Bachelor in Paradise is our reward for slogging through weeks of Kaitlyn, Shawn and Nick’s nonsense. Join us, as contestants from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette seasons past stop being polite, and start getting real (drunk and crazy).
No roses to the horrifying scene in which Clare asks a crab who she should take on a date. I know ABC’s trying to play up the whole “LOL CLAIRE TALKS TO ANIMALS” thing, but all I can think about is that I just discovered the one thing more horrifying than my nightly panic over possibly discovering a massive NYC cockroach in my bed:
A rose to anyone in America—I know you’re out there—who can find poor Clare a better dude to date than the crap-tastic gents she’s been dealt thus far.
First there was slut-shamin’ Juan Pablo, he of “Clare, why you force me to have sex with you in ocean” fame. Now there’s Mikey, whose brain is actually just a massive tub of whey powder, and who, on his tantric yoga date with Clare, uttered the barf-inducing words, “My favorite position was ‘Downward Clare.’ Hopefully one day eventually I’ll get to experience that firsthand, instead of all you people.”
A rose to whatever drugs were flowing inside that Mexican ambulance, because Dan and Ashley S. return from the (STILL BASICALLY UNEXPLAINED?!?!) hospital trip with dazed smiles on their faces, eyeballs rolling around in their heads, and completely in love with each other.
Ashley S. gets the date card and immediately invites Dan. “I don’t know if he makes me feel like a woman or a child, but I like it,” Ashley says, her surroundings no doubt spinning and mutating as the night wears on. She and Dan dance and make out. There is a 99 percent chance Ashley S. believes Dan is a bird.
A rose to the last thing Virgin Ashley needs to help express her feelings to Jared: shots. “I’m going to die alone and it’s fine,” she declares, obsessively dumping alcohol down her gizzard until she believes those words untrue.
Finally, Virgin Ashley achieves her goal. She declares it’s time to “claim her stake.”
A rose to the one movie Virgin Ashley is absolutely required to watch after her alcohol-fueled attempt at flirting with Jared by the pool, during which time Jared makes the dreaded “I’m open to everyone here” speech:
No roses to Jared, who’s never been around so many women willing to overlook to hideousness of his facial hair, and is totally letting it go to his head.
“I think you’re amazing. I hope you know that,” Jared says to Virgin Ashley, who promptly gets the wedding tableware vendor on the phone. But, like, six seconds later, Jared tells Clare he’d give her a rose if she didn’t already have one, and that they could totally hang out
outside of school after the rose ceremony.
A rose to the semester’s worth of Women’s Study 101 classes to which I sentence J.J., A.K.A. the dude who celebrated the men having all the power going into this week’s rose ceremony, because tomorrow “life goes back to normal with the women having all the power.” Poor J.J.! As a conventionally attractive Caucasian male, power must be hard to come by!
J.J. uses his fleeting position of power to exercise the swing vote—keeping Tenley around and sending Jillian home. Jonathan picks Juelia, Dan picks Ashley S., Mikey picks Clare, Kirk picks Carly, Tanner picks Jade, and Jared picks Ashley and Lauren, who each count for one half-human.
A rose to the 50,000 boob-dollars Jillian paid to fly to Mexico, lick J.J.’s face, get her butt censored, and fly back home again.
A rose to the biggest tease in any preview of any Bachelor season ever—nay, any season of anything ever: Virgin Ashley declaring to Chris Harrison, “I would like a date which would lead to a Fantasy Suite.”
Bachelor Nation. We could be currently living in a post-Ashley’s-virginity world and not even know it. What a time to be alive!!!