, BTW.

GTFO JIMMY THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU

GTFO JIMMY THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU

rose iconRoses to the chickens, goats and pigs that were unquestionably harmed in the making of this unprecedentedly terrible episode. Additionally, roses to every viewer who cringed harder than they’ve ever cringed before at Chris’s use of the phrase “drinking goat milk right off the teat.” I get that you’re a Farmer, but like, can u not?

"help me"

“help me”

The closest thing Chris has ever seen to porn.

The closest thing Chris has ever seen to porn.

rose iconA rose to Farmer Chris, who I thought was going to be really boring, primarily due to the copious grain-shoveling footage we saw on the first episode. But nay, it looks like all those years alone in Iowa have made Farmer Chris the opposite of boring; in other words, the man will ferociously make out with anything that isn’t a soybean.

"those goats—i mean you—were so sexy today"

“those goats—i mean you—were so sexy today”

"tbh i don't know your name but let's make out"

“tbh i don’t know your name but let’s make out”

And yet of course—because an Iowan farm wife ought to be chaste—No-Kiss Becca snags the group date rose (sorry Carly).

"omg like thanks chris!!!!"

“omg like thanks chris!!!!”

"I DRANK MILK OFF THE TEAT, BITCH"

“I DRANK MILK OFF THE TEAT, BITCH”

rose iconA rose to Chris and Whitney’s wedding crashing date, which was super spontaneous, despite the fact that they’d clearly packed evening wear, expertly wrapped a rather large wedding gift, and had a casual conversation about how attractive it is to Chris “when a girl can be in a crowd and randomly talk to strangers.”

"It's a good thing I thought to bring this gift-wrapped blender on our date, huh?"

“It’s a good thing I thought to bring this gift-wrapped blender on our date, huh?”

Anyway, Chris is super turned on by the way Whitney confidently tricks and lies to all of Nick and Shannon’s wedding guests, so he gives her a rose.

"maybe somebody we'll get married just like nick and shannon?"

“maybe somebody we’ll get married just like nick and shannon?”

"i mean, statistically, probably not"

“i mean, statistically, probably not”

rose iconA rose to the most interesting love story playing out on this show—not between Chris and any of the women, but between Britt and Jillian. May Britt, Jillian, and Jillian’s potential bum hair escape this joke of a show and go pursue their love somewhere else. Like a gym.

Not buying my theory? Please observe the following highly scientific evidence:

They pretend to laugh at Jimmy Kimmel's bad jokes together!

They pretend to laugh at Jimmy Kimmel’s bad jokes together!

They react to the idea of "drinking goat's milk out the teat" together!

They react to the idea of “drinking goat’s milk off the teat” together!

They stroll hand-in-hand at pool parties together!

They stroll hand-in-hand at pool parties together!

rose iconNo roses to Juelia, who I suspect probably could have chosen a more appropriate time—like, literally any time other than a pool party—to tell Chris about that time her husband fatally shot himself in the head, leaving her a single mother to a newborn baby.

"we need to talk about something serious"

“we need to talk about something serious”

"should i have bought more beach balls?"

“should i have bought more beach balls?”

rose iconA rose to Jade, who, at the last minute, emerges from relative obscurity to ask Chris for a tour of his place, and proceeds to nearly takes his virginity make-out with him in his bed. Somewhere, Chris Harrison is gleefully tapping his fingertips together and applauding himself on this season’s marked lack of rules. “YOLO,” he whispers softly.

Those heels look practical.

Those heels look practical.

rose iconA rose to resident virgin Ashley I., who somehow defied the four cardinal rules of Bachelor-dom: don’t complain about drama with the other girls; don’t cry when you complain about drama with the other girls; don’t drunkenly make out while teetering on the edge of a roof; and, most importantly, avoid “head jewelry” at all costs. Somehow, Virginal Ashley commits all of these offenses, and yet still scores a rose.

Also, can we talk about Ashley's pre-kiss face?

Also, can we talk about Ashley’s pre-kiss face?

rose iconBut most of all, a rose to the Onion Girl. She literally had zero screen time this week but she still scores a rose, proving that despite Jimmy Kimmel’s horrible guest appearance, there is, in fact, still magic on this show.

"i will accept this onion"

“where are we”

‘The Bachelor’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony, Week 3