‘American Horror Story Hotel’ Latecap 5×06: ‘Vampires Are People, Too’

Ramona Royale gets vampy on American Horror Story. (FX)

Ramona Royale gets vampy on American Horror Story. (FX)

Woo, I’m really earning my title for this latecap. Sorry, AMFSNYAPCTNLAHS fans! Much like Alex, I spent the majority of last week in the hospital. Unlike Alex, I didn’t manage to turn any children into ADHD-addled monsters, though I definitely DID see a guy pull out his IV and then going running down the hallway with blood spurting from his arm until the orderlies called Environmental Services. So basically, I was living in my own American Horror Story, better known as New York Presbyterian, Lower Manhattan. (Ryan Murphy, call me!)

Also because of the aforementioned hospital visit, I was a little loopy when I watched this week’s episode. So you can play the fun game of “Which of these things happened on Hotel last night, and which did Drew make up in a morphine haze.” Seriously, there are no wrong answers…mainly because I’m too drained (pun INTENDED, good sir!) to scroll through a bunch of recaps for fact-checking purposes.

1) Tristan and Elizabeth Taylor fell in love, apparently off-screen. They are totally devoted to each other now, which makes absolutely no sense unless I missed something MAJOR. Did Tristan get a personality transplant? Is he possessed by the spirit of James March, who, while still evil, is at least a delightfully progressive and nurturing character who likes to coach weirdos into being the best serial killers they can be? UNCLEAR. All we know is that Tristan is bisexual and Liz Taylor, as a transgendered woman, is “straight.” So, I guess, sure, they might conceivably fall into bed together at some point, considering that the Hotel Cortez is basically Real World: Immortal. Eventually everyone is going to hook up.

2) John Lowe, in true Real World style, got it on a threesome with the Eastern European dead girls, because they wanted to be their best ghost selves or something. They bled all over John Lowe, which is mad unhygienic, but they were only doing some soul-searching (pun intended again!) to try to find their way out of the hotel. Also, March runs into Lowe again, and they trade some banter about god knows what. Whatever it is, it’s becoming pretty clear that the show wants us to think John Lowe committed the Bible murders and just hasn’t realized it yet.

3) We learn that the Countess once went to Murder House from season 1 to get an old-timey abortion from Dr. Montgomery. Was she a vampire yet back then? Unclear! But the baby is alive, first trimester-style, but deformed. Clearly this is because Dr. Montgomery was literally the worst doctor in the world. He couldn’t even do an abortion without fucking it up and delivering the kid, even though celebrity abortions were apparently his M.O.? Damn, Montgomery. Just to be clear, this is what Montgomery’s own, non-aborted kid looked like:

849d0e60-6489-0133-0c1a-0e34a4cc753d

Great job!

4) The Countess, despite seeming totally chill about this kind of thing, murders Tristan in front of Liz Taylor, either because of the betrayal or because she’s a stone-cold bitch. It’s actually a testament to Lady Gaga’s acting (something I’d never thought I’d say, tbh) that she doesn’t go full diva in this scene like Jessica Lange would have. Instead she plays it quiet, introspective, and most hauntingly, with a sad kind of compassion. Then she goes to check on her deformed child, Bartholomew, before going off to Paris with her new gay husband, Will Drake.

5) An extended sequence where I am arrested in Target after an employee flushes my backpack down the toilet. My mother is the arresting officer.

6) John swings by his house to see if he can’t shake that pesky last kid of his. Turns out Bartholomew (great name for a cat, btw) is in Lowe’s luggage, and when he gets himself free, Lowe freaks out. He discharges his gun in his ex-wife’s house in the presence of his young daughter, and then….I don’t remember what happens. The cops show up (ostensibly)? Lowe manages to slur through the sloe gin in order to avoid an arrest?

7) Alex returns home and is immediately visited by child services, who have finally gotten the hot tip about the Lowe’s being the worst. Then Bartholomew (if he was my cat, I’d call him “Mr. Batholomeow!) eats the social service worker(s?) and Alex finds him hanging out in the shrubbery, where she brings him back to the Countess at Cortez. She’s either rewarded or not; the Countess is relieved because unlike her other stolen babies, she like, really loves this one.

8) Ramona Royale and Matt Bomer have some sort of altercation and now it’s the black security officer from season one who is arresting me for having illegal contraband in my backpack. He calls up my best friend from high school and tells her we’re going to need to have an intervention for me, but I’m on speakerphone. Also, we are at a Wendy’s drive-thru, about to order, so like, the entire Wendy’s staff hears about my drama. It’s supes embarrassing.

9) The end.

So I guess I only have a couple questions here: the vampire virus doesn’t make you immortal, because you can still be killed by normal means, right? Like Tristan got his throat slashed and Royale’s boyfriend was dispatched in a similar way. So basically, the vampire gene is going to be the new Botox and will be used mostly for cosmetic purposes.

But also: was there any mention of those vampire kids who terrorized the school on Halloween? Is the vampire gene spreading out? How do the kids know how to spread it (by drinking each other’s blood) instead of just slashing their classmates’ necks wide open?

Do we care about John Lowe at all? What about whatever Matt Bomer’s character’s name is? Do we care about him? I’m kind of interested in seeing how Iris, Royale and the now-enraged Liz Taylor will team up to take down the Cortez gang, but not as interested as I am in say, the rivalry between the Gerhardts and Kansas City in Fargo.

Who is even left in the Hotel Cortez to fight for it, besides the foppishly ineffectual Will Drake, The Countess, and presumably March, if and when he decides to involve himself in the dealings of vampires?

Can ghosts kill vampires?

Can ghosts kill people who have the vampire gene?

Can ghosts kill anyone?

And so on…

‘American Horror Story Hotel’ Latecap 5×06: ‘Vampires Are People, Too’