ORLY, ‘The Strain?’ A Newbie Dives Into the Season Two Premiere, ‘BK,NY’

(Photo: FX)

(Photo: FX)

Editor’s note: Orly Greenberg is tvDownload’s new summer intern. Since the rest of the week we treat her like Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada (Vinnie’s favorite movie), we allow her one day to recap an episode of a show she’s never seen before. This week, Orly has taken it upon herself to understand The Strain by only watching the most recent episode, “BK, NY.”

The Strain does an excellent job of advertising. It also does an excellent job of terrifying me with its advertising. I do not like snakes, and I do not like what appears to be a snake emerging out of virtually every Strain actor’s mouth. But sometimes, television writers need to be brave, and face their fears. I’m taking on the season two premiere of the FX show—I haven’t seen any previous episodes, but I’ve got context (snakes come out of people’s mouths). I’m ready.

  • From what I’ve assembled from the “Previously On,” something really, really bad is happening. There are snakes shooting out of people’s mouths, and little girls are being decapitated, and windows are broken with little to no regard.
  • It needs to be noted that I’m also scared of everything, so this assignment is more malicious than anything.
  • Now we’ve jumped to 1932, where a European grandma sits with her grandson, feeding him soup and telling him stories. This reminds me of my bubbe! I’m reassured.
  • I’m going to backtrack. I am not reassured and I am not reminded of my bubbe. My bubbe once made me brownies for breakfast. This horrible woman is telling her grandson about the very same monsters we saw in the preview, and one monster is just, killing everyone.
  • This kid is like five. Poor guy doesn’t even stand a chance.
  • “I can smell the silver on the blade,” the monster mocks when a brave hunter tries to kill him, which is funny, because he has a hole where his nose is intended to be. Which I guess, in some weird way, makes smelling easier. I’m sorry for disputing your logic, The Strain.
  • This is…this is truly horrifying. The monster just threw up maggots into this poor hunter–prince’s mouth, and now he’s a monster too.
  • Now we’re in TriBeca, and I guess little Alexander grew up okay, because I think that’s him walking around with a most distinguished cane.
  • What I’m getting is that silver kills these things, which is kind of like vampires right? I’m suddenly unimpressed with the creativity of this show.
  • Actually, I am impressed.
  • The infected people aren’t dragging their lifeless limbs around, stupid and dawdling like zombies. These guys are smart! And organized! This is a regime I can get behind.
  • OH, one of the guys just said he was a vampire hunter, these things are vampires, my mistake.
  • Now it appears a human and a monster are working together, which is so forward thinking.
  • Do you know what isn’t forward thinking though? This:

    (Photo: FX)

    (Photo: FX)

  • Honestly, considering the crap these monsters must get, maybe try to be a little considerate. Rumor once said that Jews have horns, which is a frightening visual, so that’s got to make the monster community a little more empathetic, right?
  • Well, this anti–Semitic monster needs a new replacement, and requires someone to fetch…something. And also needs a bunch of children to eat.
  • Again with the humans and monsters working together! Old guy (possibly Alexander) was kidnapped and brought to…work with the monsters! To kill a different kind of monster.
  • The monsters then eat a guy they presumably found on the street. This poor guy. Can you imagine the actor? It’s his big break, and his job is to writhe in pain while mouth–snakes eat him.
  • Also, the monsters appear to be scratching and hitting him unnecessarily. I get that they survive off human flesh, I know. But they don’t have to hurt him too. Just eat and be done, don’t extend it. That’s so mean.
  • Two old guys have a brief meeting about serving the monsters. Fine. Then they have a meeting with a broker about buying a property, zoning issues, licenses, the works.
  • If there is a vampire/zombie/snake–mouth monster apocalypse, how do government regulations on land matter anymore? There are monsters actually probably living in your dry wall, waiting for you to come home so they can eat you. Buying a building and making sure it remains within the proper standards should be actually last on the list of concerns right now.

    Yes yes work and business as usual don't mind the vampire sign these documents! (Photo: FX)

    Yes yes work and business as usual don’t mind the vampire sign these documents! (Photo: FX)

  • Now the broker is talking about how much she loves the Red Sox, and I just need to know if all of the players are monsters by this point. That could be the only thing to make baseball fun, actually.
  • Vampire hunter’s son is having some serious anger issues. I guess his dad tried to shoot his monster mom, and now he’s throwing knives at the wall for comfort.
  • Really, I think if he just read how ridiculous that sentence was, he might find more humor in the matter.
  • “Find a cure,” he snarls at his dad. Like it’s so easy, little man. Maybe stop hurling knives and do more science, be part of the solution.
  • OH NO okay so earlier, there was a school of blind children being evacuated to a new, safer location. Turns out the bus takes them to the anti–Semitic monster who needed children. Sometimes life is just the worst.
  • I’m really questioning whether this is even an apocalypse. Where are the burning buildings? The total collapse of civilization? Everyone kind of acknowledges that there are vampires roaming around, but it’s more of an, “eh, what can you do?” kind of attitude.
  • Side note, why do the monsters just, not attack the humans they’re working with? They don’t seem like they have that much restraint. Why is every single human not dead already? Are these questions answered by the first season, which I didn’t watch? Probably.
  • A more powerful monster just returned the voice and mind to what I think is the wife of the vampire hunter. Very convenient. They could definitely get back together. It could totally happen. It’s 2015, people.
  • The vampire hunter and his gang go to a storage unit to retrieve weapons and research. They stumble across a couple who has effectively “stored themselves,” which doesn’t really make sense logistically, but that’s okay.
  • The group gets attacked. The couple gets bitten. It’s sad for everyone.
ORLY, ‘The Strain?’ A Newbie Dives Into the Season Two Premiere, ‘BK,NY’