‘The Affair’ Recap 2×06: The One Where a Kid Almost Dies From a Perforated Bowel

Noah Solloway

The creepiest welcome home party ever on The Affair. (photo: Showtime)

Intro: Fiona Apple song about echoing creation blah blah sink back into the…sink back into…sink back into the oceannnnnn. FADE OUT, TITLE CARD:

Part One: Drew

I’m calling it: there are officially no more “theories” allowed on The Affair. It’s all inadmissible evidence, anyway. As Vinnie pointed out last week, it’s hard to know what genre of television we’re watching here. Like, we thought murder mystery at first, for sure. Then it became a parody of a Philip Roth novel, as evidenced by Noah’s corny-ass bestseller, which boasts such gems as : “She WAS sex,” and “No marriage could survive her,” and then something that involves thinking about Ruth Wilson’s tongue for too long.  Then it stopped being a parody of a Philip Roth story and just became a sincere Rothian meditation on crazy ladies (Why are they so crazy?) and their mothers (Oh, that’s why.)

Vinnie owes me a Coke because I totally said “impacted bowels” weeks ago. Or appendicitis, but that was close enough. Poor Martin! And poor Noah: it turns out neither woman is a good enough mother to protect their children from the brink of death over a highly treatable condition. Noah is like “Come on, this is obviously your mother’s fault,” and Helen feels bad enough/over it enough to grant Noah his part-time custody. And also, she demands her mother leave her house. Good for you, Helen: I mean, sometimes it’s kind of hard to tell if you’re really this good-hearted, or have some Gone Girl plot waiting in the background just in case you need a clean break.

Luckily, Noah’s part doesn’t redo all those scenes from his POV–taking Martin to the hospital, smashing too many hot dogs into his mouth, waiting in line for a doctor’s assistance–but skip to the six weeks of almost domestic bliss at the Solloway estate. With Mitch coming home, Noah’s days playing pretend daddy are at an end…until Helen decides he can borrow her house for the next week. There is no way she is not framing him for murder.

Helen finds out her parents are getting a divorce, but she kicks her mom out anyway. But you know that phrase “every action must have an equal opposite reaction?” That term was made up to describe the in-law situation on The Affair. Because when Noah finally (finally!) tracks Alison down to some hippy commune, he finds her cohabitating with reiki witch of a mother, Athena Bailey. That lady’s faux-empathetic “healer” deal makes me really long for a standoff between her and Margarot. Alison is pretty good now that she’s read Noah’s book and has apparently gone insane. And she’s pregnant! Welp, guess there’s another wedding in the future! Hopefully not the same one that kills Scotty Lockhart. Oh who am I kidding, I don’t really care.

I know I said no more theories, okay? But I have a new one : The Affair is a long PSA about getting a divorce. It’s being underfunded by Alec Baldwin, right? Did I get it right??

Part Two: Vinnie

Drew says no more The Affair theories, so here is a really long list of theories I have about The Affair, in the order of when I came up with them as season 2, episode 6 progressed:

– Oh my God, parts of this show’s ever-changing narrative are totally excerpts from Noah’s manuscript. I know I’ve said this. Many times. At last count, about four of our Affair recaps since season one have revolved around the idea that the multiple viewpoint aspect of this show wasn’t because of memory, but because half an episode was real-life, the other half Noah’s repeated attempts to get 50 Shades of Montauk juuuuust right. And I’ll KEEP saying it, because The Affair keeps giving me awkwardly stilted and on-the-nose dialogue to back it up. “Characters have a life of their own!” Noah shouts at Alison. “I’m the asshole in the book! The stories not even about you, it’s about me!”

I mean…come on, right? A lot of people are going to be like “This isn’t that type of show. It’s a nuanced character drama, not Lost.” Well, fuck that. The Affair IS Lost with a larger thesaurus. Now, I don’t know exactly what to make of the fact that the original, mindblowing ending Noah’s editor wanted Noah to include is Book-Noah running down Book-Alison with his car. I mean, I know a writer who spent a day on a whaling boat because he was writing about whales. If you’re going to write about running over a Montauk resident with your car….

– Alison has to be pregnant with Cole’s baby, right? I am…very confused with the timeline of this show, but Alison and Cole’s one-night(?)-stand in last week’s episode happened weeks before Noah came to rescue Alison from the weird hippy cult, right? I don’t know, maybe I’m just distracted by what had to be the most unpleasant sex scene featuring a tree since The Evil Dead (Google that, if you don’t get it. Or…actually don’t).

Theory that I crossed out in my notes: “Perforated Bowel? Is Martin sticking things up his butt?” I…don’t really know how the human body works.

The Affair really wanted Robert Downey Jr to play the doctor that operated on Martin, but could only afford this guy.

Dr. Downey Jr

So, with all that information, here’s what’s happening in present day Affair-land: Cole crashed Noah and Alison’s oh-shit-we-got-a-baby wedding, knowing full well the child is his. Leaving in a drunken rage, he kills Scotty with his car. Noah is innocent, but because everything in his novel actually happened, Detective Whatshisnuts assumes the ending – Book-Noah committing vehicular homicide –  is factual as well. Which wouldn’t exactly hold up in court if the entire town of Montauk didn’t hate Noah so much, which justifies having the affair part of The Affair at all. Helen, who we see come to some sort of peace with Noah and Alison this episode, is actually at or around the wedding, knows Noah is innocent despite owning the guiltiest face ever, and wants to get him off.

Now on to the next mystery: What the hell happened to the Bisquick? That little shit Trevor knows more than he’s letting on.

trevor

“I knew a girl once, and then she died.”

‘The Affair’ Recap 2×06: The One Where a Kid Almost Dies From a Perforated Bowel