The Bachelor is so good, it’s frustrating that we have to cap it off at a measly two hours per week. That’s why each Tuesday, we’ll be having a Bachelor morning-after rose ceremony to celebrate the people, places and moments that really made the previous night’s episode shine.
A rose to all women who expressed serious concern for Kelsey’s mental health during her panic attack on the floor of the hotel.
A rose to Kelsey for picking this episode up exactly where she left off: at Gone Girl levels of craziness. After writhing on the floor in breathy spasms of panic, Kelsey rises, Exorcist-like, a wild smile on her face, and declares she had better be getting a rose now—what with all that
melodramatic high-pitched breathing she practiced very, very tragic suffering she’s endured. BTW did you guys know she’s a widow?!?!
Anyway, because Chris has the spine of a squid, Kelsey gets a rose, meaning Samantha (we hardly knew ye) and Mackenzie get the boot.
A rose to No-Kiss Becca, who, judging by Kelsey’s facial expression upon her receipt of the one-on-one date card, might not live long enough to finally not be a virgin.
No roses to Kelsey’s dead husband, whose dead-ness, all of a sudden, is not helping Kelsey achieve her goals as effectively as she hoped. While Chris takes No-Kiss Becca on a horseback-riding one-on-one date, Whitney and Carly confront Kelsey about her freakish behavior.
“I didn’t go through all this shit,” Kelsey says, a single eye beginning, ever so slightly, to twitch, “the death of a spouse, loss in numerous, numerous ways … just to, you know, to be defeated. And to allow my emotions just to get the best of me, or to lose sight of my ultimate dream. I came here to win it.”
A rose to the biggest bomb dropped on this episode that no one, for some reason, is talking about: that Farmer Chris wants four to six kids. The news goes over alright with Becca, who I’m pretty sure was raised in the Duggar family, but I’m very concerned about the seven other women sitting at home, happily guzzling wine, blissfully unaware that they may never drink alcohol again because, should they marry Chris, they will literally spend the entire rest of their lives forming miniature humans in their uteri. But no, seriously—why hasn’t he established this fact with everyone? Does he really think Kaitlyn is ready to be a mother of four? Does he really think Hypothermic Jade is prepared to deliver six babies?
Anyway, Chris is evidently satisfied with Becca’s willingness to birth offspring, because he gives her a rose. And a kiss.
A rose to Big & Rich’s John Rich, who, after winning Celebrity Apprentice, no doubt thought his career was on the upswing.
A rose to this banjo player who crossed the Bering Strait in 10,000 B.C. and has been sitting on this stoop ever since.
A rose to Carly, who can’t physically interact with human men, but who can write a damn good 30-second song about ~feelings~ and being ~vulnerable~ and probably how nice it is to finally meet someone who’s not afraid to touch her. Carly and Chris
and the 10,000-year-old banjo player share an intimate moment during her performance, and it’s all really heartwarming if you forget the fact that Chris and Britt basically just had sex on the bar.
No roses to Chris for the most dick-ish move of the season: secretly abandoning the group date to take Britt—who doesn’t give a flying soybean about country music—to a Big & Rich concert. Chris, I know you have “weird chemistry” with Britt that you “don’t understand,” and I know ABC promised Big & Rich some extra publicity, but why not do it after giving Britt the rose? Why leave the rest of the girls sitting alone in a South Dakotan saloon, wondering where you are and whether or not they should probably just start hooking up with each other?
Additionally, am I alone in thinking that Britt loves love more than she loves Chris? This is a woman who gives out free hugs for a living, people. There’s no way gurl’s actually going to be down to move to Iowa and have babies for the rest of eternity, right? Whatever the case, Chris gives Britt a rose onstage.
Another rose to Carly, for all the usual reasons.
A rose to the two-on-one date made in Bachelor heaven: Krazy Kelsey versus Virgin Ashley. Kelsey thinks she’ll have no problem scoring the rose because she’s soooo smart, you guys. She can locate the Badlands on a map! She can name all four presidents depicted on Mount Rushmore! [Side note: What is UP with Mount Rushmore? America is so kooky!] Ashley thinks she’ll get the rose because, put simply, Kelsey’s a freaking murderous lunatic.
A bouquet of roses to Ashley, whose valiant self-sacrifice will go down in the annals of martyrdom for countless centuries—or, at least, Bachelor seasons—to come. Forgoing the most cardinal rule of Bachelor-dom, Ashley uses her coveted alone time with Chris to expose Kelsey’s kray-kray-ness. It’s a move that likely leads Chris to send Ashley home, but it also makes Chris confront Kelsey. He’s concerned that Kelsey might lack social skills, because social skills are “important” in a wife, in addition to fully-functioning ovaries.
Even more roses to Ashley for her climactic moment of defiance—perhaps one of the best lines of the season so far: “Sorry I’m not from Pleasantville,” Ashley says to Kelsey, “I’m from friggin’ 2014.”
A rose to the exact moment Kelsey realized it was all over—probably right abouttttttttttt here:
“My story is amazing,” Kelsey says, for the billionth time. I don’t get it—is she a widow or something? “It’s tragic. And it’s inspiring. And it’s beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed.”
After sending both women home, Chris takes off alone in the helicopter, leaving both of the women to fend for themselves in the frighteningly barren terrain of the Badlands. All I can say is it’s a good thing Kelsey’s been immeasurably blessed with such an intimate geographical understanding of this particular region of South Dakota.