‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Episode 4

"it's not that i didn't like our date, i just love u so much i didn't want to smother u" (Photo: ABC)

“it’s not that i didn’t like our date, i just love u so much i didn’t want to smother u” (Photo: ABC)

Bachelor in Paradise is our reward for slogging through weeks of Kaitlyn, Shawn and Nick’s nonsense. Join us, as contestants from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette seasons past stop being polite, and start getting real (drunk and crazy).   

rose iconA rose to Clare, who I can now confirm has 100 percent moved on from dating Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo, if you’ll recall, slut-shamed Clare after the two of them banged in the ocean in the middle of the night. But valiant Clare has evidently made leaps and bounds. “There’s going to be some major motion in the ocean,” she says as she boards a boat with Scary Jared, proving she is once again open to the idea of ocean-related sex things.

"hey juan pablo look who's getting the besitos now" (Photo: ABC)

“hey juan pablo look who’s getting the besitos now” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Clare and Jared for making it through an entire bungee jumping date without uttering the lines “relationships are a lot like bungee jumping,” or “if we can make it through bungee jumping off this random Mexican cliff, we can make it through anything!” Bravo, team. Stick it to the man!

"relationships r a lot like bungee jumping, b/c sometimes u and your boyfriend go bungee jumping togethe" (Photo: ABC)

“relationships are a lot like bungee jumping b/c sometimes u and ur boyfriend go bungee jumping together” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to every dude who was mistakenly intimidated by the arrival of noted smart dude, Michael, who knew the meaning of the Spanish word “cielito.” Little do they know, he also just delivered the following line to the camera: “Her name is Tenley, but to me she’s an eleven-ly.”

Everyone’s super impressed by Intelligent Michael, and Tenley says yes when he invites her on his one-on-one date.

"i know ur name's tenley but i'd like to impregnate you eleven-ly times" (Photo: ABC)

“i know ur name’s tenley but i’d like to impregnate you eleven-ly times” (Photo: ABC)

"pls marry me" (Photo: ABC)

“pls marry me” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconOh god, no roses to one of the most depressing all-around scenes this episode: rose-hungry Mikey taking Juelia aside to convince her she should hang with him instead of Joe, and ultimately trying—and failing—to kiss her. I honestly don’t know what’s sadder: Meathead Mikey’s pathetic desperation to stay on Sexy Island, or Juelia’s unwavering belief that Mean, Short-Hair Kentucky Joe is actually into her.

I know this show doesn't have winners, but right now EVERYBODY IS LOSING. (Photo: ABC)

I know this show doesn’t have winners, but right now EVERYBODY IS LOSING. (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to the most confusing occurrence in Paradise since Ashley S.’s completely unexplained hospital trip: Scary Jared’s complete 180° re: his feelings for Clare. One second Jared is flirting with Clare by the campfire and kissing her mid-bungee jump, and the next he’s awkwardly swings his arms, reminding Clare she’s old as f*** but “still looks great,” and dumping her faster than you can say “for the love of god, please shave your face.”

"i hope we can be friends and like maybe i'll cya around sometime" (Photo: ABC)

“i hope we can be friends and like maybe i’ll cya around sometime” (Photo: ABC)

"r u f***cking kidding me" (Photo: ABC)

“go get the talking raccoon again, chris” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to the 847 mariachi men who serenaded Tenley and Michael on their one-on-one dinner date—a veritable army likely comprised of rejects from Kaitlyn’s Bachelorette season who still haven’t been permitted to take off their group date costumes.

"i love u so much" (Photo: ABC)

“i love u so much” (Photo: ABC)

"can we stop now" (Photo: ABC)

“can we pls stop now” (Photo: ABC)

Tenley and Michael have a great date, but that means Tenley—who once was begging any and all animals, vegetables and minerals within a 10-foot radius to be attracted to her—now has to choose between three dudes: Michael, Josh the Welder, and J.J.

rose icon

Negative 4375320985703498 roses to Short-Hair Kentucky Joe, who honestly might murder every man, woman and child in Paradise, if that’s what it takes to get his hair gel-soaked hands on Samantha. It’s hard to keep track of Joe’s increasingly-terrifying cold and calculated moves, but I tried to catalogue them as best as possible.

Phase 1: Joe and Juelia suck each other’s faces; Joe makes his face-sucking reasons clear.

"u and ur daughter r so special to me babe" (Photo: ABC)

“u and ur daughter r so special to me babe, can’t wait for christmas morning 2015!!!” (Photo: ABC)

"JOE WANT ROSE" (Photo: ABC)

“JOE WANT ROSE” (Photo: ABC)

Phase 2: Oh my god I am actually terrified for the lives of Jonathan and Mikey, whose last living acts might have been to warn Juelia that Joe is a secret madman.

"I won't stop until brains come out of his ears" — ACTUAL WORDS SAID BY JOE, RE: PUNCHING JONATHAN'S HEAD (Photo: ABC)

“I won’t stop until brains come out of his ears” — ACTUAL WORDS SAID BY JOE, RE: PUNCHING JONATHAN’S HEAD (Photo: ABC)

Phase 3: Jonathan apologizes for questioning Joe; Jonathan weeps more tears than Virgin Ashley has wept all season; Joe callously tells him he deserves it.

"i am a terrible human being for questioning your intentions, and i shall eternally hate myself" (Photo: ABC)

“i am a terrible human being for questioning your intentions, and i deserve to rot in the fiery pits of hell” (Photo: ABC)

"yeah totes" (Photo: ABC)

“yeah totes” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to the one woman who’d actually make a super great soulmate for Joe:

"BEEP BEEP WELCOME TO MY LOVE STORY BEEEEEEEEEEEP" (Photo: ABC)

“BEEP BEEP WELCOME TO MY LOVE STORY BEEEEEEEEEEEP” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to the actual reason Virgin Ashley is so unlucky in love; it’s not that she’s a virgin, or that her resting state is “crying,” or that her sister is a literal monster, but that post-makeout sesh, there is a good chance she will look you in the eyes, put on a hokey voice, and proclaim that you did a “good job.”

"excellent work, young squire" (Photo: ABC)

“excellent work, young squire” (Photo: ABC)

"dear god what have i done" (Photo: ABC)

“dear god what have i done” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconWow, no roses to Jade for even more unprecedented judgy-ness..

Sure, Clare’s “none of you guys are actually here for love” spiel came out of nowhere and was suuuper annoying, but it was obviously way more sad than it was offensive; after all, it’s embarrassing to be 34 and fighting with Virgin Ashley over a 28-year-old restaurant manager from Rhode Island who still hasn’t mastered the use of a razor. Of course Clare’s gonna blame her romantic failures on everyone else.

Still, Jade feels the need to remind Clare that no, it’s actually Clare’s fault that Clare is still single. “When you say that the people last season were there for love and we’re not, it just doesn’t sit well with me,” Jade says, casually waving around the magazine cut-out of the gown she’ll wear to wed Tanner on next summer’s Bachelor in Paradise premiere. “I feel like I’m here for love.”

"i can't find love b/c none of u r taking this srsly" (Photo: ABC)

“i can’t find love b/c none of u r taking this srsly” (Photo: ABC)

"lololol no actually it's b/c ur old" (Photo: ABC)

“lololol no actually it’s b/c ur old” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconIn the end, Carly gives a rose to Moldy Kirk, Jade gives a rose to Tanner, Ashley S. gives a rose to Dan, Tenley gives a rose to Josh and—oh wait, now Clare’s storming out to cry, and turns out this will be continued next week. A rose to ABC for shamelessly drawing out a single episode’s worth of events into LITERALLY 647 HOURS. Are we sure this isn’t on tomorrow night, too?

‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Episode 4