Prepare yourself—the memes are coming. By this, I mean one thing: Kim Kardashian is pregnant yet again, and thus for the next nine months your newsfeed will be clogged with pictures of her photoshopped into a whale (or an elephant, or a swamp monster—good Lord, the internet is mean).
And I don’t know about you, but to me going through the pregnancy craze yet again feels trite, worn down. I’m not interested in the first set of Kardashian sisters, and the second set prove to be disappointingly tame (plump lips, a whiff of marijuana, and an older boyfriend could just as easily describe most freshmen in high school, take notes Kylie). No, the future of the famed Kardashian clan lies in the hands of North and her unborn sibling.
I’d like to think that the new child will be a girl named Kaitlyn (fondly named after her step–mother Caitlyn Jenner, but also following in the Kardashian tradition of “k” names). Of course, what’s a Kardashian without a reality show? Here are my predictions for the next generation of Keeping up with the Kardashian episodes, featuring North and her little sister, Kaitlyn:
- North, age six, decides to go on birth control, shrilly arguing with Kanye that she has early–onset adolescent acne. Kanye refuses, marking the first time Kanye has ever been right about anything.
- Kaitlyn worries that her baby fat is actually just fat. She repeats, “but what if, like, I really don’t grow out of it? Don’t tell me to calm down, Kimberly, YOU calm down!” for 22 out of the half–hour long episode.
- Kaitlyn starts dating Leonardo DiCaprio at age 14. The age difference suits him well, and jump starts Kaitlyn’s film career, who proceeds to star in a string of poorly received Tyler Perry films.
- Kris Jenner undergoes extensive surgery to become a sort of Benjamin Button–like being, aging backwards. In the year 2075, Keeping Up with the Kardashians ends its run, with Kris Jenner passing away as an infant, still looking eerily similar to her 2015 self. Everyone is confused.
