So as you can see by that Twit-vid up there, Lady Gaga will be coming to the American Horror Story, in the show’s fifth season apparently subtitled Hotel.
And, well, okay listen I’ll get to Gaga in a minute but can we talk about Hotel? Isn’t a hotel just a big wooden place with different people in it? Sort of like a house? Sort of like a Murder House? Coming off the awful Freak Show season, is the best we’re going to get is a ton of ripoffs from The Shining that will be called homages to The Shining? Like when Freak Show did an “homage” to Freaks, but it was actually just that scene from Freaks reshot with better cameras and different actors? No wonder Jessica Lange jumped ship. My only regret is I couldn’t watch her literally jump ship. She would’ve done it so over the top. There would be so much flailing.
But yeah, anyway, Lady Gaga. I don’t think it’s the most terrible move in the world. At least people will watch. And she was in Sin City 2 that one time! And uh….she was an Alien on a Monitor (uncredited) according to IMDB! These credits say she can act, at the very least, 40% better than Emma Roberts.
Now, as for who she will play, here are some options, based on my in depth knowledge of how Ryan Murphy’s brain works:
- Lady Gag, who is just this lady who is always doing all this gross stuff, like, I don’t know cutting off people’s faces and everyone around her is like, “Ew, I could just gag.”
- This real old housekeeping woman at the hotel. And some Nazis come and stay at the hotel, and this old housekeeping woman keeps killing them in crazy ways, until we finally learn this old woman is a 110 year old Maria von Trapp. “I’m not von Trapped in here with you!” she can yell at one point. “You’re von Trapped in here with me!”
- Herself! Ahh! Spooky!
- A ventriloquist that comes to stay at the hotel carrying this giant suitcase, and then it turns out her ventriloquist puppet is actually just Tony Bennett.
- Snippy, the bellhop with a deadly secret.
- Alien on TV Monitors (uncredited)
So yeah, those are all free of charge, Mr. Murphy. Let’s try and make this one a little more season one and a little less, uh, everything else.