Bachelor in Paradise is our reward for slogging through weeks of Kaitlyn, Shawn and Nick’s nonsense. Join us, as contestants from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette seasons past stop being polite, and start getting real (drunk and crazy).
A rose to Clare, who I can now confirm has 100 percent moved on from dating Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo, if you’ll recall, slut-shamed Clare after the two of them banged in the ocean in the middle of the night. But valiant Clare has evidently made leaps and bounds. “There’s going to be some major motion in the ocean,” she says as she boards a boat with Scary Jared, proving she is once again open to the idea of ocean-related sex things.
A rose to Clare and Jared for making it through an entire bungee jumping date without uttering the lines “relationships are a lot like bungee jumping,” or “if we can make it through bungee jumping off this random Mexican cliff, we can make it through anything!” Bravo, team. Stick it to the man!
A rose to every dude who was mistakenly intimidated by the arrival of noted smart dude, Michael, who knew the meaning of the Spanish word “cielito.” Little do they know, he also just delivered the following line to the camera: “Her name is Tenley, but to me she’s an eleven-ly.”
Everyone’s super impressed by Intelligent Michael, and Tenley says yes when he invites her on his one-on-one date.
Oh god, no roses to one of the most depressing all-around scenes this episode: rose-hungry Mikey taking Juelia aside to convince her she should hang with him instead of Joe, and ultimately trying—and failing—to kiss her. I honestly don’t know what’s sadder: Meathead Mikey’s pathetic desperation to stay on Sexy Island, or Juelia’s unwavering belief that Mean, Short-Hair Kentucky Joe is actually into her.
A rose to the most confusing occurrence in Paradise since Ashley S.’s completely unexplained hospital trip: Scary Jared’s complete 180° re: his feelings for Clare. One second Jared is flirting with Clare by the campfire and kissing her mid-bungee jump, and the next he’s awkwardly swings his arms, reminding Clare she’s old as f*** but “still looks great,” and dumping her faster than you can say “for the love of god, please shave your face.”
A rose to the 847 mariachi men who serenaded Tenley and Michael on their one-on-one dinner date—a veritable army likely comprised of rejects from Kaitlyn’s Bachelorette season who still haven’t been permitted to take off their group date costumes.
Tenley and Michael have a great date, but that means Tenley—who once was begging any and all animals, vegetables and minerals within a 10-foot radius to be attracted to her—now has to choose between three dudes: Michael, Josh the Welder, and J.J.
Negative 4375320985703498 roses to Short-Hair Kentucky Joe, who honestly might murder every man, woman and child in Paradise, if that’s what it takes to get his hair gel-soaked hands on Samantha. It’s hard to keep track of Joe’s increasingly-terrifying cold and calculated moves, but I tried to catalogue them as best as possible.
Phase 1: Joe and Juelia suck each other’s faces; Joe makes his face-sucking reasons clear.
Phase 2: Oh my god I am actually terrified for the lives of Jonathan and Mikey, whose last living acts might have been to warn Juelia that Joe is a secret madman.
Phase 3: Jonathan apologizes for questioning Joe; Jonathan weeps more tears than Virgin Ashley has wept all season; Joe callously tells him he deserves it.
A rose to the one woman who’d actually make a super great soulmate for Joe:
A rose to the actual reason Virgin Ashley is so unlucky in love; it’s not that she’s a virgin, or that her resting state is “crying,” or that her sister is a literal monster, but that post-makeout sesh, there is a good chance she will look you in the eyes, put on a hokey voice, and proclaim that you did a “good job.”
Wow, no roses to Jade for even more unprecedented judgy-ness..
Sure, Clare’s “none of you guys are actually here for love” spiel came out of nowhere and was suuuper annoying, but it was obviously way more sad than it was offensive; after all, it’s embarrassing to be 34 and fighting with Virgin Ashley over a 28-year-old restaurant manager from Rhode Island who still hasn’t mastered the use of a razor. Of course Clare’s gonna blame her romantic failures on everyone else.
Still, Jade feels the need to remind Clare that no, it’s actually Clare’s fault that Clare is still single. “When you say that the people last season were there for love and we’re not, it just doesn’t sit well with me,” Jade says, casually waving around the magazine cut-out of the gown she’ll wear to wed Tanner on next summer’s Bachelor in Paradise premiere. “I feel like I’m here for love.”
In the end, Carly gives a rose to Moldy Kirk, Jade gives a rose to Tanner, Ashley S. gives a rose to Dan, Tenley gives a rose to Josh and—oh wait, now Clare’s storming out to cry, and turns out this will be continued next week. A rose to ABC for shamelessly drawing out a single episode’s worth of events into LITERALLY 647 HOURS. Are we sure this isn’t on tomorrow night, too?