It seems like just yesterday that Farmer Chris was getting down on one knee and proposing to Whitney in the barn where he raised his first pig, and yet already, the premiere of The Bachelorette is upon us. This Monday, rejected farmwives Kaitlyn and Britt will go head-to-head for the honor of getting to hunt for true love on national reality television.
But before we lay our eyes on what’s sure to be the most cringe-worthy gimmick in Bachelor franchise history, let’s do a little preparation, shall we? Who are the men who will oh-so-cruelly send one of the women home Monday night, and then proceed to compete for the remaining woman’s heart? Who’s most likely to show up on the first night in full costume, or have a kid back home, or not be there for the right reasons? Let’s find out.
Highlights from bio: Ben would like to have lunch with Nelson Mandela, because “he was punished and enslaved but showed grace and mercy in the end. He is a legend and his grace is something I would like to model.”
Most likely to: be way too fucking serious about EVERYTHING.
Highlights from bio: If Ben could have lunch with any person, it’d be his mom, because he would “take any extra second I could get with her.”
Most likely to: present the Bachelorette with a creepy-as-fuck gift on the first night—like a vial of his mother’s blood.
Highlights from bio: Bradley’s fave movie is the Wolf of Wall Street, and he’d like to trade places with Tom Brady so he could “Get a taste of what a primetime football game would be like—then go home to Gisele.” Cool cool brah.
Most likely to: only be looking for bromances.
Highlights from bio: Chris Martin—yes, as in the Coldplay dude—is one of the people he admires most in the world.
Most likely to: uncomfortably serenade the Bachelorette on the first night.
Highlights from bio: Chris’s biggest date fear is that “the girl tries to eat my food.” Sounds like a winner, ladies!
Most likely to: hog the Bachelorette’s time despite her fervent, desperate glances back towards the rest of the group.
Highlights from bio: Clint admires his dad more than anyone else in the world.
Most likely to: love Jesus. A lot.
Highlights from bio: Corey refers to the Dalai Lama as an “enlightened cat.” My butt is clenching and it will never not un-clench.
Most likely to: arrive on the first night in an embarrassing costume—like a suit of armor or one of those inflatable sumo wrestler suits—for no comprehensible reason.
Highlights from bio: Cory’s biggest date fear is “finding out my date’s really a dude.”
Most likely to: be a huge asshole. Get out, Cory. No roses for you.
Highlights from bio: Daniel would like to trade places with the Prince of Monaco “because he has a baller life.”
Most likely to: become BFFs with the Bachelorette and tattle-tale on the other guys—but ultimately get sent home.
Highlights from bio: David would like to have lunch with Brad Pitt “so he can tell me some of his crazy stories.” How is Brad Pitt, owner of approximately 479 children, the poster child for crazy celebrity antics?
Most likely to: quit the show after 0.6 seconds on set, when he learns what “crazy” actually means.
Highlights from bio: Ian would like to have lunch with Jimmy Kimmel, which makes me SERIOUSLY question whether he and I can be friends.
Most likely to: win the First Impression Rose because who cares if he likes Jimmy Kimmel—Ian is hot. as. FUCK!
Highlights from bio: Jared has volunteered for the past six years at a camp for kids with cancer. AWWW, JARED!
Most likely to: get really emotional during every season’s inevitable “travel to a foreign country and play with impoverished children” date.
Highlights from bio: JJ lists his job as “former investment banker.” Is that a nice way of saying “currently unemployed”?
Most likely to: only be here for the free food.
Highlights from bio: Well, I’m crying from Joe’s answer to who he’d like to have lunch with, if he could have lunch with anyone in the world. “It would be with my grandmother who just passed away this last December,” he said. “Just because I miss her.” BEEP BEEP REALITY TV IS MAKING ME FEEL REAL FEELINGS DOES NOT COMPUTE BEEEEEEEP.
Most likely to: use more hair product than Kaitlyn and Britt combined.
Highlights from bio: Jonathan always tries to attend to a woman’s needs, “not just in the bedroom.” How thoughtful of you, Jonathan.
Most likely to: be that guy who body-checks everyone out of the way in his valiant quest to present the Bachelorette with a glass of champagne upon her entrance to any and all rooms of the mansion.
Highlights from bio: “Law student/exotic dancer.”
Most likely to: perform lap dances at the first cocktail party. You know it.
Highlights from bio: To Joshua, marriage means “Finding that one person that God had tailor-made just for me.”
Most likely to: have built his personal brand inspired entirely by former Bachelor Sean Lowe.
Highlights from bio: If Justin could be anyone else in the world for a day, he would be “someone from a less privileged area or country. It would be an eye-opening/humbling experience.”
Most likely to: be totally full of BS.
Highlights from bio: When asked what marriage means to him, Kupah responded, “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER.” Was Kupah sliding in and out of consciousness as he delivered this answer? IS KUPAH OKAY?
Most likely to: drink way too much on the first night and be passed out come the Rose Ceremony. There’s literally always someone.
Highlights from bio: The most outrageous thing Ryan has done is “rode my bike from Florida to California for a dog rescue.”
Most likely to: use the words “child” and “dog” interchangeably.
Highlights from bio: Ryan admires his father and brother most in the world, because “they are the definition of what being a good man should be.”
Most likely to: have a kid back home, and remind us of having a kid back home every chance he gets to remind us that he has a kid back home.
Highlights from bio: If Shawn could be any superhero, he’d be The Hulk.
Most likely to: initiate a testosterone-fueled push-up contest at the first cocktail party.
Highlights from bio: “Amateur sex coach.”
Most likely to: AMATEUR SEX COACH.AMATEUR SEX COACH. A-M-A-T-E-U-R. S-E-X. C-O-A-C-H.
Highlights from bio: Tanner’s greatest date fear is “my date not liking me as much as I like her.”
Most likely to: not actually know how The Bachelorette works.
Highlights from bio: Tony is a “healer” and lists Into the Wild as one of his favorites movies. Has anyone else here actually seen Into the Wild? It’s like four straight hours of close-ups of Alaskan foliage.
Most likely to: not believe in drama, dude.