Welcome back to Potomac! Where etiquette is everything and dropping your pants at a boat party is commonplace. It was tough to be apart from these ladies last week but the good news is, we’re officially getting a Season 2. I propose that they replace Ashley with an actual crab as one of the Housewives.
Speaking of people who could easily be replaced by a crab in a bandage dress, Katie spent this week being the ball and gala girl she brags about being who is surprisingly bad at planning balls and galas. Ashley still needs an assistant for unexplained reasons but the good news is, we’re getting a beach trip! I’ve been living for the idea of the ladies of Potomac getting together and amping up the drama on vacation, because so far Ashley’s drunk husband is the only one who truly has delivered. And Gizelle just being her perfect self.
Katie packs and Andrew continues to be a huge bummer by getting overly excited that she’ll be gone for four days. He’s a keeper! Put a ring on it! Meanwhile, the self-proclaimed Black Bill Gates totes around his wife Karen’s bags for her like the class act he is. I’d like to know how Beyonce feels about his Black Bill Gates status after releasing “Formation.” Was he who she spoke of? Anyway, Karen doesn’t share rooms and neither do I.
The good news is, we finally get details on Katie dating Russell Simmons! She still has him on speed dial. I’m suddenly very invested in their reconciliation. If I were a more annoying person, I would say that I ship this. Except maybe not because apparently Katie trash-talked him on the blogosphere like an episode of Lizzie McGuire? The good news is, Russell Simmons probably doesn’t know what a blog is, nor should he because he’s not some pedestrian. Katie + Russell Simmons/anyone but Andrew 4ever.
They arrive at Ashley’s beach house and it’s exactly the nightmarish hellscape you’d imagine. There are twin beds, pillows with loose tags hanging off, and a sad stainless steel table that look like it’s from Joey Tribbiani’s apartment in that one episode where he had his own apartment. We learn that Ashley and her husband are currently using the pull-out method as their preferred birth control. Throw a “Scarface” poster on the wall and it’s a college dorm room you can’t get out of fast enough.
At least Karen gets her own room. Charrisse and Gizelle disgusted, as are we all. They even look into nearby hotels, but nothing is available. Is their no budget for this show? The NYC ladies would be reeling right now. I’d take slumming it at Heather Thompson’s house in The Berkshires over this any day, and that’s saying something.
The next morning Gizelle leaves $20 for Ashley to make sure that her AC is working. These are the kinds of moves I like to see from my Real Housewives. Ashley has the nerve to tell Gizelle that she knew the AC didn’t work in her room but didn’t tell her because she knew she wouldn’t come then. This is worse than the cash bar situation. Ashley has the courtesy of a jerky middle schooler trying to coax you into going to their slumber party just so they can stick your hand in a cup of warm water.
The ladies go surfing, they tell Katie that she has a flat butt, Ashley has a tramp stamp, nothing to see here. Finally, Katie and some muggle who is there for some reason go to buy crabs!! Thank GOD! I finally get to see them munching on delicious crab treats again and it’s soon ruined by Ashley, the girl I continue to hate in middle school, talking about pooping in front of her husband. Really Ashley? Poop talk? Take it to the poop deck, I’d like to enjoy some crab.
Finally, the muggle who’s actually named Brynee but I refuse to acknowledge it, calls out Ashley for her pants dropping husband at the boat party AND Katie’s gross PDA. It’s sad when the one who isn’t even a cast member has to stir up trouble. We don’t need another morally corrupt Faye Resnick! Seriously, take the one we already have away, please.
The conversation soon moves to some real talk that is very unfunny including Charrisse’s marriage problems, Karen’s mother having early dementia, and Juan apparently stealing money from Robyn. Tears are shed and it’s a true bummer, but the good news is that Gizelle’s contribution to the sad stories is that she once had explosive diarrhea. I can’t get mad at the poop talk this time.
It looks like next week is where the true drama of this trip begins, so hang onto your pants!