‘Game of Thrones’ 5×6 Recap: ‘Reduce, Reuse, Rebroken’

Dorne is so badass. (HBO)

Dorne is so badass. (HBO)

Drew: Soooo…how about that Ramsay, huh? I would say that the consummation of marriage with Sansa was the worst example of sexual assault we’ve seen on the show, but I’m afraid I’ll get slapped by one of the Faceless Men for lying. Or telling the truth…I’m still not sure how exactly that slapping game works.

Vinnie: I thought it was pretty funny (probably not how you were expecting me to start that sentence but bear with me) that when it became clear that Sansa was going off-George RR and being plugged into the Winterfell storyline, people were falling over to convince themselves Sansa wasn’t going to have too rough a time because “Sansa’s been through enough.”

People, come on. Please. This is season 5. This show almost seems like a big excuse to heap as must torture on to a single character as possible, and that character is Sansa. As soon as I saw she was headed to Winterfell I, as a BOOK READER, didn’t expect her to get off easy. I was thinking it would somehow be worse than the book scenes, as in maybe seeing it AND hearing it would be awful and maybe we’d hear Ramsay like taking off his belt and oh god that’s what they did oh god this is uncomfortable oh god.  

You know what else this highlighted? How shitty that old Winterfell lady’s plan is. I’m sure during the entire consummation Sansa was thinking “if I could have only had the chance to climb Winterfell’s highest tower and light a candle real quick all this could’ve been avoided.” The North Remembers, and The North has shitty contingency plans.

Drew: Is it terrible that I almost felt worse for Theon in that scene? As SOMEONE WHO READ THE BOOKS, I knew that his witnessing of Ramsay’s more Patrick Bateman-esque picadillos would be hard to watch, but Theon’s face crumpling like that was so devastating, even though it’s not like Sansa and he were very close back at Winterfell 1.0. I mean, here was a man (eunuch?) who has been through such hell it’s hard to imagine how anything the Bolton’s did to him at this point could possibly be any worse than what he’s already gone through. And yet, somehow….

Also, whoa, I like how even when confronted alone with Sansa about killing Bran and Rickon, Theon doesn’t even try to argue, even though he knows he didn’t actually find and murder them. (He killed two neighboring farm boys instead and hung up their desecrated corpses so people would THINK he killed the Lord and youngest heir of Winterfell. AWWWW, what a sweetheart.

Vinnie: Theon is a weird character because after all the horrible stuff Ramsay has done to him you almost forget he only kind of deserves it. His assbackwards sacking of Wintefell was pretty gruesome, back when beheadings took forever and Rickon was a character. But when it comes down to it that whole thing was kind of a misunderstanding based on Theon being a really, really stubborn millennial that didn’t understand you don’t go from unpaid intern to CEO. And that one really unforgivable thing everyone hates him for — the murder of Bran and Rickon — isn’t even true.

Yeah, Theon is a dick, but that’s really it.  In a show filled with way worse dicks that deserve to lose their dicks much more than Theon, it’s poor Theon who is the dick who actually loses his dick.

Drew: What do you think of Sansa getting wise to Myranda’s underminey ways? I swear to god, Ramsay’s ex is like Regina George from Mean Girls, which as a reference is very topical and A+. Although hey, once bitten by rabid kennel dogs, twice shy, am I right? Though her advice about the danger of boring Ramsay’s was PRETTY fleek, and served a purpose later in the plot.

Vinnie: Again, I feel like Sansa suddenly being all “I AM THE WINTERFELL QUEEN YOU CAN’T SCARE ME” (she said something like that) was another way to divert attention away from the horror to come for her. “Oh, this is strong, assertive Sansa. No evil man will take advantage of her.”

Meanwhile Martin and the show’s creators are snickering and high-fiving like “lol yeah remember when we forced you to fall for that charming snake-man last season then we smashed his fucking head?”

In a way, I feel like all these book diversions have been aces for ramping up the suspense this season. Take, for example, that fight scene between Jaime, Bronn, and the Teenage Mutant Sand Snakes. It went from a pretty standard fight scene…well as standard as any fight scene featuring a whip…actually wait can we stop and talk about the Sand Snake with the whip? I get that each one mastered one weapon but, a whip? You had so many great options and you went with a whip. I saw one MAYBE two things she did with that whip during the fight that legitimately helped anybody.

But I digress. That fight scene was amplified by the fact that I genuinely thought any one of those could die. By this I mean I whispered “pleasedon’tkillBronn” as one continuous word for several straight minutes. But I honestly felt at any minute Bronn, one of the Sand Snakes, Ellaria, or Areo Hotah (the man with the fancy axe) could bite it. Hell, I even thought Jaime was a possibility.

And honestly, that wouldn’t have even been that much of a shocker. No once-important character has been relegated to the JV squad harder than Jaime. He went from all-feared plot-driver to occasional comic relief whose genius plan to secret his daughter away from a strange land is  to put on a head scarf, wave his arms over his head and whisper “PSSST Myrcella! Over here!”

Drew: I also love how it’s taken this many seasons to find out Tyrion’s cock is a legit lady-splitter. (ew, gross, I’m sorry.) And I’d totally belief it…if we hadn’t seen in the first couple episodes of the show that he went down on a lot of women to compensate for his little Tyrion. Maybe Bronn got him a black market penis pump or something. Sorry…this all feels in very poor taste. Moving on: was the slaver that captured Tyrion and Jorah the same pirate who has that relationship with the Ser Davos?

Vinnie: Ser Lady-Splitter is the best background character George. R.R hasn’t written yet.

And I don’t think it was? Honestly I spent a large portion of that scene figuring out whether or not he was Mr. Eko from Lost.

Drew: Oh man, That guy is trouble. Call me crazy, but I like the idea of setting up this Gladiator plot device where Jorah’s doomed to only see Khaleesi viewing him from on high while he battles for his life in the fighting pits. Can you see that look on his face when he’s told she reopened them? Like, “I got a case of the Greyscale for THIS bullshit?”

Vinnie: I actually think it would be great if Jorah just keeps getting into progressively more horrible situations that he agrees to be a part of because they all involve a 3% chance he’s in the same room as Daenerys. “You’re saying if I wrestle ALL these tigers she might be at the cocktail reception afterward? Hmm.

Drew: That is both very sad and very indicative of Ser Friendzone’s mindset. What do we think about Littlefinger’s meeting with Cersei? Do you really think he plans on selling out Sansa because he’s still SOOOOO mad at the Starks? Or is he planning to use Sansa as bait somehow to bring down Cersei? Also, no offense to Littlefinger’s Frank Underwood-ing of everyone, but I feel like he’s one growl vowel away from a gruesome death involving beheading, flaying or–worst option–wedding. How does anyone still fall for his shit?

Follow up question:is Cersei going to get the DTs now that the Sparrows have destroyed all the city’s wine?

Vinnie: THANK YOU. I’m glad someone else is finally asking why anyone, anyone at all still falls for the schemes of the guy who is literally only known for two things, owning a brothel and dastardly scheming, and not always in that order. That’s one of my little qualms about Game of Thrones. If a character is labelled a “schemer,” — characters like Varys or Littlefinger or Illyrio — all their schemes work out too well, no matter how complicated. I fully expect Ramsay to die this season after that old lady goes to inspect a candle burning in Winterfell’s highest tower, falls out the window and lands on Ramsay’s head — then for Littlefinger to emerge from the shadows like “just how I planned it.”

No, Littlefinger there’s no way you planned all this. You can’t even decide on a goddamn accent.

Drew: I still maintain that Batman-whisper is still the most believable Aidan Gillen accent of all time. I mean, that dude was not from Baltimore OR the CIA!

But yeah, love how short-sighted Cersei is. Sure, she got Team Tyrell in jail, but Tommen is still king, and she’s still the queen regent who is widely considered an incestuous lush. I know Colonel Duarte (awesome Evita reference!) is acting all chummy with Cersei now, but these new zealots are totally unpredictable. And I’m STILL confused about how they got that albino brothel manager to turn against Ser Loras, but it made for a nice callback to last season, when Shaye betrayed Tyrion on the stand.

Vinnie: I just wish we got Loras’ version of Tyrion’s epic trial speech. “I wish I had enough buggery for the whole pack of you.”

Drew: Okay, fine let’s talk about Arya. What’s going on with her now? They’re taking her off janitorial duty and letting her enter the next level of compassionate care.

Vinnie: I love all this Arya stuff, I genuinely do, but still kind of a bummer to learn that the Faceless Men don’t do their face-swapping because they’re super magical Bravoosi wizards, they just have a massive Face Vault they send Jake from Supplies down to whenever it’s time to do a new job.

I mean there’s obviously more training involved, most of it based on stick-whacking, as all training should be, but so far all Arya has done is fail the Bravoosi lie detector test a bunch of times and convince a dying half-coherent girl that a pool full of poison is actually water. Now she’s ready to put someone else’s face on? Is she? Can she act at all? Does she know any other accents besides the Common Tongue? Probably not as many accents as Littlefinger’s gone through.

Whoa do you think Littlefinger’s just a really shitty Faceless Man who can’t get his fake accent in order?

Drew: Vinnie, come on, you’ve got all these crazy theories, but, I just got to ask:

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‘Game of Thrones’ 5×6 Recap: ‘Reduce, Reuse, Rebroken’