Bad Yelp Reviews of Churches Are as Hilarious as You’d Expect

One Brooklyn church received two stars for turning into 'hipsterland'

Trinity Church.

Trinity Church. Wikimedia Commons

Most of us use Yelp to check out restaurants, but the site’s most dedicated users review a lot more than food and drink spots—and that includes churches. These passionate churchgoers give their congregations full reviews, describing everything from ambience and music to the friendliness of the pastor and how inspirational the sermons are.

The good reviews are pretty run-of-the-mill. The bad ones, however, are as hilarious as you’d expect. Some have complained about gossipy old ladies and rainbow flags (“typical New York”), as well as faded tombstones making them sad. One Brooklyn church received two stars for turning into “hipsterland.”

Here are a few rather entertaining bad Yelp reviews for churches in New York City:

1. This church is accused of being too exclusive

“Needed a holy place to do a quick prayer for an upcoming important thing.  I walked in with my companion and was turned out due to a ‘private event’.  No offer to join, no brochure, no holy welcome.  I felt like I was turned out of a nightclub. Moreover it seemed like there were rainbows everywhere, typical NYC church”—Nathan G. (Lutheran Church of Grace & St Paul in Manhattan)

2. Nicolas Cage gave this reviewer false expectations

“According to the movie National Treasure there’s supposed to be a ton of treasure under the church…but I couldn’t find it! Movies are always real and truthful I must not be looking hard enough, someone give me a hint?”—Thomas C. (Trinity Church in Manhattan)

3. LOL the bells are annoying

.”..Lol it’s true the bells are annoying. The old ladies here gossip a lot and I would know because my family is very involved with this church…”—L. T. (St. Barbara’s RC Church in Brooklyn)

4. 666 up your a—!!!

“This school is so up Gods ass they have no common sense. They took off my kids dress once because they claim she was “tapped” and was bleeding on it. I send her with a change of clothes (they ask parents to send by the way so they know there is extra cloths), but I still came to find her in tights. I could see her underwear!!! Then they expect 3 to 6yr olds to come to school with a change of shoes while it’s snowing then don’t help them change back into their boots! All 3 of my kids had their boots on backwards! Good job you fucking retarded c-nts! F—k you and Jesus! 666 up your a—!!!…”—Jonathan R. (Our Lady of the Angelus R C Church in Queens)

‘The floodgates opened and these ‘artists’ tried to be ‘edgy’ and wanted to create controversy and ended up driving this once beautiful space into the ground with malicious intent.’

5. Sloppy and irrelevant

“Honestly one of the worst masses I have ever been to. Boring, uninspired, sloppy and irrelevant”—Marilisa A. (Our Lady of Good Counsel Church in Manhattan)

6. Where is the tombstone preservation team?

“Many of the names on the tombstones have faded away, and that makes me a little sad. I hope they keep records of who is who in whatever spot they are in”—Jennie C. (Trinity Church in Manhattan)

7. The Brooklyn “artists” ruined it for everyone

“The Greenpoint Church was once a sacred sanctuary the community would embrace and it felt like a second home to many. Local bands, theater groups and clothing swaps kept the vibe upbeat and positive. God was the foundation of this church and the members would support one another during times of joy as well as hardship then everything went downhill. The new groups that came in were incredibly disrespectful of what worship in a holy sense actually meant. The floodgates opened and these ‘artists’ tried to be ‘edgy’ and wanted to create controversy and ended up driving this once beautiful space into the ground with malicious intent. My heart is heavy that Messiah has become just another soulless,  generic space in hipsterland”—Adena G. (Lutheran Church of the Messiah in Brooklyn)

8. Brownstone?!?

Yes, it’s beautiful from the outside, though the decision to build from brownstone rather than something harder (marble, limestone, granite) has taken its toll. The elements have worn away many of the finer details and Trinity has begun to look like a wedding cake left out in a gentle rain…—William B. (Trinity Church in Manhattan)

9. According to this reviewer, 10-year-olds harass mall-goers to pray with them

“I was not yet a teen when I saw my beloved movie theatre converted into an organization with a name as terrible and horrifically uncreative as ‘The Rock Church’. For nearly ten years, I walked by it on my way home from the station and for ten years, the location looks as if a tornado hit it. Apparently, the church will forever be under construction and when i see through the glass doors all the toddlers playing in the lobby stripped of floors or painted walls, i know there are numerous safety hazards in motion. The thing that bothers me the most are the recruiters the church sends out, usually to the surrounding mall or park. Constantly Ive been stopped and pressured into giving fake phone numbers to ‘the messengers of God’, I have noticed that they’ve gotten younger and younger. The other day, three ten year olds asked me to come back to church and pray with them”—Pearl H. (The Rock Community Church in Queens)

10. This church is apparently NOT on fire

“This is a liberal and very specifically a middle class clutch of all races. Intellectually interesting . But cliques abide and it is actually indifferent to the stranger in its midst. Outside of their middle class comfort zone, for those to radical or avant-garde or poor or different,there is no authentic welcoming. Minister is often oblivious. But music is good. Sad poor use of space, Church is half empty. Not on fire”—Elizabeth L. (Community Church of New York in Manhattan)

11. Singing is mandatory

“When I listen to Father William Krilis speak he has a very dark/negative side as Pastor…during the mass he is always asking for money and now the church is under construction when he gets up to speak he constantly has a way of asking for money for the church renovations. At times he can be very negative and rude he will go right up to people when he is entering the church if someone is not singing he tells them to get the pray book out and sing..he does not respect people for who they are…someone should give him some professional coaching on his behavior especially as a Pastor…Sorry to put this on yelp…”—Nina V. (Most Precious Blood Roman Catholic Church in Queens)

Bad Yelp Reviews of Churches Are as Hilarious as You’d Expect