Editor’s note: Orly Greenberg is tvDownload’s new summer intern. Since the rest of the week we treat her like Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada (Vinnie’s favorite movie), we allow her one day to recap an episode of a show she’s never seen before. For the inaugral column, Orly has taken it upon herself to understand Game of Thrones by only watching last week’s episode, “Hardhome.”
We exist, but we’re far and few between: I am part of the small, small minority that doesn’t watch Game of Thrones. Before you stop reading this article in disgust, let me explain.
To be honest, I watched the first episode years ago because I really wanted to fit in. And it could have been that I’d so recently gotten my wisdom teeth removed and was watching on a fair to dangerous amount of Vicodin, but I really hated the program. Like, I hated this show passionately. I was confused (again, this could have been the pain meds, but I digress)—what year is this? Were we even on Earth? Why is there so much incest in this universe? Is this all that goes on in this new, weird alternate reality? Because gross. Stop that guys.
But I’m no quitter. And I’m sick of my family having obsessive GOT conversations without me. I think it’s time I joined the craze, but I’d rather not spend a week catching up on past episodes—I haven’t seen anything past the pilot, but that’s not going to stop me from joining Game of Thrones in its latest episode…five seasons in. Without further ado, here are my thoughts and theories on Game of Thrones, Episode 5×8: Hardhome.
- I like this so far. This looks goofy. I didn’t know Jack Black was in Game of Thrones! That’s inspired casting.
- Wait, my bad. That was a commercial for another HBO show. Disappointed. Will look into new Jack Black show at a later date.
- This “Previously on Game of Thrones” segment is a minute and a half long. I’ve missed a lot. And a twelve year old girl just got punched in the face.
- Side note: the introduction to this show is SO LONG. It’s absurdly long. Does anyone know why it’s so long? What happened to the good old days? Does anyone remember the Lost introduction? It just said “LOST.” Clear, simple, to the point. Black screen. Thank you, Damon Lindelof. Game of Thrones guy, you clearly have no idea what you’re doing.
- Okay, we started. Peter Dinklage is being threatened by a very pretty, very clean blonde girl. Kudos to blonde girl for staying so clean. You are a role model to everyone else on this show, none of whom seem to even have access to moist towelettes.
- Pretty blonde girl has an even prettier assistant. She has banging style. And banging abs. She doesn’t appear to speak, ever, but if she were to get a spinoff on the Style channel, guess what, I would watch it.
- The blonde lady wants to be queen, and Peter Dinklage rolls up and is like, “Hey, I can help you,” drops some mad wisdom, and saves his escort’s life. Thanks Peter Dinklage!
- Now there’s another blonde lady who’s being held in what appears to be a nun torture chamber. She should ask for shoes, or maybe a tetanus shot. Prospects look grim for less clean, other blonde lady.
- Now we’re introduced to Lana, who’s an oyster monger. She seems pretty industrious. Good for you Lana! She’s taking these knuckle raps like a champ too. And she’s rocking little Miley buns. Who is the many faced god? That sounds complicated and also terrifying.
- Hold up. We’re back to dirty blonde lady, who’s been charged with incest, which now makes me feel uncomfortable about calling her dirty blonde lady. Also her family seems to have abandoned her. I’d guess because of the incest.
- Now a pretty red haired girl is being really quite cruel to a scruffy guy, whose name has yet to be confirmed (Reek? Theon? Do I care? Am I still thinking about how the pretty blonde girl’s sidekick got such nice abs? Maybe).
- SIDE NOTE: Every guy on this show looks exactly the same. They could all be the same actor, and I doubt anyone would notice. I feel like GOT casting calls go something like: “Highly confusing fantasy show seeking scruffy guy with quivering voice. Must be able to play up to 12 different characters.”
- Red hair and scruffy guy have their heads very close together. Are they going to kiss? Maybe. They also might be siblings, I’m not sure. Everyone on this show is related. #incest
- We cut to some guys having a gravelly voice contest in a darkly lit chamber. I don’t know what they’re saying.
- Peter Dinklage and clean blonde lady are talking about their dads and politics. I also don’t know what they’re saying.
- There’s three characters talking about something. I really don’t know what they’re saying. Oh! That girl’s from Skins. She’s a good actress. I’m glad to see she’s working.
- Now we’re somewhere snowy with Jon Snow (I know this character!) This show is shot in so many different places. It must be so expensive. Think of how many baby seals they could save with this money. They could probably fix California’s drought with the GOT budget.
- I got bored and started looking up Jack Black’s career. I should really see Kung Fu Panda 2.
- The background noise is exclusively gravelly voices. It’s kind of comforting. I’m starting to feel sleepy.
- There’s a whole herd of scruffy men now. It’s a damn army. Who is supplying Game of Thrones with all these scruffy men? Are they all represented by the same agency?
- Some guy was just beaten to death. Another scruffy man’s career, tragically cut short.
- There’s some crazy sexual tension between this girl–warrior and Jon Snow. I’m calling that right now.
- There’s what appears to be an ogre in the back of the room and everyone is startlingly unconcerned.
- Plot twist: zombies. What doesn’t Game of Thrones have?
- This entire scene looks like the wet dream of a Walking Dead fan. This guy also probably really likes Game of Thrones too, now that I think about it.
- I would totally cast Kit Harington in a horror movie about a quiet, nerdy type who really comes into his own during a zombie apocalypse.
- Jon Snow and a white alien get into a fight. Something weird happens with their swords and they make eye contact, and for a second, who knows, maybe they could be friends. Maybe even lovers. A baby with Jon’s hair and white alien’s piercing blue eyes? Swoon.
- Jon shatters potential alien life partner.
- Jon Snow is lucky that no zombies attack him while he takes a quick breather.
- Scratch that about the girl–warrior and Jon Snow, she got mauled by zombie children.
- Oh shit, everyone just got revived, but as a part of another white alien’s army. They all have the same blue eyes. Methinks they look better that way.
- Girl–warrior is also revived as a zombie. My hopes for a Jon Snow, blue eyed baby live on.
- Then Jon Snow and his little gang sail away in complete silence and it’s so, so awkward.
- The end.