This episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, entitled “Love Breaks Me” (?!?!), is pretty heavy. Kim’s fertility issues lead her to undergo surgery to remove some placental flotsam and jetsam from her uterus, while the family stages an intervention or something—they never really get into specifics—in their ongoing and vague mission to Help Rob.
We open on Kim and Kourtney talking about stretch marks and Bruce’s unfortunate fashion sense.
“Bruce has no sense of reality,” Kim asserts. “He was wearing jeans that were to here,” she points to her mid-calves, “and he didn’t mean them to be cropped or bell-bottom, but he’s just so geeky, he pulls them up to here. And I swear to god he had Spanx on.”
Some tabloids swore to god the same thing!
“Everyone in this family wears fucking Spanx except for you,” Kim concludes. Kourtney confirms that she does not wear Spanx, ever.
Kim continues to impart her wisdom.
“The key to no stretch marks on your flat stomach after you have a baby” (assuming anyone on the planet has a flat stomach after having a baby?) “is a waist-cincher,” she says. Somehow, she leaves her preferred waist-cinching hashtags on Instagram for this scene. “I told it to everyone. I have people thanking me.”
How could a waist-cincher get rid of someone’s stretch marks, though? Don’t the stretch marks develop while you’re pregnant? Why would cinching your stomach afterward have any affect on your skin? Whatever. Kim prods Kourtney in the belly and tells her she has a stretch mark. She is currently pregnant. Guess we’ll find out.
Next, Khloé is at Kourtney’s house hanging out with Scott and Mason and Penelope. She has a vaguely eastern-looking piece of face jewelry on.
“That’s something on your face,” Scott says. “Is it religious?”
“No, it’s not religious,” Khloé responds.
“Bollywood?” Scott asks.
“Singapore,” Khloé says. Uhhh yeah, Khloé, what the heck kind of face jewelry is that? Is it [film genre] or [city-state]?
Khloé drags the children into Rob’s room to say hi, but he is mysteriously not there. His crusty old quesadilla plate is there, though; Khloé’s housekeeper, Angela, makes him a quesadilla daily, you see. He also has a bunch of condoms, about 100 sticks of deodorant, and various other bro things.
“It’s like a bomb shelter,” is Scott’s assessment.
Khloé is later training with GUNNAR PETERSON(tm), who is a real jokester; he calls her “Harvest Moon” because her pants are see-through. Yuk yuk yuk. Malika crashes her training session and they nicely tee up a new plotline involving the “Dash Dolls,” the women who work at their Dash store. Hey, wait, didn’t E! just announce a new TV show called “Dash Dolls” starring those very same women last week? What a coincidence.
“You have a fiasco going on with your Dash dolls,” Malika says. “It’s become more of a sorority house than a workplace.” ZOMG that should totally be a reality show!
“We could take them on a retreat,” Khloé says, and a spinoff is born. Of course, we have to suffer through the retreat first.
But before that can happen, Kendall, Kim and Jonathan Cheban are eating dinner at a plush and shiny New York City restaurant. Kendall points out Kim’s eye booger. Kim does this…
… while triumphantly crowing, “Moms can do anything!”
Speaking of moms, Kim likes being one and she wants to become even more of one. She is trying to get pregz again, as we all know from previous episodes of this television program. She used to complain about being pregnant, she says. Not anymore. Now she will never rest until she’s fo shizz up the spout, as Juno would say.
Next, she tells a horror story about placenta; hers didn’t come out after North was born. Instead, her wily uterus reabsorbed it and held on like the dickens. Her doctor then had to reach up into the birth canal and scrape the placenta away with his fingernails. Fingernails, dude. Because it had grown into her uterine lining.
“I’m gonna go back and see my fertility specialist and see what’s going on,” Kim says nonchalantly after relaying this sinister tale.
You really have to hand it to the Kardashians: no one else talks about this stuff publicly, much less on a highly-rated TV show. It’s refreshing to hear someone complain about pregnancy and childbirth instead of delivering the usual lines about how magical and amazing it is. For some people, it’s just not!
Elsewhere in the Kardashiverse, Kris is getting her makeup done, probably for her talk show? Or maybe she’s just going to the supermarket.
“Did Nicki Minaj really smash the windows of her boyfriend’s car?” she asks her many minions, before she gets a call from another minion. This minion in particular is asking for a wad of cash for Rob, a grown man who apparently derives his income not even from asking his own family members for money, but by having their assistants do it for him.
“How could somebody need this much cash every week who never leaves the house?” Kris wonders. All of her basic and blonde assistants are standing by and watching, like this:
They do all have great highlights.
This is the first mention (this episode, at least) of Rob’s “problem,” which appears to be either depression or addiction. No one will tell us the actual deets. I guess it doesn’t matter that they won’t tell us; it shouldn’t matter, right? Maybe they are keeping his actual issues on the DL out of some sort of twisted deference to his privacy? That can’t be it; please email email@example.com with any and all conspiracy theories to the contrary.
Meanwhile, at “Jenner Communications,” Kourtney, Khloé and Kim are surrounded by minions of their own. They’re trying to pick clothes for their Kardashian Kids line, AGAIN. Kourtney is talking about how hard it is to sleep while she’s so pregnant.
“I can’t even move anymore. Both my kids are in my bed and I go, ‘everybody, move to the sides,'” she says, and the sycophantic Kardashian Kids corporate employees LAUGH THEIR ASSES OFF like this is the funniest shit ever.
Kim starts talking about getting her uterus cleared out again; she needs to get ahold of Kanye. As it turns out, the doctors have determined that even if they remove the rogue placenta from Kim’s uterus, there is a chance the next baby’s placenta “will go into the hole” and Kim’s uterus will need to be removed right after she gives birth.
“I’m sitting there crying, like, ‘You have to remove my uterus?'” she says. Oh, so this is the scene they showed in all of the “coming up next week” commercials over the past week. No fair; that made it seem like we would be seeing her uterus removal this very week. Refund please.
At Kris’s house, Kris, Kim and Kourtney are planning an intervention for Rob. Khloé is not invited because she is kind of a pushover when it comes to Robbo.
They never use the words “intervention” or “drugs” or anything else that would give us a clue as to what is ailing the sole Kardashian bro. Kris has a mysterious, name-less, face-less friend come in; he will be administering the non-intervention.
“I have a son,” Kris says. This son she has, he was a star of track, basketball and “Dancing With the Stars.” Photos are shown as proof:
Now, Kris says, he has gained over 100 pounds in a year; “he doesn’t wanna participate, he doesn’t go out of the house,” she says. “He missed Christmas. He missed Kim’s wedding.”
“He obviously has some kind of depression,” says the all-business Kim.
The interventionist (is that a thing? In LA, probably) gently suggests that Rob is spoiled as all hell. “If he has everything handed to him, why would he change?” he says. He is a fan of Kim’s tough-love approach. He says he can “bring someone to the house, to help get him stabilized, bring medicine in and make sure he’s comfortable. We can pool some resources within 24 hours.”
So they are going to have the chillest intervention ever, with no family members present. Rob will be expected to willingly take some “medicine” to stabilize himself, as if the idea had not occurred to him before; this sounds like a half-baked plan, guys.
Next, Kim, Khloé and Kourtney get started with day one of the Dash retreat. Nazy and Durrani are there; they had a cameo a couple of weeks ago at Khloé’s Racial Sensitivity Summit. Apparently, Nazy and Durrani and the other dolls have not been very nice to Stephanie, a young Dash doll without a driver’s license who feels left out.
They even do that thing where you’re in the same room as someone else but you just look at each other’s phones and giggle as if the other person (Stephanie, obvs) isn’t there. Total power play. Durrani is a major B and she will definitely be the Kristen Cavallari of the Dash Dolls TV show, which is to say: she will be the one you’re supposed to hate, but who you end up loving because the rest of the cast is so damn boring.
By the way, Durrani is really killing it on the whole make-your-facial-features-look-bigger-with-excessive-liner front. She and Kylie must share makeup tips. She looks like an actual Bratz doll. When will this trend migrate east?
Anyway, there are so many Dash dolls on this retreat. So very many Dash dolls. About 100 seem to be in attendance, and they are going to be doing team-building exercises, such as pushing each other blind-folded in wheel barrows toward donuts, to strengthen their communication skills.
“Welcome to the Dash dolls retreat, guys,” Khloé says. “No talking shit.”
There is a great montage of all of the thoroughly SoCal Dash dolls trying to complete the task at hand. They are falling all over the place in the wheel barrows, hair extensions are flying, sneakers are in the air. The girls are having a hard time; for a moment, it seems like the donuts might be winning.
As the race winds down, one girl seemingly forfeits her team’s place among the winners’ circle due to dietary restrictions.
“Finish the donut,” one Dash doll says.
“Naaaooooo,” the teammate responds. “I don’t wanna eat gloo-din.”
“You look like a hot mess,” a very pregnant Kourtney loudly deadpans from the balcony. The Dash dolls retreat, by the way, is apparently taking place at a latter-day Hearst Castle.
Khloé and the sisters leave the girls under Malika and Khadijah’s jurisdiction overnight.
Back at Kris’s house, Kris is wearing a vest made out of a dead blanket or vice versa:
She is breaking the news to Khloé that Rob’s non-intervention is imminent. Khloé is peeved at first; “you don’t even know his daily routines,” she points out. By the end of the scene, though, she has come around.
Later that night, back at the Dash doll-house, Malika and Khadijah hand out shots to the dolls, whose bathing suit bottoms are shrinking by the minute. They initiate a game of “never have I ever.” Stephanie is apparently wigged out by all of the sex talk; she gets out of the hot tub and literally goes to sit in a corner alone and text.
“When you see someone isolate themselves,” Khadijah says to the older girls, “do you ever feel like, ‘Maybe I should go talk to them’?”
Honestly, good approach! Not good enough for Durrani, though.
“Stephanie, she just sits back, and like, even if I try to have a conversation with her, she just like, I don’t know,” Durrani says defensively.
“To me, even when I watch her in the whole circumstance, even when I watched her tonight, she has a shell and she just crawls in it,” another doll named Melody says.
No, Durrani and Melody! Not good enough!
“When we see her go into her cave, let’s try to pull her out and see what her strong suits are,” Malika says. Great team-building. The ladies all go inside (but not until after Melody jiggles her butt at them).
Inside, gloodin-free pizza is had by all. Melody talks to Stephanie, to be nice. Malika and Khadijah’s work here is done; they leave before announcing that the girls should “bond! talk to someone you wouldn’t normally talk to! make a friend!” SUBTLE, GUYS.
Next, we are invited to watch Kris have a pseudo-therapy session with Leigh Weinraub, Founder of Mind in Motion. Kris is in a really emotional place today, she explains; she cries all the time.
Leigh Weinraub, Founder of Mind in Motion, points out that sometimes running from pain causes even more pain.
“If you keep running in the same direction at the same speed,” Leigh Weinraub, Founder of Mind in Motion, says, “you will continue to crash.” Good talk, good talk. Very productive scene.
Back at the Dash dolls’ dystopian slumber party the next morning, Bruce appears with a megaphone. He has been called in to whip the girls into shape.
As they take part in another insane team-building exercise, Khloé gets a call from Rob, who is in the middle of his non-intervention.
“Can you please take this medicine? It will make you feel so much better,” she says. What is this medicine?! “It’s 21 to 30 days of your life. You’ve had two years… It’s not normal that you’re refusing.”
There is no reasoning with Rob. Khloé implies that he is putting her through the same thing that Lamar did; it’s sad, poor Khloé.
Khloé goes back into Hearst Castle and talks to Kim and Kourtney.
“He’s locking himself in his room,” she explains. “He says he doesn’t need this help and he’ll just leave. He said he was just ambushed.”
Kim, again, is sick of his shit. “We need to say, ‘You’re kicked out of the house, you’re cut off, your bank accounts and credit cards are closed, you don’t have a dime.'”
Is it wrong to have a hard time feeling sorry for a 28-year-old man whose mother and sisters control all of his money?
Khloé says she is “going to tell mom to tell Elizabeth to cut off all his money,” although Rob will continue to live in Khloé’s house, eat Khloé’s food, use Khloé’s electricity and drive Khloé’s car.
“Either way, his money should be taken out,” she reasons.
Next, we have a charming scene where Kim continues to complain that “everyone licks Rob’s ass.”
“We all make his life so easy,” she says. “Okay we’ll drive you around with a chauffeur so no one has to look at you. We have a chef on standby, a trainer. We’ll send people to buy you socks and underwear. This is pathetic. We’re not gonna cater to him anymore.”
She’s totally right. But you try reasoning with a mom whose only son is in a sad and bad place! Kris doesn’t want to hear it.
“Maybe he can’t help himself,” she says meekly.
“No,” Kim says. “He’s still competent to where he can ask for help when he needs it.”
Later, Kim is lying in bed feeling like butt because she has surgery tomorrow. Scott and Khloé are trying to turn her frown upside down by discussing her now-infamous Paper magazine shoot.
Kim is hoping the surgery will make it easier to get pregnant, but she is “so annoyed” that her kids will be slightly far apart in age if she gets pregnant again.
“I’m three and a half years younger than you and five years younger than Kourtney,” Khloé ventures.
“I know,” Kim says. “But I didn’t even talk to you until like a couple years ago.”
“It’s true,” Khloé says. Scott looks horrified. “I did not know them,” she continues, “literally.”
Scott offers his next kid, which is a few weeks from being born, to Kim, like the good sport that he is.
Later, Khloé answers the phone while Rob is calling. She has finally gotten on the Tough Love Train.
“Yes, Robert, what now? More money? A car? A check? My soul?” she says something along those lines. Rob starts whining that he “can’t use Angela in the morning.” Angela, you’ll remember is the human being and housekeeper who is forced to make Rob quesadillas every morning.
“No, Rob, sorry, they have, um, a prior commitment,” Khloé says. Rob starts cursing and says Khloé is “making it difficult for everybody.”
“You’re frustrating him!” Kris cries in the background.
“I’m making something where he has to plan, Mom,” Khloé says. “I’m so sorry that I’m frustrating your 50-year-old son.”
Khloé says of her mom, “This little one literally flicks his little dick,” then calls her mom an enabler. She wraps up her rant with, “I don’t even know why I’m in this family.”
“Because I gave birth to you,” Kris exclaims.
“That’s still to be proven,” Khloé hilariously shoots back, and Kim is clearly holding back laughter:
Now Kris and Kim are going to the doctor so that Kim can have her surgery. Rob calls his mom to whine about his fight with Khloé, a.k.a. his landlady, benefactress and the only person who has been willing to put up with his shit. Kris is, rightfully, annoyed; she’s trying to be there for Kim and Rob is whining about quesadillas or money or some garbage.
Then she does that funny thing parents do when you tell them to chill: “I’m not crazy! I’m CHILLING! I was fine!” Cute. She advises Rob to drag butt over to her house so he can lay in Kendall’s bed since she’s out of town, and eat some leftover turkey chili. NICE TOUGH LOVE THERE, KRIS.
In the operation room, Dr. Huang explains what he’s going to do to Kim’s uterus; she tells him she really doesn’t want to get a surrogate, kind of implying, like, “don’t mess up in there, buddy.”
“It would be so annoying if I couldn’t carry my own baby,” she concludes.
Then the episode ends out of nowhere—to be continued, y’all. Here’s what we have to look forward to next week: Kylie isn’t coming, she’s on strike, Kris has been having such a tough time connecting with Kylie, Kylie legit doesn’t care, and Malika is mad at Khloé. Dramz!