‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Episode 9

"it's weird how we're on a date and actually eating food" (Photo: ABC)

“it’s weird how we’re on a date and actually eating food” (Photo: ABC)

Bachelor in Paradise is our reward for slogging through weeks of Kaitlyn, Shawn and Nick’s nonsense. Join us, as contestants from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette seasons past stop being polite, and start getting real (drunk and crazy).   

rose iconA rose to Robo-Sam, the state-of-the-art robot prototype designed by ABC’s elite team of scientists, deposited onto this Mexican beach to measure the exact levels of malleability and straight-up dumbness possessed by the network’s Bachelor in Paradise contestants.

At the start of the episode, Kentucky Joe is pissed that Sam suddenly went cold on him. He rants to the camera about her “dumb” and “immature” behavior—until, that is, she pulls him aside to inform him she’d be turning down Justin’s date invitation.

"i hate sam so much, i've been miserably staring out at this ocean for the past 4 hours" (Photo: ABC)

“i hate sam so much, i’ve been miserably staring out at this ocean for the past four hours” (Photo: ABC)

"initiating idiot sequence level 1, beep beeeeeeeep" (Photo: ABC)

“initiating idiot sequence code yellow, beeeeeeeep” (Photo: ABC)

"let us now get married" (Photo: ABC)

“let us now get married, samantha” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to the hottest thing on Amber and Justin’s salsa-dancing date, and no, I’m not talking about Amber making out with Justin, just to make Dan—who hasn’t been as into her as usual—jealous.

I’m talking, of course, about the horrific sunburn currently canvassing Justin’s entire torso. Seriously. You want to know why Justin’s feet are twitching around, so out of rhythm? It’s because his skin is literally hotter than the surface of the sun.

"pls try not to let your hand touch my chest, thx" (Photo: ABC)

“pls try not to let your hand touch my chest, thx” (Photo: ABC)

"i'm smiling because the water makes my incinerated upper body feel a little bit better" (Photo: ABC)

“i’m smiling because the water makes my incinerated upper body feel a little bit better” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to every parallel between new arrival Chris Bukowski and The Hunger Games‘ Haymitch Abernathy, i.e. the sloppy old drunk dude who’s been through this ordeal so many times before, the only way to cope is to drown his world-weariness in ungodly amounts of liquor.

"which lover-ly ladies wanna date Uncle Chris???" (Photo: ABC)

“so who wants to go on a date, lAyDiEz???!!!!!????!!!!!!!!” (Photo: ABC)

"Soooooo is either of you luverly ladies interested in a date" (Photo: IMDb)

“literally nobody is interested, chris” (Photo: IMDb)

rose iconA rose to Robo-Sam’s next assignment: Dan.

When Dan breaks up with Amber, he’s totes cool with the possibility of not getting a rose and leaving Paradise. He’s probably even looking forward to heading home and going on dates that don’t involve crowds of local Mexicans yelling at him to kiss people.

Until all of a sudden, something changes.

"so i'm probz just gonna head home now, byeeee!! #leavingonajetplane #LetsStayFriends (Photo: ABC)

“so i’m probz just gonna head home now, byeeee!! #leavingonajetplane #LetsStayFriends (Photo: ABC)

"JUST KIDDING, I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED SAM. MUST DESTROY JOE AND CLAIM SAM FOR SELF." (Photo: ABC)

“JUST KIDDING, I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED SAM. MUST DESTROY JOE AND CLAIM SAM FOR SELF.” (Photo: ABC)

Dan spends the rest of the episode trying to convince Sam that Joe will be the kind of boyfriend whose brain will explode each and every time she accidentally lets her phone run out of battery. Which, tbh, probably isn’t far from the truth.

rose iconA rose to anyone in Mexico with information about Chris Bukowski’s whereabouts. He has not been seen since relinquishing his date card to Josh the Welder, and then stumbling off into the dark jungle surrounded by a weird array of ABC special effects.

Should anyone think they might have spotted him, please be advised that Chris answers to the name of “Chris,” or to any invitations to appear on future Bachelor spin-off shows.

People of Mexico: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN??? (Photo: ABC)

PEOPLE OF MEXICO: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN??? (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to all the other people who, like me, didn’t sleep last night out of fear that this creature from Josh and Tenley’s one-on-one date might suddenly pop out of their closets:

"HELLO CHILDREN LET US BE FRIENDS" (Photo: ABC)

“HELLO CHILDREN LET US BE FRIENDS” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to that time resident simpleton Josh the Welder tried foods besides PB&J and string cheese for the first time.

"What is this fruit? Josh like this fruit!" (Photo: ABC)

“Me, Josh, like this strange Mexico fruit” (Photo: ABC)

"it's an apple, honey." (Photo: ABC)

“it’s an apple, honey.” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to Josh and Tenley’s reaction to dinner at Chef Francisco Ruano™’s restaurant, which was completely organic and in no way a staged marketing ploy of any kind.

"I'm so happy we got to eat at Chef Francisco Ruano's restaurant and eat this amazing food prepared by Chef Francisco Ruano" (Photo: ABC)

“I’m so happy we got to eat at Chef Francisco Ruano’s restaurant and eat this amazing food prepared by Chef Francisco Ruano” (Photo: ABC)

"I WILL SACRIFICE ANY AND ALL OF MY FUTURE CHILDREN FOR ANOTHER BITE OF CHEF FRANCISCO RUANO'S FOOD" (Photo: ABC)

“I WILL SACRIFICE ANY AND ALL OF MY FUTURE CHILDREN FOR ANOTHER BITE OF CHEF FRANCISCO RUANO’S FOOD” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconOkay, I take back the rose I gave Justin last week for having a better haircut than the one he sported on The Bachelorette. It must have been dark. I wasn’t seeing things properly. I now see that Justin’s hair is still beyond awful—perhaps more awful than it’s ever been before.

"i pushed it back, did a center part, and made it really, really shiny all at once!!!" (Photo: ABC)

“i pushed it back, did a center part, and made it really, really shiny all at once!!!” (Photo: ABC)

I don’t really remember what Justin was saying here, because I couldn’t stop looking at his terrible head foliage.

rose iconNo roses to Virgin Ashley for using the worst possible strategy to make Jared wanting to interact with her sexually: reminding him, via a 94-page letter, that he still hasn’t met her “Kardashley” persona.

Gurl, if Jared doesn't like you now, meeting Kardashley ain't gonna help. (Photo: ABC)

Gurl, if Jared doesn’t like you now, meeting ‘Kardashley’ ain’t gonna help. (Photo: ABC)

As if Virgin Ashley’s chances with Jared weren’t bad enough already, Amber announces she’s also into Jared— especially now that she’s been dumped by Dan, and isn’t so interested in banging crispy, sunburnt Justin.

"but i just wanna use my vaginaaaaa" (Photo: ABC)

“but i just wanna use my vaginaaaaa” (Photo: ABC)

rose iconAgain, no roses to these dumb, anti-climactic middle-of-the-episode Rose Ceremonies. But here goes: Carly picks Kirk, Jade picks Tanner, Tenley picks Josh, Juelia picks Mikey, Ashley S., still in a tequila-induced stupor from her last one-on-one date, picks Nick.

Virgin Ashley, who still hasn’t cancelled with the wedding caterers, picks Jared; Amber, who can’t pick Jared anymore, gives a rose to Justin so he can stay and “explore.”

rose iconA rose to the ABC robot operator who finally got to fulfill his lifelong dream of cranking the big, cartoon-y lever on Robo-Sam’s control panel up to Full Throttle, sitting back, and watching heretofore-uknown levels of male dumbness and brainwash-ability play out.

When it’s Sam’s turn to give out her rose, she chooses Dan over Joe, thereby sending Joe home.

"Dan will u accept this rose" (Photo: ABC)

“Dan will u accept this rose” (Photo: ABC)

"F*** me" (Photo: ABC)

“F*** me” (Photo: ABC)

"LET US BE TOGETHER UNTIL THE DAY WE DIE" (Photo: ABC)

“LET US BE TOGETHER UNTIL THE DAY WE DIE” (Photo: ABC)

After the Rose Ceremony, when the entire cast turns on Sam, Dan confirms his brainwashed status by assuring a crying Sam that she’s “a really good person” who “fell into a really bad situation.”

rose iconA rose to the entire Rose Ceremony running its course without a single mention of Chris Bukowski.

Goodbye, Chris. (Photo: ABC)

We hardly knew ye. (Photo: ABC)

rose iconA rose to the valiant Carly, our hero in the epic forthcoming war between humankind (Bachelor in Paradise contestants) and robots (Sam).

Carly takes new arrival Chelsea aside and—after reminding her she’s totes dating Kirk so don’t you dare f***ing touch him, biatch—suggests she invite Dan on her one-on-one date.

Behold, the human race's last hope. (Photo: ABC)

Behold, the human race’s last hope. (Photo: ABC)

‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Morning-After Rose Ceremony: Episode 9