The first teaser trailer for Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! is only 20 seconds long. Twenty seconds. One-third of a minute. But it just raises…so many questions. So many questions about what’s happening, who is in it, how I feel about myself, life (love?) in general.
Here, I present to you, all of those questions:
- Do you think any one in the Syfy marketing team was completely un-ironic in comparing the Sharknado trilogy to Lord of the Rings, Dark Knight, and Godfather movies? Like, yeah I’m sure it’s meant as tongue-in-cheek but there has to be someone, let’s call him Gil to keep up with the shark puns, in their department that sincerely believes the Sharknado movies are equal in quality.
- Does that make Gil better or worse at his job than everyone else?
- Are we to believe that these three shots — two of crowds fleeing in Universal Studios and one of a scantily clad, heavily armed woman rising from the water — are related in any way?
- Is everyone running from the scantily clad woman? She did bring a giant rifle into a theme park, although at this point it has to be water logged. But I kind of assumed they would be running from sharks? In a tornado?
- But wait, so the next shot is — God bless these movies — a massive shark landing in the lap of the Lincoln Memorial. Seeing as how Universal Studios is approximately 858.3 miles from the Lincoln Memorial, they can’t be the same Sharknado, can they? Can a Sharknado travel 858.3 miles, assuming it primarily took 1-95?
- What are the odds of two separate Sharknados occurring 858.3 miles apart from each other? Can anyone out there calculate those odds? I’d love to know those odds.
- Is that Mark Cuban, who is worth about 3 billion dollars, firing a shotgun aimlessly into the air in what appears to be the White House?
- Is this the official answer to “how much free time does 3 billion dollars buy you?”
- What is the over-under on how many times this movie references the fact that Mark Cuban is a “shark” on Shark Tank? (I’m officially setting it at 17. Check back here for updates)
- Does NASCAR driver Brad Keselowski deserve to be crushed to death by a falling great white shark, simply because he is sponsored by Miller Lite?
- In all seriousness, do you think you could live in a world where a Sharknado event happened three times? I think I could possibly stomach one, and write it off as “definitely weird.” I don’t even know if I could live with two. Three would make me question my place in the world. Question our place in the world, really. Because at that point it’s a trend. It’s a constant fear. What is the point of sitting here at a computer when at any second a tornado filled with sharks could throw a 7,000 pound sea monster through my ceiling? I don’t even leave the office when it’s raining. What happens if there’s a fourth Sharknado event? At what point do we look into stopping this problem beyond strapping a circular saw to Tara Reid’s arm? Are scientists on this? Is anyone on this?
- Wait, does Tara Reid not have a circular saw strapped to her arm?