The Bachelorette is so good, it’s frustrating that we have to cap it off at a measly two hours per week. That’s why each Tuesday, we’ll be having a Bachelorette Morning-After Rose Ceremony to celebrate the people, places and moments that really made the previous night’s episode shine.
A rose to the totally-not-staged, completely impromptu town hall meeting that organically occurs the second Nick rolls into the dudes’ hotel suite.
A trillion dead, barf-covered roses to Nick for describing Kaitlyn as a “really cool chick.” I bet Nick’s the kind of guy who describes every remotely-good thing as “dope,” calls his mom “home girl,” and just generally makes my skin crawl in every imaginable way.
Brushin’ off the barf from those trillion roses and giving them all to Josh The Welder, Protector of Ye Good Olde American Values. “You called her a cool chick,” he says to Nick, the muscles borne from years of welding bulging. “Is she a cool chick or an amazing woman to you?”
A rose to Kaitlyn for enduring being carried by J.J. around all four bases. It was cute at first, but it’s the kind of thing that’s fun for like two-and-a-half seconds, before you realize how damn long it takes to carry an adult human around all four bases.
Roses to all the dudes for valiantly shivering through what had to be the coldest Rose Ceremony in Bachelorette history. They’re in Queens in the middle of winter, A.K.A. the surface of Pluto. Why did no one let them wear coats?
Extra roses to Kentucky Joe, who I believe rounded the bases, if you will, of the first three stages of hypothermia.
A rose to two-step, Ben H. and Kaitlyn’s one-on-one date activity, and also the 7,000,000th activity that, shockingly, is a lot like relationships. It’s so much like relationships, ABC even put together a convenient montage of Texas-y people explaining all the reasons why two-step is a lot like relationships. Spoiler alert: You have to “learn each other’s moves” and “put up with each other’s mistakes.”
I dream, one day, of a Bachelorette date that is literally nothing like relationships. Underwater basket-weaving. Basketball, but with trampolines. Ordering Seamless and binge-watching My 600-lb. Life (jk that is literally the essence of my present relationship).
A rose to all the meals that could be going to America’s homeless population, or at least to me, but instead get left uneaten on EVERY. DAMN. DINNER TABLE. IN BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE HISTORY. Honestly, why even serve food?
Whatever, I guess all the non-eating paid off, because Ben H. finally proves he’s ~vulnerable~ and scores a rose.
A rose to the exact moment Kaitlyn realized Ian was taking the Mariachi date way. too. fucking. seriously.
A rose to Josh The Welder, Protector of Ye Good Olde American Values, who is pure as freshly-fallen snow,
maybe definitely still a virgin, and gets played so hard on the group date.
Josh The Welder tells Kaitlyn that none of the other guys like Nick, either; they’re just not speaking up. But when Kaitlyn asks the guys if they’ve all been honest with her, they say they have—leaving Josh The Welder looking like a big ol’ idiot, sputtering in his attempt to remind Ben Z. about “that thing he said by the bus.” Nick, ultimately, gets the group date rose. It’s honestly so tragic, I can barely watch.
Oh—and all this while Josh The Welder sports a god-awful haircut he thought would show Kaitlyn his “trust.”
ATTENTION, ATTENTION, a rose to what might be a first in Bachelorette history: the show’s star explicitly telling a contestant—especially this early on—that she ALSO FEELS LOVE FEELINGS FOR HIM. (Typically, when a contestant drops the L-bomb, the star has no choice but to mumble “thank you” or haphazardly pat a passing monkey or something, so as not to give viewers a hint at who’s really the front-runner.)
“I’m falling in love with you,” Shawn tells Kaitlyn on their one-on-one date, following a harrowing story about that time he almost died in a car crash and was in the hospital for like a billion years.
“I feel the same way,” she replies.
Aaaaaand this week’s complete crash-and-burn rose goes to Ian, who claims he’s “not interested” in Kaitlyn anymore, but in fact is just a wittle baby whose feewings are hurt because Kaitlyn doesn’t wanna bang him—unlike like all the other girls who’ve ever had the enormous privilege of feasting their eyes on his glorious, Princeton-educated, almost-died-in-a-car-accident bod.
Every time Ian speaks, it gets worse. “I don’t think there’s something wrong with me; I think there’s something wrong with her.” “I meet chicks and I have a lot of sex in my own life.” “I am an enigma and who I am is a gift you unwrap for life.”
ACTUALLY, IAN, I AM FINE WITHOUT UNWRAPPING ANYTHING THX.
No roses to me, because I totally misread Ian and was practically ready to sacrifice my first-born child in exchange for his undying love. I am ashamed.
A rose to next week’s episode, which, judging by the preview, IS WHEN ALL THE SEX HAPPENS. Bring on the tears.