I’ve finally figured out what bothers me so much about Scream Queens: there are no rules. In AHS (at least, in Murder House), there were a set of rules that the universe abided by. The dead could rise on Halloween. You couldn’t leave the property on which you died. Extramarital affairs with a student end badly. These are the rules by which season one of American Horror Story lived and breathed.
Scream Queens doesn’t have structure. It’s a show gone rogue. “Ghost Stories” is kind of a mess. It’s convoluted, not funny, and frankly doesn’t even make sense. But that’s okay! I’m going to honor the attempt.
Boone’s reappearance causes quite a stir among KKT and his fraternity brothers. Chanel #3 recognizes him as he begins to feel more comfortable roaming the campus (disguised as Joaquin Phoenix working on a new experimental piece, of course) and she immediately assumes he is a ghost. Boone, relieved to have an excuse as to why he is alive, follows along. Boone convinces Chad that he’s returned from the dead as a ghost in order to take Zayday out on a date, claiming that if he sleeps with her he’ll be returned to the living world. According to Boone, that’s where the phrase, “once you go black, you never go back,” came from. I will spend the rest of this recap trying to determine whether or not that was racist.
Boone asks Zayday out, but she is immediately skeptical of his excuse (the whole, “I’m a ghost!” thing is pretty flimsy). She notices a wound on his hand, one that she assumes was caused by when she stabbed the Red Devil in the hand—that’s right, Boone is the Red Devil (which we, you know, already knew), and Zayday’s finally cracked the case!
Save for the fact that there are two Red Devils. Boone, furious at his lost love (although surprisingly not angry at being caught) kills Zayday’s boyfriend, and then storms off to plot his murder of Gigi. Which, as it turns out, doesn’t go so swimmingly. Boone gives us a very expositional speech—essentially, he and his Red Devil counterpart are the bathtub twins, there to seek revenge for the death of their mother. Boone explains that he pretended to be gay (why that was even remotely necessary, I’m not sure. Like, not even a little bit), faked his death, and went on a homicidal rampage, all in an attempt to avenge his mother. Then, his twin (still dressed in a Red Devil costume), kills Boone, as a means of reassuring Gigi that she is very much still seeking revenge. As I maintain, this episode is full of inconsistences.
In a much, much more annoying plotline, Hester is furious when Chanel announces that Chad has invited her to his Hamptons house for dinner—a sure sign of an engagement in the near future. Hester retaliates by announcing that she is pregnant with Chad’s baby, and Chad immediately decides to take Hester over Chanel. The Chanels feed Hester sushi, unpasteurized cheese, and wine in an attempt to show that she’s not in fact pregnant. When Hester explains that she’s not pregnant, but she will be after the weekend (ew). Chanel chases after her to apologize, but then ends up pushing Hester down the stairs and killing her. Don’t you hate when that happens?
So here we are. Three episodes left. What will happen? Who else will be a ghost? Will Hester’s back brace fix her broken neck? So many questions. So little time.