Okay, so this season premiere recap is getting off to a late start; guess we had some trouble… keeping up with the Kardashians :(.
And who wouldn’t? A ton has happened since the ninth season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians wrapped. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have become certified fashion fixtures, Kendall Jenner is an actual super model, and Bruce Jenner is probs to def transgender. (He has not officially come out yet, but all anonymous sources point to yes.)
But the season 10 premiere deals with exactly zero of these real-life Kardashian-Jenner plotlines. Mostly, the kids are coping with the fallout of their parents’ divorce, and Kim is desperate to get pregnant with baby number deux.
In the opening scene, the sisters are hanging out in one of their four zillion palatial walk-in closets. Kourtney is in a bratty mood; Khloé, like any good sister, asks her “what she put up her ass.”
“A tapeworm,” Kourtney responds. “I would give anything to get a tapeworm.”
We notice that Kendall is also sulking in the walk-in closet with her three older sisters; this seems like a new development. Usually, there is a separation between the Kardashian girls and the adorable pipsqueak Jenners. Guess once you become besties with Cara Delevingne and Katie Grand you get to hang out with the big dawgz. (Poor Kylie only has one line the whole ep, but we’ll get to that later.)
Kim is lying in bed post-coitally, and one of the sisters asks her why. Channeling Julianne Moore in The Big Lebowski, she explains that she and Kanye have just boned and lying this way increases the chances of conception. Grossed out, Kourtney and Khloé do the Kardashians’ equivalent of the Dude’s spit take. Also, if they really just did it, where did Kanye go?
Next, we have a throwaway scene that features Kim posing naked for a photo shoot, but not for a magazine, just for funsies. “I’m doing this photo shoot today naked,” she explains. “I just wanna capture my body and have these photos to last forever.” Stars, they’re just like us.
But why is Kim lying flat as @makeupbymario contours the crap out of her face? As it turns out, Kim is ovulating; Kanye the sperm ninja has YET AGAIN stealthily inseminated her and evaporated from the premises.
Mario insists that he knew Kim had been banging because she went to the bathroom (again, no mention of Kanye being spotted by anyone) and “came out with this beautiful glow,” reminding us of this magical Observer column about paid friends.
“Maybe I’m just trying too hard,” Kim sighs.
Next, Kourtney and the fetus now known as Reign Aston (isn’t it great how her kids’ name get progressively more nouveau riche as the series goes on?) visit Bruce’s bachelor lair in Malibu. “God, you pregnant little thing, what am I gonna do with you?” he asks Kourtney while squeezing her, which is cute.
Kourtney and Bruce discuss the difficulties of the divorce and whether their family will remain the Bizarro Brady Bunch it has always been (not their exact words).
“The Jenners are on one side, the Kardashians are on the other side, and in the middle is little old me,” Bruce laments. As Kourtney prepares to leave, he says, “Thanks for not making me feel like an outsider.”
Kris is meeting with a friend; the two of them together look like post-menopausal Bratz dolls (not an insult). “I feel like I live with my parents, Kim and Kanye, who watch over every move I make,” Kris humblebrags. She says she feels guilty about wanting to start her life over after the divorce. The friend is like, “sry, bb.”
Next, we have an amazing scene where Kim interacts with a medical professional. Kim is really letting her personality shine through this season, which is saying a lot because most people probably didn’t even realize she had one. Marriage to Kanye seems to have brought her out of her shell. I don’t care what anyone says, those two are in lurrrrve.
Kim floats a few crackpot theories to her doctor.
“If we have a lot of sex and get right to it right when it gets out [the egg], it’ll be a girl, right?” she asks.
“I think that’s more of a myth,” he says politely while nonchalantly ultrasound-ing her fallopians.
“I had a psychic, and a hairdresser who’s also a psychic, tell me it’s gonna be a boy,” she continues.
“I think it’s probably 50-50,” the doctor says diplomatically.
Next, we finally get a plotline we can sink our veneers into. Kourtney is at Bruce’s again; since when are these two such besties? Bruce says he’s thinking of moving to a new house, Then, he gets a phone call and Kourtney can tell the person on the other end is Kris’s friend. Bruce starts talking in a really awkward high voice—doing that thing dads do when they know they are caught doing something wrong. Kourtney is on to him.
So this is a very odd instance of the Kardashians’ tabloid storylines outpacing their TV storylines. We are led to believe that Bruce may or may not be dating Kris Jenner’s best friend. We never learn her name; it is beeped out every time the Kardashians say it. I’m not quite sure why, legally, they would have to do this. There is video evidence that the woman and Bruce did, indeed, attend an Elton John concert together. The Daily Mail even names her: Ronda Kamihira.
Here are the only two options I can think of to explain why the woman’s name wasn’t said out loud on Kardashians, despite the fact that it is public knowledge for anyone with access to Google:
1. She isn’t really a close friend of Kris Jenner’s, and the friendship was invented to thicken the plot.
2. She has some major dirt on the Kardashian-Jenners and if they used her name, she would have gone to the tabloids with it.
I’m banking on number two. Also strange: the implication is that Bruce might be having a romantic relationship with [BLEEP], alias Ronda. As we all know now, Bruce is not your typical 65-year-old divorcé, in that he is now (and likely was at that point) in the process of transitioning into a woman. This doesn’t mean he can’t be dating another woman, of course. It just adds another layer of mystery and intrigue to this whole weird, bleeped-out situation. And nobody dares to address it.
Anyway, Kim then opens a scene in Kris’s kitchen by rhetorically asking of long-nail-enthusiast Khloé, “How do you wipe yourself?” Kourtney then blurts out what happened when she went to see Bruce:
“When I was there, [BLEEP] called.”
“STOP,” Kim and Khloé say.
The girls agree this is messed up. “It’s hard enough keeping a family together, and this doesn’t help,” Kim says.
After a commercial break, the ladies are in Kris’s kitchen again and Kourtney is talking about something that’s “full crotch,” and vagina-steaming is mentioned. Why must the Kardashians open every single scene with insane talk of tapeworms, vagina-steaming and butt-wiping before they do any plot advancement? Is this some sort of reality TV 101 writing trick to make things appear more natural?
Kris walks in and delivers a neat little plug for her cookbook (Nicole Brown Simpson nachos, anyone?) before Kourtney tells Kris that Bruce wants to hang out with her because he likes her company.
Kim, ever the pot-stirrer, interjects, “Did he say that before or after [BLEEP] called?”
“[BLEEP] called?!” Kris shoots back. Some more stuff happens, and Kris says, “You can’t just throw away 25 years and pretend it didn’t happen.”
Next, we see Brody and Brandon, who have made themselves fixtures of this show whether we like it or not, with Bruce. Brandon and Brody want to plan a kind of reverse bachelor party for Bruce celebrating his divorce. He seems to feel awkward.
“Let’s get the ‘slougars,'” Brody, 12, says, before explaining that a slougar is “a slut and a cougar.”
At Khloé’s house, Kim walks in and says, “I was so happy when you sent me that email about your closet.” Khloé says, “You are not cleaning my closet.” And they beat each other up and chase each other up to yet another walk-in closet. Kim picks up a gross shoe and deadpans something like, “You have some great memories, eurlgh!”
Then, they sit down in what is either Khloé’s room or another part of the walk-in closet; maybe the walk-in closet’s lobby?
“I love that you get to live your life by yourself at this time in your life,” Kim says. “To have everything your taste.”
Kim’s reverie is interrupted by Khloé’s mad Googling; she finds a Daily Mail story about Bruce taking a “mystery brunette” to an Elton John concert. As it turns out, the mystery brunette is [BLEEP]!
Kim and Khloé agree that they have to tell Kris about this “date” before she finds out on her own. Kim calls it a date; she has a point. If attending an Elton John concert together and swaying to “Candle in the Wind” while holding up your illuminated iPhones isn’t a date, I don’t know what is.
The ladies also find out about the boys’ plan to throw a party for Bruce, and decide they have to throw one for Kris. This plotline is very Brady Bunch. Kim comes up with a Hawaiian theme: Kris J Needs a Lei.
Next, Kim enters Kris’s kitchen with a tray of ovulation tests covered in pee. Scott hilariously thinks they are pregnancy tests and that Kourtney is pregnant again; “Kourtney’s the only person who could get pregnant while she’s pregnant,” he says. Kim is konfused because her doctor and her period tracker app and her buffet of pee sticks are all telling her different things about whether or not she is ovulating.
Oh, also, Khloé and French Montana broke up. Zzzzzzz. Good riddance.
“He’s so dumb,” Kourtney says. “I can’t spend time around dumb people like that anymore, so please don’t bring another dummy.” This is rich, coming from someone who thought Kris had invented the word “innards” last season. Then again, Kourtney is the family’s sole college grad; she must know her shit.
The girls go to some restaurant and grapple with the idea of telling Kris about Bruce and [BLEEP]. Kim becomes their de facto representative, and decides to talk to Bruce.
At a generic wine-themed eatery, Bruce says he’d like pasta because his life is simple.
“You are so delusional,” Kim says, telling him she knows about the concert.
“Do you actually think I’m dating anyone?” Bruce pleads. There is some major subtext going on here.
“I don’t care what you’re doing,” Kim says. “But I think since she’s my mom’s friend, you owe my mom a conversation. My mom sits and cries there every night over how her friend could do this to her.”
Bruce says he doesn’t need to explain his relationship to anyone; “Kris isn’t gonna tell me who I can and can’t hang out with.”
Kim reiterates that her mom’s feelings hurt and that Kris “deserves better.”
Next, Kim is lying on a divan in yet another walk-in closet and telling Khloé and Malika about her discussion with Bruce.
“The point isn’t sexual or anything,” Khloé says. “It’s shady.”
Scott and Kourtney are in Vegas for a Scott club appearance, and deranged Cousin Cici is there, as are the Jenners. Kourtney has invited them to dinner as a show of solidarity. Cici refers to [BLEEP] as “the new chickadee,” who apparently might also be in town? It is left unclear.
At dinner, Scott says to Brody and/or Brandon, “Don’t you think your pops should come out tonight and score some tail?”
As is the case throughout the episode when Bruce’s kids make a big deal about him being a single bro on the prowl, Bruce awkwardly interrupts with, “Where’s the tequila?”
Brody, the eternal asshat, brings up the fact that Kim and Kanye didn’t invite his girlfriend to their wedding in Paris.
“Brody, come on,” Scott says.
“No one cared if I was there,” Brody whines.
Bruce points out that Brody did attend the wedding of Reggie Bush, Kim’s ex, shortly after.
“Put Kanye and Reggie in a burning building, guess who I’m taking? Reggie all the way,” Brody says. Well, Brody, if somebody put you and literally any other Kardashian-Jenner in a burning building, even Burt, even Rob, guess who’d be toast.
Speaking of Burt, he makes a rare appearance to ask Kourtney to tell Rob and Khloé he “said goodbye.” Ummm, okay.
Next, back at Kris’s McMansion, the family discusses Brody’s sustained saltiness over his girlfriend not having been invited to the wedding.
“Still? I didn’t even let Khloé bring a date,” Kim says. Kim is right, you don’t have to allow randos to your wedding just because they are going steady with your 9-year-old stepbrother. Kim says in a confessional that she doesn’t understand why all the Jenner boys are trying to take sides.
Next, in the vestibule of someone’s walk-in closet, Kendall informs Khloé that she’s going to Bruce on the Loose, the Jenner boys’ beach party for their dad. Khloé opines, in a confessional, that it wouldn’t be appropriate for any of the Kardashian girls to attend. She right.
Khloé then tells Kendall that her eyes look really nice today.
Kylie looks up from her phone for a millisecond. “They look shit brown,” she says. This is her only line in the episode.
Next, the girls put together the Kris J Needs a Lei party; they all forgot to text Kris’s friends and invite them. (More likely, the shooting schedule didn’t work out.) Kris learns how to do a hula dance, and Khloé pushes Kendall into the pool. WHERE’S ROB?
Later on (or maybe a different day, or maybe earlier? Who knows?), Bruce comes over to talk to Kris about “this stupid dating stuff” and the “stupid tabloids.” He is wearing two different shoes, Kim points out.
“HOLA!!!” Bruce says to Kris, totally overcompensating, once again in a guilty-dad way. “I’m so sick and tired of all these tabloid people saying I’m dating people. I can have friends. No one can tell me who my friends can be.”
“You can have friends, but it’s shady,” Kris says, and rightfully so. Come on, Bruce, there are so many other people you could hang out with, do you really enjoy [BLEEP]’s company that much?
Blah, blah, blah, they keep talking, Bruce says he’s “sorry if he made Kris feel bad.” Ugh.
“You are so stubborn and annoying,” Kim proclaims. “I would die if I was married to you.”
“Die?” Bruce says. “You would die? I would die if I was married to me.”
At another point in time, God knows whether it’s that night or the next day or the next week, the Bruce on the Loose party unleashes its fury on an unsuspecting Malibu beach. It’s kind of awkward because people keep making it all about Bruce moving on and getting ~all kinds of tail~ and he’s just like, “Errrr…”
Then, the Kardashian sisters take Bruce out to lunch to show them they support him even though they didn’t go to his party. In the grand KUWTK tradition, the scene opens with Kim announcing that she got her period. At least this time, though, there’s a point to the toilet talk; this means she is not pregnant. Bummer.
“It’s just good to have all my girls here,” Bruce says. “I just want all of you to know how much I’ve loved having you in my life. I’ve learned a lot from you, hopefully I’ve taught you a lot.”
ALL RIGHT! The end. Next week: Everyone talks about how worried they are about Rob; there might be a private intervention, even; and Kim just wants to carry her own children, dammit!