‘The Bachelorette’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Episode 3

"we have decided boxing is a super fun and non-dangerous date idea!" (Photo: ABC)

“we have decided boxing is a super fun and non-dangerous date idea!” (Photo: ABC)

The Bachelorette is so good, it’s frustrating that we have to cap it off at a measly two hours per week. That’s why each Tuesday, we’ll be having a Bachelorette Morning-After Rose Ceremony to celebrate the people, places and moments that really made the previous night’s episode shine.

rose iconThe most pity-filled pity rose to Britt, who—after failing to secure the Bachelorette crown—changes out of her gown and into her 748 plastic beaded bracelets, and cries via iPhone to her mom about Bachelor in Paradise now being her only chance to find love the shock of not being chosen.

Britt wants love so badly. Britt would probably jump into the amateur sex coach’s dirty ass “car pool” right now, if given the chance. Of course she lets Brady into her hotel room.

"mommy i'm coming home" (Photo: ABC)

“mommy i’m coming home” (Photo: ABC)

"should we start having babies now or later lololol!!!!" (Photo: ABC)

“should we start having babies now or later lololol!!!!” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Laila Ali, undefeated professional boxer and daughter of boxing legend Muhammad Ali, who on last night’s first group date was forced to explain why “boxing is a lot like relationships.”

"Is it, Laila? Is it?" (Photo: Wikipedia)

“Is it, Laila? Is it?” (Photo: Wikipedia)

rose iconNo roses to the Bachelorette producers who still evidently think boxing dates are a good idea, despite Ames Brown losing 96 percent of his cognitive function four seasons ago in his quest to win Ashley Hebert’s heart.

"is my brain better yet" (Photo: YouTube/ABC)

“is my brain better yet” (Photo: YouTube/ABC)

In the final round of boxing, Ben Z. punches Scary Jared so hard in his small scary head, Jared is forced to hit up the hospital. “That was my biggest fear going into this,” Kaitlyn says, “that someone would get hurt.” Life hack: Do not plan a date where people punch each other’s heads.

omg i am v surprised someone got hurt on this date!!! (Photo: ABC)

omg i am v surprised someone got hurt on this date!!! (Photo: ABC)

rose iconAnd yet, a rose to the aspect of this date that’s truly the scariest: that Scary Jared, though pasty and largely muscly-less, proved adept enough at fighting to advance to the final round. As though he’s been practicing. As though hand-to-hand combat were a skill he thought he might need to film a reality TV dating show. As though Scary Jared believes the superhero he invented is real.

"look at me kaitlyn. LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" (Photo: ABC)

“look at me kaitlyn. LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!” (Photo: ABC)

"i declined medical treatment 4 u" (Photo: ABC)

“i declined medical treatment 4 u” (Photo: ABC)

"did u by any chance hurt small animals as a child" (Photo: ABC)

“did u by any chance hurt small animals as a child” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconNo roses to Kaitlyn, who did not send Justin home on the spot. It is a fact universally acknowledged that he who names his son “Aurelius” gives not a flying fuck about other people’s happiness.

 

rose iconA rose to the most gut-wrenching sob story ever to sob its way into the annals of sob story-dom: the tragic tale of Ben Z.’s mom. Ben Z.’s mom broke her back… and in getting x-rays, found out she had cancer… and ultimately died… when Ben Z. was 14. Good god. And even more heartbreaking, Ben Z. still smiles and laughs and does kewl things like coming on The Bachelorette. Love u Ben Z. And so does Kaitlyn—she gives Ben Z. the group date rose.

"i'm soooo making it to hometownz, right??" (Photo: ABC)

“i’m soooo making it to hometownz, right??” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to my back-up career plan should writing not pan out: “conceptual underwater photographer.” I am exceedingly confident this will work out, as I excel at photographs, water, and also concepts.

 

rose iconA rose to this super astute observation I made last night re: Clint’s physical appearance:

 

am i right or am i right though (Photo: Twitter)

am i right or am i right though (Photo: Twitter)

rose iconA rose to Clint and Kaitlyn’s sexy pool make-out sesh, which—DEAR GOD, WHAT IS THAT BOIL/BUBONIC PLAGUE/INSECT’S EGG SAC ON CLINT’S NECK?! Has he been covering it up with make-up all this time, only to have it washed away in the conceptual underwater photoshoot? I can’t look away. It’s all I see.

What a nice kiss! (Photo: ABC)

What a nice kiss! (Photo: ABC)

Oh wait what is that? (Photo: ABC)

Oh wait what is that? (Photo: ABC)

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! (Photo: ABC)

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! (Photo: ABC)

Later they go for dinner BOIL and kiss some more BOIL and Clint BOIL gets a BOIL rose.

rose iconA rose to J.J., this season’s self-proclaimed new villain.

On the comedy-themed group date, J.J. acts like he’s above the other participants—including Her Royal Highness Amy Schumer. “I think I’m too smart for 90 percent of the audience,” says J.J., a person who signed up to find love on reality television.

rose iconA rose to Amy Schumer for condensing all of America’s J.J.-fueled rage into a single glance at the camera.

 

"help me" (Photo: ABC)

“help me” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Tony, who perhaps isn’t so much a mystery as he is this season’s Onion Girl equivalent—in other words, he exists outside the space-time continuum and might not know where he is right now. Or ever. On the stand-up date, Tony begins his set with a solemn speech about how “everything is a learning lesson.” And at the cocktail party, he vows he will “open myself up fully to Kaitlyn but still pay attention to the signs the universe presents.” Cool cool makes sense!

Just F.Y.I., Tony also makes facial expressions like this:

the stuff of nightmares. (Photo: ABC)

the stuff of nightmares. (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA thousand roses to Kaitlyn’s totally bizarre reaction faces every time a dude shares his tragic backstory.

 

"i got hit by a car and literally broke every bone eva" (Photo: ABC)

“i got hit by a car and literally broke every bone eva” (Photo: ABC)

"i feel emotions" (Photo: ABC)

“i feel emotions” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Kupah for the most spectacular crash-and-burn so far this season—yes, arguably even more spectacular than Ryan’s drunken first night antics. It’s hard to figure out where, in Kupah’s dazzling spew of word vomit, the exact tipping point occurs. Is it when he accuses Kaitlyn of not talking to him on the group date, when he spent the entirety of the time in the corner of the room furiously hitting the punching bag, actually caring about boxing? Is it when he suggests Kaitlyn is only keeping him around because of his race? Or is it when he tells Kaitlyn, “You’re a pretty girl. You’re witty. Sarcastic. That’s dope.”? I’m not exactly sure, but here’s how Kaitlyn’s feeling:

"please leave my eyeball range" (Photo: ABC)

“please leave” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Phase Two of Kupah’s brief, yet great, decline: resisting being sent home.

“I don’t want to go home,” he tells Kaitlyn, “I think you’re hot. I think you’re sexy. I think you’re pretty.” “There’s more to me than that,” Kaitlyn says.

rose iconAnd then a thousand more roses to Kupah’s follow-up attempt at proving he and Kailtyn have a great relationship: “You like movies and movie quotes. Yes or no?”

 

"help me" (Photo: ABC)

“pls go” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconAnd finally, a rose to Phase Three of Kupah’s all-out self destruction. Tbh I don’t even know what’s happening here.

 

"ASK ME THE QUESTIONS BRO ASK ME THE QUESTIONS" (Photo: ABC)

“ASK ME THE QUESTIONS BRO ASK ME THE QUESTIONS” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Shawn B.—the fitness trainer who was literally the NUMBER ONE FRONTRUNNER last week—who this episode received zero screen time and presumably spent the week playing Uno with Chris Harrison or something.

thinking of u babe (Photo: ABC)

thinking of u babe (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Britt, who wants you to know she is, like, totes okay with not being the Bachelorette, okay? It’s, like, #NBD!!!

She and Desi from Girls Brady have spent every day together doing fun activities like ice cream and walking places while touching each other’s arms, and now they’re officially dating.

“The reason I wanted to do The Bachelorette was to meet someone, and I think we are beginning a very beautiful relationship,” Britt says, twitching.

BRITT + BRADY 4EVAAAAA (Photo: ABC)

BRITT + BRADY 4EVAAAAA (Photo: ABC)

‘The Bachelorette’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Episode 3