Say my name. Or slur it. Either way.
As you’ve probably heard, Blue Ice Vodka is releasing a limited edition series of Breaking Bad-themed bottles, each one emblazoned with a different Heisenberg catch phrase: “The One Who Knocks,” “Tread Lightly,” and “Say My Name.”
But I’m not convinced this vodka is for every day drinking. Breaking out a bottle of Heisenberg-themed vodka for any and all occasions seems, well, wasteful. Here’s a couple of select situations where I think Breaking Bad vodka is more than appropriate:
- You’re watching Breaking Bad and decide to have a mixed drink. Fair enough, it’s been a long day and you deserve to unwind.
- Speaking of long days, you’re a teacher and you’re having a rough time with your students. You suspect most of them are on meth. Are you failing as a mentor? Who knows. Have a drink.
- So, the wife’s been a little testy. And it’s not your fault you haven’t been home in a while. And the pizza you threw on the roof wasn’t the most mature move, but even she’s got to admit, the toss was nothing but elegant. Sulk in your car and sip sun–warmed vodka while you figure out a place to sleep.
- You and your friend are taking a road trip! Chewing the fat, catching up, cooking some drugs, the usual. For when you eventually run out of water and start to anticipate, even welcome, your own death: some sips of “Tread Lightly” should alleviate your thirst quite nicely.
- Grandma’s getting lonely, and you have to visit her. But nursing homes are so depressing! Take a shot. Did the nursing home just blow up? Are you now missing half your face? One part lemonade, two parts vodka, and two parts cranberry juice should do the trick. Serve over ice, after you finish icing your half–face.
- It’s that time of the week: you’ve got to do some maintenance around the house. There’s dusting, vacuuming, not to mention all of the plaster from when the bathtub fell through the ceiling. Oh, and the disintegrated flesh and smell of hydrofluoric acid. Should you hire help? Or maybe even just invite some friends over to help you with the mess. Do you even have friends? Even Walter had Jessie. Dispose of the body, contemplate your loneliness, and pour yourself a drink.
- Dammit, the dog got into the garden. Oh wait. It was a kid who got into the garden. And actually on second thought it was you who got into the garden and also poisoned a kid with Lily of the Valley and who knows how he’s doing. Either way, there’s dirt tracked into the house and no one’s going to bother with helping you clean that up. You should really check if that kid is O.K. But first, a drink.
- No one’s saying it’s your fault. But there was a plane crash and you totally are the sole cause of it. Grab a bunch of those mini bottles they serve on airplanes while you drink away your guilt. Wait. Is that guilt you’re feeling? It might be irritation at having to clean up the luggage strewn all over your backyard. Yup, it’s irritation. Might want to upgrade to a regular sized bottle.
- You definitely don’t have a meth lab. Because that would be insane! And not to mention illegal. But if you did and if it was threatened by your partner’s girlfriend, you would have no choice but to watch her choke to death on her own vomit while you stood over her and watched. Women, am I right? Grab a bottle and pull, it’s going to be a long day.
- Oh, are two killer twins after you? With axes? Because that is a horrifyingly specific weapon to use in this day and age. Do they have you cornered in a parking lot? After a peaceful day of shopping, no less? How awful. Oh there you go, you killed one with your car. Is the other twin bearing down on you, slowly, axe raised as you fumble for your gun? How very stressful. You deserve a nice chilled vodka, my friend. Then I suggest you break the bottle over the bumper of your Jeep Commando and prepare to fight.
After all that, still not sure vodka is doing the trick? Hell, there’s always meth. Isn’t that right?