‘The Bachelorette’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Episode 7

The rest of the season, basically. (Photo: ABC)

The rest of the season, basically. (Photo: ABC)

The Bachelorette is so good, it’s frustrating that we have to cap it off at a measly two hours per week. That’s why each Tuesday, we’ll be having a Bachelorette Morning-After Rose Ceremony to celebrate the people, places and moments that really made the previous night’s episode shine.

rose iconA rose to Princeton grad Ian, most certainly The Bachelorette‘s most self-aware contestant of all time.

“They didn’t teach movie quotes at Princeton,” Ian says as he struts off the set, before tossing his skinny tie over his shoulder and insisting he’s “destined to be the next Bachelor.” Don’t all rush at once, ladies!

"i'm way too deep for Kaitlyn. btw i went to princeton, in case u didn't know i went to princeton." (Photo: ABC)

“i’m way too deep for Kaitlyn. btw i went to princeton, in case u didn’t know i went to princeton.” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Chris Harrison, who finally realized he should probably, like, do something this season.

With approximately 0.7 seconds to go before the Rose Ceremony, Chris pulls Kaitlyn aside for a rushed, impromptu #girltalk sesh behind some random wall at the Alamo. “We haven’t had much of a chance to talk,” he says, marking the greatest number of consecutive words he’s strung together this season.

"i'm scared it won't get any easier" (Photo: ABC)

“i’m scared it won’t get any easier” (Photo: ABC)

".............it won't." (Photo: ABC)

“it won’t.” (Photo: ABC)

"kk kewl thx!!!" (Photo: ABC)

“kk kewl thx good talk!!!” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Tanner, who scores a rose despite never having formally introduced himself to Kailtyn.

"uh, i'll take the guy who isn't josh or justin" (Photo: ABC)

“uh, i’ll take the guy who isn’t josh or justin” (Photo: ABC)

"'scuse me fellas" (Photo: ABC)

“‘scuse me fellas” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Josh the Welder, whose hair not only looks like the lovechild of a rooster and a wood-chipper, but who also doesn’t get a rose, and then has to listen as everyone cheers about going to Dublin.

"i don't know what ireland is but i want it so bad" (Photo: ABC)

“i don’t know what ireland is but i want it so bad” (Photo: ABC)

Oh—noted rando Justin, he of the terrible hair and perpetual beside-the-nose zit, also gets the boot. Farewell, Justin, we hardly knew ye.

rose iconA rose to my genius theory, if I don’t say so myself: that Nick Viall is merely Spencer Pratt taking yet another stab at reality TV stardom.

Am I right or am I right (Photo: Getty/ABC)

Am I right or am I right though (Photo: Getty/ABC)

rose iconA rose to the scariest aspect of Kaitlyn and Nick’s daytime walk around Dublin—nay, not the prevalence of flappy birds, but Nick’s weird, flimsy, collar-less leather jacket paired with what appears to be a thermal pajama shirt underneath.

"must run away from that outfit beep beep" - pigeon in bottom left (Photo: ABC)

“must run away from that outfit beep beep” – pigeon in bottom left (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to whatever kinky, Medieval-themed porno inspired Nick’s repertoire of dirty talk.

"i beg of thee, forego your chastity, ye maiden fair" (Photo: ABC)

“i beg of thee, forego your chastity, ye maiden fair” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconNo roses to the creepy weirdness that is this post-coital balcony scene. Is this camera person secretly filming Kaitlyn from the interior of some shrubbery, without her knowing? If so, who on Earth is Kaitlyn talking to as she considers whether Farmer Chris and Britt actually had sex? And if Kaitlyn is, in fact, aware she is being filmed, why did ABC think we’d rather watch this interview from the perspective of a pervert hiding in the bushes under Kaitlyn’s balcony?!?!

This image proudly brought to you by a hidden man with an iPhone camera. (Photo: ABC)

This image proudly brought to you by a hidden man with an iPhone camera. (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to all the fun and/or romantic aspects of Irish culture (Golf! Pubs! Castles!) that would have made perfectly fine group date activities, but inexplicably got passed over in favor of HAVING AN IRISH WAKE AND—wait for it— PRETENDING KAITLYN IS DEAD. I can’t. I just can’t with this date.

rose iconA rose to Kaitlyn for giving super thorough consideration to how Ben Z.—whose mother tragically died when he was 14—might respond to said horrible group date activity.

“I definitely meant for this to be a lighthearted thing,” Kaitlyn says perplexedly, having just lain in a coffin while the dudes delivered eulogies over her fake-dead body.

"tbh this reminds me of my mother's tragic death" (Photo: ABC)

“tbh this reminds me of my mother’s tragic death” (Photo: ABC)

"lololol this date is fun" (Photo: ABC)

“lololol this date is fun” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Tanner, this season’s actual most self-aware contestant (sorry Ian).

On any given season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, the pool of contestants contains various hangers-on who stay on the show for a long time, despite obviously having no connection with the show’s star. They stick around not because they stand a chance at winning, but because they’re merely less unappealing than whomever else has been sent home. Like Tasos, on Andi’s season. Or Samantha, on Farmer Chris’s season, who never once spoke on air.

But none have been as conscious and openly accepting of their hanger-on status as Tanner, he who goes so far as to make his “eulogy” all about how unlikely it is that he’s actually still on the show. And who proclaims, after Jared gets the group date rose, “I’m packing my bags real good this time”—and isn’t even sad about it. So meta, bro.

Tanner for Bachelor!!!!!!!!!!! but like obviously jk. (Photo: AC)

Tanner for Bachelor!!!!!!!!!!! but like obviously jk. (Photo: AC)

rose iconA rose to anyone who was wondering what the good ol’ Cranberries were up to these days.

"btw we also do weddings & bar mitzvahs" (Photo: ABC)

“btw we also do weddings & bar mitzvahs” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA thousand roses to Nice Guy Shawn, who gets completely and utterly screwed this episode (and not in the same way as Nick, sadly). It starts when Nick returns, grinning like a creepy man-baby in his signature pajama shirt, from his one-on-one date with Kaitlyn:

"yo bro i banged kaitlyn lol!" (Photo: ABC)

“yo bro i banged kaitlyn lol!” (Photo: ABC)

"wtf bro" (Photo: ABC)

“wtf bro” (Photo: ABC)

And then later, on the group date, after the dumb-as-hell fake Irish wake…

"hey kaitlyn can i show you some pics of my pregnant sister and my best friend, a dog?" (Photo: ABC)

“hey kaitlyn can i show you some pics of my pregnant sister and my best friend, a dog?” (Photo: ABC)

"hello jared may i lick your face & give you a rose" (Photo: ABC)

“hello jared may i lick your face & give you a rose” (Photo: ABC)

Finally, after Scary Jared (who hasn’t shaved for a single date this season, btw) gets the group date rose, Shawn goes rogue and storms off the set, requisite shaky cam in tow. He’s really pissed; Kaitlyn, apparently, had privately told him he was “it.”

“Then what?” Shawn asks, “We get to the Fantasy Suite and she bangs two other dudes?”

rose iconNo roses to Kaitlyn, who might have screwed things up irreparably with Shawn. NOBODY PUTS SHAWN IN THE CORNER WHILE THEY GO BANG NICK.

Just kidding—Kaitlyn actually gets a billion roses b/c these season is already 7 trillion times more exciting than watching Andi “Duckface” Dorfman, boringest Bachelorette evaaaa.

"u told me i was 'it'" (Photo: ABC)

“u told me i was ‘it’ 😦 :(” (Photo: ABC)

"yes but then i saw nick in a flimsy, collar-less leather jacket" (Photo: ABC)

“yes but then i saw nick in a flimsy, collar-less leather jacket” (Photo: ABC)

"i messed up" (Photo: ABC)

“i messed up” (Photo: ABC)

‘The Bachelorette’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Episode 7