‘The Royals’ Recap 1×8: Sister (and Brother) From Another Mister

Paying tribute. (E!)

Paying tribute. (E!)

First things first, let’s all give a warm welcome to the newest member of the REAL royal family, the, at the moment unamed, Princess of Cambridge! My vote is that they name her Hermione Granger but Buckingham Palace has yet to return my call.

In fictional royal news: our King Simon lives!! Not consciously, but he lives! After hours of surgery, he is still at the hospital, but it appears that he won’t be croaking any time soon.

But let’s rewind: After finding out about the stabbing, the royal family is rushed down through the tunnels to a secret room to wait until the palace is safe and secure. Much to the dismay of Cyrus and the Queen, Marcus brings Ophelia to the bunker as well since she and Liam are official. Tensions run extremely high as they all take turns accusing one another of foul play. The kids, including Ophelia, team up and immediately turn against Cyrus. He was already in the bunker by the time the rest of the family was brought down and looking extremely shifty. He claims that he was already in the tunnels (but why?!) and his pale, sweaty complexion was due to him sobering up. He then turns and accuses the children of being responsible for the stabbing. Ophelia says she saw Cyrus sneaking around and he does not take kindly to the accusation. He insults her and Papa Ophelia pulls his gun out. Helena breaks the tension by saying “Chekhov’s gun. If the gun isn’t going to be fired, it shouldn’t be hanging there. Remove everything that has no relevance to the story”. Are theRoyals writers giving us a hint?! Should we have been paying more attention to literally everything!?

Eventually, the family is released but not before Helena takes Liam aside to explain that he is Prince Regent now aka basically acting king. He admits that he doesn’t really know what to do next and she says that she will be there to help him. Maybe it’s just because it’s Sunday night, but Helena is serving real Queen Cersei vibes. She’s been nothing but cold and distant to her children until this moment. And we realize that the only reason she’s being a somewhat decent human now is because Liam has the power that she so desperately craves. Helena and Liam are more Cersei/Tommen rather than Cersei/Joffrey. Mainly because I don’t believe that Liam is the spawn of satan.

The Queen meets with Lucius to go over what happens next. He says that due to Simon’s referendum announcement, he basically brought the stabbing onto himself. Very sensitive, Lucius! He then leaves and lets Helena know that he is “at her majesty’s service unequivocally”. Oh good! An asshole AND a yes man!

Len spends this entire episode in a state of vulnerability and despair. In the bunker, she was, clearly, the most distraught and constantly begging for updates on King Simon. When they’re let out, she goes to her room and Jasper follows. He disobeys direct orders from Papa Ophelia and takes Len to the hospital to see her father. When she gets there, she breaks down at his bedside and just whimpers “I’ll do better. I’ll do better.”

I try to avoid blatant favortism in these recaps but I think it’s become clear that Len is my favorite. Of all the characters, she has really gone through the most developement and shown a real willingness to change. All she wants is to be loved and accepted by her family. My heart breaks for her.

In terrible person world, Cyrus meets with parliament member, Josh Holloway in the bunker. He begs and blackmails Holloway to be his alibi for the night that Simon was stabbed. Holloway resists but Cyrus says he will turn his world into a shitstorm if he doesn’t do this. He denies any involvement in the stabbing to Holloway but will not admit where he was at the time.

Theory: I can’t say with certainty that I think Cyrus did it. I think he may have been behind the plan but I feel like he would not be the one to actually get blood on his hands. More on this later.

The Queen and her horribly inappropriate cleavage addresses the nation and spills the beans on the stabbing. She calls it an act of terrorism and begs the country to come together in this time of trouble. God save the King.

Liam and Helena join Eleanor at the hospital, but, instead of grieving together, like a mentally healthy family, Helena asks for a moment alone with Simon and Liam. Len watches Helena put her arm around Liam from the hallway and once again, I am basically watching Cersei Lannister.

Back at the palace, Jasper sneaks into Len’s room and attempts to comfort her. But there is no comfort to be had! Instead, Len pushes her panic button and tells Jasper she knows about he and the Queen. Jasper is arrested and taken away. Len tells her mother and Helena claims that she did it to protect Len. And the entire world lets out one big sarcastic laugh!

Liam comes in while they’re fighting and takes Helena’s side. He calls Len a mess and then tells her to “pull it together”. The whole thing feels wildly out of character and I wonder if Liam is joining the darkside. Len storms off and Liam explains to Helena that he needs to follow lest she go on a bender.

They meet back in Len’s room and Liam explains he had to be mean to her to trick Helena. He has her back and he fully intends to sign the referendum and abolish the monarchy as well. Up until this point, we haven’t had a clear idea as to whether or not Liam and Len support the referendum. But now, they both seem exhausted and just want all of the madness to end. Who can blame them?

But oh no! That sneaky Lucius was listening at the door which means the kids may as well have had this conversation directly in front of Helena. But really, how soundproof are these doors? If Lucius can simply lean against them and hear an entire conversation, then what’s the point of even closing them?

Liam prepares to take his vows as Prince Regent and is visited by Ophelia. They have a lovely moment that is soon interrupted by Helena. She tells Ophelia that Liam belongs to England now. Cut to Ophelia accepting the audition in New York City. I am all about Ophelia living her truth and finding her own path, but you gotta stop letting the Queen get into your head, girl!!

Right when Liam is finishing with his vows, Cyrus BUSTS into the room and demands that they cease because Liam and Eleanor are not the biological children of King Simon!! (Okay, so are we just stealing plots from Game of Thrones now?!) The thing is, Queen Helena does not refute him. He announces himself as the new King of England and I half expected hyenas to descend from the rafters singing “Be Prepared” from The Lion King.

The episode ends with Marcus and Papa Ophelia discovering new security footage of a hooded man lurking outside the castle for days on end. My first thought was “Robert?!” but the stranger looks directly at camera and Papa Ophelia asks “Who are you??” So, there goes my theory.

Oh, we also find out that Queen Helena knew exactly what Cyrus was doing and the two drink together and celebrate being the worst people alive.

Ok, so now for my wild theories: What if one of the twins was Simon’s and one was not? I think that’s possible. And what if we find out that Len is his daughter but Liam isn’t his son? Also, this hooded guy…I’m still not convinced it’s not somehow connected to Robert. What if Robert Ugly Bettys everyone and comes back with mountains of plastic surgery?

And finally, there’s a moment in the episode when Helena darkly says to Liam “The life you’ve known is gone…”

Do you think William and Kate had to say that to Prince George when his sister was born?

‘The Royals’ Recap 1×8: Sister (and Brother) From Another Mister