Bachelor in Paradise is our reward for slogging through weeks of Kaitlyn, Shawn and Nick’s nonsense. Join us, as contestants from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette seasons past stop being polite, and start getting real (drunk and crazy).
Oh god, no roses to the Tragedy of Juelia reading deeper levels of tragic-ness than ever was imaginable.
When the episode starts, widowed single mother and all-around nice gal Juelia pulls Samantha aside to protect her from getting hurt by Kentucky Joe. Sadly, she’s completely unaware of two things: not just that Joe wanted Sam all along, but also that Sam supposedly instructed Joe to “do whatever it takes” to stay in Paradise until she got there, including, but not limited to, crushing Juelia’s fragile, fragile heart into a pulp.
A rose to the 0.000003 percent chance that Amber had ever heard Dan’s name before three days ago, when Chris Harrison frantically mailed her a package containing Dan’s glossy photo and instructions to develop a crush on him immediately, or be forced to bunk with Jorge the bartender for the entire duration of her time in Mexico.
In a move straight from the reality TV Bible, Amber arrives in Paradise and invites Dan, the boyfriend of her BFF, Ashley S., on a one-on-one date.
A rose to Ashley S. for unashamedly tearing into wittle baby Dan about his aversion to being honest about his feelings. “You’re such a man, but you couldn’t be a man with me,” she says.
Unfortunately for Ashley S., Dan finally makes his feelings for her clear when he accepts Amber’s date invitation.
A rose to what sounds like a the start of a beautiful, egalitarian relationship between J.J. and Megan, built on mutual respect and admiration.
“Even though we’re different intellectually,” J.J. says of Megan, “every time I look at her, I think she’s gorgeous.”
No roses to the most depressing corner of Paradise—nay, of the entire world:
A rose to the 7,000 Mariachi men from Tenley and Michael’s date, who have now been ordered to dress as “villagers” and obnoxiously chant at Dan and Amber until they kiss. Do you think these people get paid for their work? And if so, is it in real money, or in signed copies of The Perfect Letter?
Amber and Dan have a great time on their date, and make out a TON. Back at the hotel, a bird poops on Ashley S.’s hand.
A rose to visiting the parakeet sanctuary, chilling with Jorge the bartender, and all the other fun things Tanner, J.J., and Ye Olde Wise Man Jared could do instead of discussing, for the zillionth time, how sleazy Joe’s behavior is. “He’s the villain of the vills,” J.J. says sagely.
On second thought, perhaps Jared is devoting such an inexplicable amount of time to defending Juelia’s honor because it’s better than getting his face vacuumed by Virgin Ashley’s lips.
No roses to the bros’ argument that in convincing Juelia to give him a rose, Kentucky Joe prevented Juelia from finding love. Let’s take a step back and consider who Juelia’s other main options were: Jonathan, the guy who openly expressed his excitement at banging Virgin Ashley and her sister at the same time, and Mikey, the guy who is quite possibly half-man, half-kettlebell. So let’s not all act like Juelia missed out on marrying, like, Prince William.
A thousand roses to J.J. if, instead of punching out Kentucky Joe’s teeth so that he looks like the “hillbilly he is,” he punches me in the brain and knocks me out so that I never have to hear anyone argue about the Joe-Juelia-Sam drama ever again.
Will J.J. actually throw a punch? Will there ever come an episode of Bachelor in Paradise when we don’t have to talk about Joe? Are Tenley, Josh the Welder, and Virgin Ashley even still on this show? Only next week’s episodes will tell.