‘Girls’ Recap 5×09: Love Stories

Hannah Horvath wouldn’t know love if it bit her in the tit.

Lena Dunham as Hannah Horvath.
Lena Dunham as Hannah Horvath.

According to Fran, Hannah wouldn’t know love if it bit her in the tit. And, judging by her relationship history, he’s probably right. But then again, the same goes for the majority of the people in Girls. In fact, Fran’s explanation of how he feels about Hannah sheds an unsettling light on how the Girls crew feels about romance: ““It doesn’t matter if I don’t like you, okay? I love you!” Even though that’s not the way people should think, it could be the logline for the entire show. Remember, folks: enjoying someone’s company is an important part of loving them!

Marnie, fresh out of her relationship with Desi, is already missing that kind of affection… because she has a sexy dream about Ray. And by sexy dream, I mean that she was brushing his hair. Is this the way that Marnie’s brain shows her that she’s desperate for normal, healthy love? Probably, but knowing Girls, she’s not going to get it.

Speaking of Ray, he’s busy being condescending to Shosh. She shows up at his coffee shop to say hi, and he says that she looks like “a full-grown woman now.” Yes, Ray, Shosh has been a woman for a while. Yet, despite that remark, she offers to help Ray market his business. After all, he does need the money– the place is entirely empty. So, the two decide to become business partners. What a fantastic idea for two people who are very likely still in love with each other! Nothing could go wrong here.

Meanwhile, Elijah is trying to find a suit that will say to Dill, “You should be monogamous with me!” I’m not sure if a gray jacket will convince someone to change their preferred relationship structure, but a man can try.

Hannah, no surprise, is quitting yet another job– this time, teaching. Because, you know, she wants to be more open to signals from the universe. Whatever that means. Principal Toby is completely okay with this– probably because he doesn’t want a teacher who shows her vagina to people whenever she gets upset. I’m sorry, why did keep her employed after she did that?

Outside, Hannah runs into an old college friend, Tallly, who is a published author. Tally asks if Hannah wants to hang out. And, since she just quit her job and no longer has a boyfriend, she’s technically free until Thanksgiving. I have a good feeling about this. Hannah needs some more supportive gal pals in her life.

In a park, Marnie and Desi are trying to figure out how they can work together and not rip each other’s throats out. Yet Desi’s new girlfriend, Tandice, is making that extremely difficult. She treats him like a child. (Sure, he acts like one, but come on, he is technically an adult man.) Yet, as Desi and Tandice walk away together, Marnie is left alone. I sense a theme in this episode– the women in Girls are finally getting their single on! If only they could be a little happier about it.

Meanwhile, we’re taking a Girls field trip to the newsroom, AKA Dill’s office. Elijah’s there, and he wants to have a deep talk. He tells Dill that, as a celebrity, he needs someone in his life who will actually be honest with him. He doesn’t need a horde of hot young things who will only tell him what he wants to hear. Then, in a moment of true, non-manipulative honesty– what show is this?– Elijah asks Dill if he wants a boyfriend. Dill confesses that yes, he does want a serious relationship. The moment is so sweet, until… Dill says that person isn’t Elijah. He wants someone who is less aimless. Ouch. Love is a cruel mistress.

On the other side of town, Shosh is surreptitiously taking notes on Ray’s coffee competition. She’s even wearing a big hat and writing in a field notebook. When the baristas ask what she’s doing, Shosh says that she’s making a poem out of found words. Good one. So, of course, they give her a few. Hipsters can’t resist a good poetry assignment.

In Brooklyn, Hannah catches up with her friend, Tally, over hot dogs. Turns out, Tally knows Adam’s ex, Mimi Rose Howard. In fact, she more than knows her– she wants to murder her: “If she fucks with me at one more TEDx Women’s event, I’m going to kill her, and then I will rejoice.” I’m pretty sure she’s joking. But that’s still amazing. Then, Hannah tells Tally that Jessa and Adam are dating, which is weird because she loves and hates them both at the same time. Tally is concerned for Hannah’s emotional wellbeing…. so she tells her to steal a bike. Great advice. Aaaaaand, of course Hannah does it. Hooray for the start of a new life!

Back in coffee sleuthsville, Shosh proposes that Ray market his place as a destination for anti-hipsters. Genius. Meanwhile, Hannah and Tally smoke a fat blunt. Tally, whose writing Hannah admires, admits that she Googles herself everyday, and lives for the validation of others. Too real. Hannah confesses that she feels like she’s not doing anything with her life. (Fair point.) So, to feel less shitty, the two smoke some more. Here’s to drugs!

Later, Marnie shows up at Ray’s door and makes your everyday romantic confession…. She wants to brush his hair. Of course, they don’t actually do that, and make out instead. IT FINALLY HAPPENED. Then, using a line that I think is supposed to be romantic, Marnie says, “I love you… but it can’t be you.” Seriously? If someone said that to me, I’d leave on the spot. But, for some reason, Ray stays and continues the makeout session. I guess Shosh is out of the picture.

Hannah and Tally are ending their day-long friend date, when Adam and Jessa enter the building. And, since Hannah and Tally are high out of their minds, they cannot stop laughing at this awkward encounter. Sure, it’s a little sad that Hannah has to see a lost love with her best friend… but at least the giggling gives us hope for her future. Symbolism! Maybe something good will happen to someone, anyone, in the next episode. We can only hope.

‘Girls’ Recap 5×09: Love Stories