Bachelor in Paradise is our reward for slogging through weeks of Kaitlyn, Shawn and Nick’s nonsense. Join us, as contestants from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette seasons past stop being polite, and start getting real (drunk and crazy).
Oh, so this 80s intro is a permanent thing now? In that case, a rose to the image I will promptly have mounted, framed, and then hang over my bed to greet me each morning until the end of my days on this earth:
No roses to Lauren, the most selfish person on the planet. Lauren. You have a virgin sister who desperate wants to become a not-virgin, and she gets the opportunity to go to a sex island for three weeks, and you decide, completely unsolicited, to accompany her, and then spend the whole time making her care for you as you vigorously weep on a beach seven miles away from all the people with penises. NO ONE EVEN INVITED YOU, GURL.
Lauren vows to go home unless her crush, Josh the Welder, shows up.
The ultimate pity rose to Mikey, who still doesn’t get that Clare isn’t into him, and who hasn’t once touched his stupid little ponytail since she graced his head with the touch of her fingers.
Sweet Jesus, a rose to the 74th reason Lauren should not be on this show: She has a BF back home. To whom she is a self-proclaimed “mistress.” LAUREN, HOW DARE YOU VIOLATE THE SANCTITY OF BACHELOR NATION?!
A rose to newcomer and noted simpleton Josh the Welder, who, until this point, was unaware you could talk to two girls at the same time.
Josh eventually finds his footing and asks Tenley to come on his date. Despite getting J.J.’s rose the night before, she says yes.
A rose to the only reason Lauren’s departure from Paradise is upsetting: not because I’ll miss her, but because it’s unbearably stressful watching someone drag a heavy wheel-y suitcase through moist, thick sand.
A dozen roses to every time J.J. handles the competition with Josh the Welder not by throwing punches, but by dishing out absurdly specific and extremely offensive analogies. Things to which J.J. compares Josh include, but certainly are not limited to, a carp, a blacksmith in a Disney movie, a football player, a blind squirrel, water in California, a clinically insane person who’s been given the U.S. government’s nuclear codes, and a “dude with no arms” with a grenade in his mouth.
A rose to Kentucky Joe for finally getting a hairstyle that doesn’t involve 7 completely-vertical inches of gelled bangs, but no roses to the fact that said haircut turned him into an awkward JERK. Tall-Hair Kentucky Joe sang mariachi songs and charmingly drank moonshine. Short-Hair Joe comes in, sits silently and menacingly on the couch for an hour, and then reminds Clare she’s old and single.
Finally he asks the group who’d like to go on a horseback riding date and—much to Jonathan’s dismay—picks Juelia, the first person who raises her hand.
A rose to Josh the Welder, who thinks Tokyo is in China and who was likely routinely cast as the village idiot in every theater production he ever appeared in, but who has really big welder-y hands and therefore wins Tenley’s heart.
Ummm, a rose to arguably the biggest twist in Bachelor history: that Josh the Welder DOES MOLLY. Is this even real? Is this a P.S.A.? Is Josh actually really serious about theater, and maybe this is some sort of performance art?
Mikey and Dan pass the news along to Tenley, who wonders if she should dump Josh. But Josh later assures Tenley the Molly was just a one-time thing, and she believes him because she’s
old a nice, forgiving person.
No roses to the bone-chillingly terrifying thing Kentucky Joe does with his eyeballs during his one-on-one date with Juelia by the waterfall.
Negative a billion roses to Short-Hair Kentucky Joe, the meanest man in all of Paradise, and also the world. After scoring Juelia’s heart with his flexible eyeballs and seeming enthusiasm about her kid, he reveals to an off-camera producer that he only did it so that Juelia would give him a rose, and he could stick around to meet Sam (the girl who spoke a total of 1.7 words on Farmer Chris’s season). He even says their kiss wasn’t good, and then farts. With wide-open legs. I HATE SHORT-HAIR KENTUCKY JOE.Meanwhile, this guy’s suddenly looking like a pretty good option:
A rose to whatever pricey psychiatrist was summoned last season to save Shawn from complete and utter mental breakdown; I expect ABC will be giving her a ring-a-ding-ding to deal with both Mikey and Virgin Ashley, now that Jared has invited Clare on a one-on-one date.
A rose to Dan, who, now that he’s shacked up with Ashley S., serves no purpose in Paradise except to be the Bachelor equivalent of Varys from Game of Thrones.
And finally, a rose to everyone who just realized this glorious, glorious junk was airing two nights a week instead of one. See you all tomorrow, and may we all someday get real lives.