Death, Destruction, and Other Things We Predict From FOX’s ‘Bullseye’

BULLSEYE: BULLSEYE’s fierce “weekend warriors” will participate in three levels of extraordinary challenges, all of which involve using their bodies like human darts to hit targets – on land, sea and air. BULLSEYE premieres Wednesday, May 27 (9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. © 2015 FOX Broadcasting. CR: Michael Weaver / FOX.

What’s even happening here? (Photo : Michael Weaver/FOX)

If you can’t beat them, wrap them in velcro and shoot them out of a cannon. Or so goes the concept for Fox’s newest reality series, Bullseye, premiering tonight at 9 p.m. Essentially, contestants participate in a number of physical challenges, aiming to land on a target, hit a target, or avoid dying horribly in an inferno for, I think, a cash prize? Maybe?

Bullseye is hosted by the illustrious Kellan Lutz, who excitedly noted in a trailer for the show, “When I heard that they were gonna do a bigger, stronger, more crazy stunt show, that’s right up my alley,” which loosely translates to, “I haven’t worked in a very, very long time. Will you help me Fox? Please? I’ll dance for you! I kind of look like Channing Tatum, that’s got to count for something, right?” Co-hosting with Lutz is comedian Godfrey, who is a person that apparently exists.

Now, before this gets too cynical, can we just stop here, for a second? It must be noted that Bullseye hails from the same producers as Wipeout, which is indisputably the best reality show ever created. I love Wipeout. I don’t know how to say this any more clearly, so I’ll just show you this.

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And thus, anything created by the same minds will undoubtedly be equally (if not more so) brilliant. I’m not making fun of Bullseye (full disclosure: I am making fun of Bullseye). Regardless, I am intrigued by “a show where the competitors literally transform themselves into human darts,” as described by Lutz. In fact, I think there may be more that meets the eye to this new reality show.

So, without further ado, here are my hopes, dreams and speculations for Bullseye:

  • Bullseye is really a carefully constructed government propaganda program, symbolically representing America’s powerful upwards trajectory. Viewers will associate each contestant propelled through prop fire and projected into the air with America and its forceful resilience. Plus, a bullseye has the colors red, white and blue. Coincidence? I think not.
  • The show is particularly proud of their equal inclusion of men and women, with both genders participating in the same physical tasks. If that won’t rally the new wave of feminism, I don’t know what will. It’s like Kellan Lutz is basically a modern day Susan B. Anthony, just with fewer bonnets and more abs.
  • When ratings are down, they will eventually combine this show with Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Really smart fifth graders get hurdled through the air while answering questions about tectonic plates. Older contestants will be befuddled by elementary geology as their brittle, elderly bones splinter.
  • Bullseye won’t stop at physical challenges. Soon, contestant’s mothers will be integrated for emotional challenges, voices projected while contestants themselves participate in the tasks, asking is this what they’re doing with their life and really shouldn’t they give college another try and this could be the very reason they’re single.
  • Someone dies. That’s not even a speculation. Someone will die on this show.
Death, Destruction, and Other Things We Predict From FOX’s ‘Bullseye’