‘The Bachelorette’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Episode 10

God bless America. (Photo: ABC)

God bless America. (Photo: ABC)

The Bachelorette is so good, it’s frustrating that we have to cap it off at a measly two hours per week. That’s why each Tuesday, we’ll be having a Bachelorette Morning-After Rose Ceremony to celebrate the people, places and moments that really made the previous night’s episode shine.

rose iconA rose to all the animals that were definitely harmed in the making of this episode.

 

"these guys sure are cute, huh" (Photo: ABC)

“these guys sure are cute, huh” (Photo: ABC)

"Actually, we believe this show reenforces backwards patriarchal values." (Photo: ABC)

“Actually, we believe the overarching premise of this show reenforces backwards patriarchal values.” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to the Irish sweater merchant who now, thanks to this season, has the financial security to retire. May he move to some tropical island and be neighbors with the guy who made all those ~Europe-y scarves~ in Andi’s season.

"so this is my picnicking sweater...." (Photo: ABC)

“so this is my picnicking sweater….” (Photo: ABC)

"....but THIS is my fancy dinner sweater!" (Photo: ABC)

“….but THIS is my fancy dinner sweater!” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to every way a Bachelorette contestant has ever talked about sex in the Fantasy Suite without actually talking about sex in the Fantasy Suite. “We stayed up all night and… ate chocolate.” “I got to know her on a deeper level than ever before.” “It was so nice penetrating her… opinions on relevant global issues.”

“Tonight will be a night that we learn more about each other, and I’m excited just for that,” Ben H. says before heading to the sex castle with Kaitlyn. (Speaking of “learning more” about each other, Kaitlyn later announces she had “a half hour” of sleep.)

"byeeeee we're going to practice long division and compare quiche recipes" (Photo: ABC)

“byeeeee we’re going to practice long division and compare quiche recipes” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to the extremely specific fetish millions of Americans just learned they had: naked dudes sporting nothing but socks and golf clubs.

If someone could blow this up and frame it for me that would be cool, thxxxxxx. (Photo: ABC)

If someone could blow this up and frame it for me that would be cool, thxxxxxx. (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA thousand roses to Shawn, who, despite keeping things smokin’ hot on the golf course, was forced to endure the least sexy Fantasy Suite lead-up imaginable:

"i hate to do this..." (Photo: ABC)

“i hate to do this…” (Photo: ABC)

"...But can we talk more about your feelings towards Nick?" (Photo: ABC)

“…But can we talk more about your feelings towards Nick?” (Photo: ABC)

"sry when are we doing the sex?" (Photo: ABC)

“sry when are we doing the sex?” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to drying paint, televised poker, the magazines in my dentist office’s waiting room, and all of the other horrifically boring things that are STILL MORE INTERESTING than yet another pointless fight between Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee Nick and Shawn about who’s the manlier man… or something.

"hey Shawn, the producers made me lean suggestively against this wall so i guess we have to fight again" (Photo: ABC)

“hey Shawn, the producers made me lean suggestively against this wall so i guess we have to fight again” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Sweet Baby Jesus, who I hope grants my prayers and never makes me hear the phrase “eskimo brothers” ever again for as long as I live.

 

rose iconThe world’s tiniest, wilt-iest, thorniest rose to Kailtyn, who’s having such a tough time because—as she tells Chris Harrison during #girltalk time—she can’t understand why Nick and Shawn keep fighting with each other and “wasting precious time.”

Gurl. Can you seriously not figure out why these dudes keep fighting each other? You literally just denied Shawn his only chance at premarital sex because you made him lie in bed and talk about Nick for 17 hours straight. I hate to break it to you, but YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM.

"so kaitlyn how do u feel abt Nick" (Photo: ABC)

“so Kaitlyn how do u feel abt Nick” (Photo: ABC)

"can we break for 9 hours while i talk it over more with Shawn" (Photo: ABC)

“can we break for 9 hours while i talk it over more with Shawn” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to every quaint backyard barbecue and family game of hide-and-seek Kaitlyn will never ever have, because she just sent home noted BEST GUY EVER, BEN H., in favor of Rock’em Sock’em Robots, Nick and Shawn. This is an indisputably terrible decision, Kaitlyn.

In other news, BEN H. FOR BACHELOR?!?!?!

I LOVE U SO MUCH BEN H.!!!!!!!!!!!! (Photo: ABC)

I LOVE U SO MUCH BEN H.!!!!!!!!!!!! (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to the very intriguing social experiment conducted on this week’s episode: What happens when you’re stuck in a room with someone you absolutely hate, but the producers took away your iPhone so you can’t even “check Twitter”? Answer: You obsessively hitch up your suit pants, apparently.

Fascinating. (Photo: ABC)

Fascinating. (Photo: ABC)

rose iconI’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: No roses to Nick’s beyond-terrifying “head-tilts-down, eyes-look-up” routine while talking to women whose blood he’d like to taste he’s attracted to:

Head tilts down... (Photo: ABC)

Head tilts down… (Photo: ABC)

... Eyes look up! (Photo: ABC)

… Eyes look up! (Photo: ABC)

But in all seriousness—as much as it pains me—Nick’s fireside speech to Kaitlyn is actually pretty good. “I don’t think it’s a big surprise, but I am totally in love with you—more that I can say in words,” he tells Kaitlyn, after assuring her he totes likes her more than Andi. Un-sarcastically calling this now: Nick’s winning this thang. SHAWN FOR BACHELOR (but actually no, because he’ll have like 47 mental breakdowns during the first night cocktail party alone).

rose iconA rose to anyone who can explain explain to me why this year’s “hometown” dates are taking place in the random state of… Utah.

 

rose iconA rose to 19 Kids and Counting coming back on the air—OH WAIT, THAT’S JUST NICK’S 7 BILLION CREEPY SIBLINGS.

 

Cool party, you guys. (Photo: ABC)

AND THEY ALL HAVE CREEPY NICK’S CREEPY FACE. (Photo: ABC)

Is it just me, or is this the creepiest hometown in Bachelorette history? Nick’s family is sitting miserably in a semi-dark hotel room, all quietly weeping at the thought of Nick attempting to find love again. Does Kaitlyn really want to marry into this freak-fest? Does this family know laughter or joy? Are they the 19 Kids and Counting Family?

"Is your family as excited to meet me as I am to meet them?" "Oh yeah totally!!!" (Photo: ABC)

“Is your family as excited to meet me as I am to meet them?” “Oh yeah totally!!!” (Photo: ABC)

[quiet weeping noises] (Photo: ABC)

[quiet weeping noises] (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to what is truly the most pressing question of this season: Which attractive person is better at contorting their face into bizarre, heretofore unknown configurations? Is it Kaitlyn Bristowe, or Shawn Sister #1???
Everybody wins. (Photo: ABC)

Everybody wins. (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to the new worst way to tell someone you love them: making them, like, 100 percent sure you’re about to break up with them:

"there's something i need to get off my chest before this goes any farther" (Photo: ABC)

“there’s something i need to get off my chest before this goes any farther” (Photo: ABC)

"it's about something that happened back in Texas" (Photo: ABC)

“it’s about something that happened back in Texas” (Photo: ABC)

"i said i was falling in love with you, but that wasn't the truth....." (Photo: ABC)

“i said i was falling in love with you, but that wasn’t the truth…..” (Photo: ABC)

"..... because I'M ACTUALLY STRAIGHT UP IN LOVE WITH YOU!! SURPRISE!!! LOLOLOLOL

“….. because I’M ACTUALLY STRAIGHT UP IN LOVE WITH YOU!! SURPRISE!!! LOLOLOLOL (Photo: ABC)

rose iconNo roses to the previews for next week’s Men Tell All episode, which promises we’ll explore important topics like Ian being a jerk and Scary Jared being an angsty teen, but makes NO MENTION of whether we’ll finally find out what’s growing on the side of Clint’s neck. I DEMAND ANSWERS, CHRIS HARRISON.

‘The Bachelorette’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Episode 10