‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ Recap 11×9: The Horse Playground of Hidden Hills

It’s dark days in Calabasas as the Kardashians take on cancer, mental health, and more hoverboards.

Keeping up with the Kardashians. (photo: E!)

It’s dark days in Calabasas as the Kardashians take on cancer, mental health, and more hoverboards.

But first we hear an original poem by Kylie Jenner, read lovingly by Kris in North’s walk-in closet. “I am from the horse playground of Hidden Hills.” I am glad we are working through her identity like I requested last week.

Kylie and Caitlyn bond at a photoshoot for Kylie’s lip kit that I need. They can finally talk spray tans and Snapchat, excited to have things in common.

Kris wants the family to get DNA tests to check their risk for cancer. And obviously the best place to draw blood for this is at their upcoming photo shoot. Even if, tragically as Kim pointed out, they would then have band-aids on during the shoot.

I don’t understand why this can’t happen any other time. Kris says it’s rare that the family is all together but I’m pretty sure there’s a scene with all of them in every episode. Nobu would be a more ideal setting to get your blood drawn than the middle of a photoshoot centered around a very loose interpretation of “goth.”

Apparently He-who-must-not-be-named isn’t included in this important family medical issue, I guess because his soul is broken into seven pieces to achieve immortality anyway.

 Khloe is skeptical. She’s busy! She’s as uncomfortable as I am with this plotline.

Now to Caitlyn, Kylie, and Kendall. Kylie says something about Caitlyn having gas and being on E, but I guess it’s just shop talk about their cars? I don’t know, I’m not a mechanic.

Kendall worries that her relationship with Caitlyn doesn’t feel the same as it did before her transition. I feel for Kendall and start to ponder the emotional conflicts one might face when trying to both celebrate and adjust to this huge change…

I’m thinking too much and need focus up on what’s important: Kourtney’s nude photo shoot. For a fine art gallery. I think the photographer himself said it best with, “the whole vibe of the shoot, other than being nude, is if you’re not blown away by the pictures, we’re not doing it right.” I love an artist with a clear and specific vision.

“Did you look up that I app I told you?” inquires Kris.

“No.” replies Khloe.

These are the only words exchanged regarding any apps all episode. I am shocked, delighted, and a little worried. Are they okay?

Before my concern can settle in, we’re back to talking about cancer (and Khloe’s great ice bucket). Khloe doesn’t want this DNA test. She saw her dad suffer more after being diagnosed with cancer and wants to live her life without fear. I respect this. This kind of test can be helpful for some and not others. Kris doesn’t agree.

Luckily, we cut to Jonathan Cheban and keep the vibe tepid. I don’t enjoy this vibe as much as Kourtney’s photoshoot vibe. They put his name next to his face on screen like he isn’t forced upon us every single week.

Chobani yogurt asks Kim what is going to happen to North once the new baby is born and Kim says, “She’s North West, she’ll be fine.” I love Kim. She hates baby Reign’s shirt and isn’t afraid to say it to his face.

Corey refers to Kris’s mom as, “MJ The Great” because Corey is a God among men that the world of the Kardashians, and the world in general don’t deserve.

Finally, the family goes to San Diego to find out the results to these DNA tests. Oh and I guess Khloe changed her mind.

Well, one thing’s for sure: these ladies are in great hands for this serious medical matter. Famed plastic surgeon/apparent oncologist Paul Nassif takes a break from his busy schedule hosting “Botched” and sending Adrienne Maloof alimony to conduct these cutting-edge tests.

All the tests come up negative! Which is great news, especially because it means the kids aren’t at a higher risk for cancer. I’m happy for them and glad this won’t be a looming plotline throughout the rest of the season. Let’s keep it light, people!

Here we go, Caitlyn and Kendall talked through Kendall’s concerns! Now they’re riding hoverboards! Hooray! I love a nice, breezy ending to my weekly Kardashian fix.

Just kidding, things are terrible again. Scott calls, crying, obviously dealing with some serious mental health issues. Say what you will about these people, but they all leap to support Scott and make sure he is safe. I love them truly. I hope Scott can get the help he needs. Kim put it best when she said, “that made me sad.”

Things were heavy this week. I’m worried about the future, and that’s before I even think He-who-must-not-be-named and his army of designer socks.

‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ Recap 11×9: The Horse Playground of Hidden Hills