‘Real Housewives of Potomac’ Episode 2 Recap: ‘Divas, Queens and Bubalas’

Are both of these Housewives "real?" (Bravo)

Are both of these Housewives “real?” (Bravo)

First thing’s first, during the opening credits there’s an imposter in our midsts! And by imposter, I mean a new housewife named Ashley. Her tagline decidedly slides into last place with, “Throw this spring chicken into the cougar’s den and let the games begin.” I understand why she was relegated to the second episode.

We open right where we left off. Crabs. Boils. Passive aggressive printouts by the pool. Gizelle checks herself in the mirrored frame like the blunt-banged diva we already know her to be. Karen storms out. Giselle’s behavior is shocking, apparently.

Charisse then piles on. She too is shocked! Shocked that Gizelle would dare allow her hairdresser, aka “The Help” (in theaters August 2011), to even think about going to the second floor of her house. Shocked. Utterly shocked.

The good news is, people finally eat some crab at this party. I was ready to walk out. Katie brags to her children that she ate five whole crab legs! Once again, Katie makes me sad, because that does not seem like a lot of crab to me, at all.

Gizelle is completely over Karen and Charisse, as are all of us. She drops more pop culture references to describe these women than an episode of “Gilmore Girls.” Diane Von Furstenberg. Josephine Baker. Lady Eloise. She and her hairdresser exit, but not before Karen announces that she “needs security” to absolutely no one, because we’re at a half-assed backyard crab boil right now.

We then transition back to Katie. You hear a baby crying over her peppy transition screen. I feel the same way. Katie reveals that she is “not just biracial, but Jewish,” and much like the rest of the ladies on the show, I think, “Okay,” and move on.

I continue to be appalled at these kitchen countertops. Maybe Kris Jenner should donate some of the marble slabs she stole from Kim on this week’s “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” to the ladies of this show. Just a thought.

We met Karen’s Aunt Dot, who seems to be the one who taught Karen everything she needs to know about etiquette. I’m still not sure what etiquette really is here, because so far everything done in the name of etiquette seems really rude to me. But I’m a pleb, what do I know? I think this show wants me to be interested in Aunt Dot, but I’m Aunt Not. More Gizelle, please!

That new girl who definitely eats lunch by herself in the bathroom, Ashley, throws a “Sip with Socialites” party. I am very interested in sipping with socialites. I’m also very interested in what this party was, which was less sipping with socialites, more watching Ashley’s much older husband get hammered. Ashley declares that wants a Gemini baby (or Leo, whatever). I happily volunteer as tribute. I would love to be parented by a drunk guy my dad’s age and his wife who is two years older than me. I will be your Gemini baby.

Gizelle has zero tolerance for Ashley while Katie seems pretty interested in becoming her friend. That’s all you need to know about Ashley.

Charisse’s marriage is still working, she swears! Her husband lives in New Jersey and she never sees him, but they’re totally fine. Flashes of Season One “Beverly Hills” Camille Grammer dance in my head. Which means I fully expect Charisse to host a dinner party featuring Allison Dubois. Pretty please?

Gizelle imparts her diva wisdom upon her children, Grace, Angel, and Adore, obviously, and I take notes. I’d hire Gizelle as a life coach. She writes Karen and Charisse letters of apology for doing absolutely nothing wrong. Why make this move, you ask? Let’s say it together, Grace, Angel, and Adore! “Always be nice to enemies.”

Katie has a Jewish naming ceremony for her kids. That’s nice. Let’s move on.

Karen and Charisse invite Gizelle to a restaurant with Cheesecake Factory stylings, with the intent to continue to confront her about bringing her hairstylist to the backyard crab boil that didn’t even have any hors d’oeuvres, even after she sent letters of apology, because etiquette.

“Who brings a hair stylist to a crab boil?” Literally everyone, Charisse. Karen wants to know if Gizelle ran a background check on him. I want to know if Charisse ran a background check on her husband who lives in New Jersey. Wow, that was very catty of me. I’d like to thank Gizelle for her inspiration and influence. Lady Eloise.

I think Robyn was also in this episode. Maybe? I need to know more about her shacking up with her ex-husband, stat.

Regardless, Potomac has everything. Fabricated drama, lots of hair and wardrobe changes, people I love, and people I love to hate.

‘Real Housewives of Potomac’ Episode 2 Recap: ‘Divas, Queens and Bubalas’