A Definitive Ranking of All 26 Contestants on ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 12

Santa Clause standing next to a white, snowy blizzard.

Santa Claus standing next to a white, snowy blizzard. ABC

Get out your favorite v-neck and chain, because it’s Bachelorette season. I’ve ranked all 26 contestants in order, from most terrible to most likely to appear next to Bachelorette JoJo on the cover of People Magazine and then announce a quiet separation six months later.

26. EVAN

Going for the "amateur hypnotist" look

Going for the “amateur hypnotist” look ABC

First Impression:

His weird hair flip/goatee combination is bad enough, but when you scroll down and see he’s 33 it becomes unforgivable. 33 is the age where you should know that you will never pull off the Orlando-Bloom-in-Pirates-of-the-Caribbean look.

Notable Biography Answers:

Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert

What does this mean!?! Please, someone explain this to me. I see two options here. Evan is either a) an employee for Viagara and/or Pfizer, or (b) someone with a rudimentary understanding of jokes and a penis that doesn’t work right.

What are your deal-breakers when it comes to relationships?
–Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.

Clearly you have a mature understanding of the complicated factors that allow to people to commit to one another.

Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing?
–Booty – love it!

What is “Booty” dancing? And why am I so creeped out by you?

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.

…..

Conclusion:

Please take a seat, Evan.

25. BRANDON

"I listen to super indie bands. You know, like The Kooks? Ever heard of them?"

“I listen to super indie bands. You know, like The Kooks? Ever heard of them?” ABC

First Impression:

Dollar store Lee Pace

Notable Biography Answers:

Occupation: Hipster

No. No. Stop it. This is not a job. This is not something that people proudly call themselves. If you were really a hipster your occupation would read “barista at a vegan, locally sourced bakery/vape shop” or “cobbler.”

Tattoos: No.

You’re not even a good hipster!

Conclusions:

Aside from his height (6’4”) he doesn’t seem to have much going for him. Also he seems like a weenie.

24. NICK S.

That hair is ROCK HARD.

That hair is ROCK HARD. ABC

First Impression:

The type of boy who’d tell you, “No way man, drugs are for losers and squares” if you passed him a joint at a party. And hold on–is that a neckerchief?

Notable Biography Answers:

What is your greatest achievement to date? Eagle Scout

Good for you, champ. Does that explain the neckerchief?

Conclusion:

Honestly, he’s just very boring. He is the first on this list of the roving gang of Brown Hair Blue Eye Men who swarm the ABC studio lot after hours and I hope he’s eliminated soon.

23. VINNY

ANOTHER TERRIBLE LIGHT YELLOW V-NECK

The meringue-yellow v-neck is not a good look. ABC

First Impression:

What an awful haircut.

Notable Biography Answers:

Occupation: Barber

EXCUSE ME.

Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do?
–Use turkey meat.

I feel like maybe he didn’t understand the question here and thought it was actually meatloaf-related.

Conclusion:

Maybe it’s because his name is Vinny, or maybe it’s how he said that when he was 16, he flew to Mexico to surprise his “boys,” but I’m going to say this guy like Entourage unironically, and way too much.

22. NICK B.

The cousin you're worried about inviting to your wedding.

The cousin you’re worried about inviting to your wedding. ABC

First Impression:

ANOTHER LIGHT YELLOW V-NECK.

Notable Biography Answers:

What is your favorite magazine?
–Ducks Unlimited.

I have never heard of this magazine and I do not want to find out what it is.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?
–I would be the woman I want to marry so I could find out what’s in her head. Plus, I’m pretty sure I could only last a day being inside a woman’s head. 🙂

Women, amirite?!?

Conclusion:

If this man isn’t from Florida I will be very surprised.

21. JAMES TAYLOR

WHAT IS ON YOUR HEAD

WHAT IS ON YOUR HEAD ABC

First Impression:

However long it took you to craft that curl on your head, you should have spent that time doing literally anything else.

Notable Biography Answers:

Occupation: Singer-Songwriter

Okay. I get what this is. Yes, there are three (3) brown-haired white men named James this season, but instead of going by James T., you just love laughing and saying, “Hah! No, I’m not that James Taylor. But,” and you pull out your guitar, “I am a singer-songwriter!” I see right through you, James Taylor.

Conclusion:

My prediction is he’s going to be the one that complains about the other boys “not being there for the right reasons.” He might make it farther than this but I already hate him.

20. LUKE S.

These guys sure do love necklaces.

These guys sure do love necklaces. ABC

First Impression:

[Fake Spanish accent] “Hello, my love. Have you ever danced with the flame of the night?”

Notable Biography Answers:

If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why?
–Superman, because he’s got swag and powers.

Okay, let’s make one thing clear Luke S.: Superman has the LEAST swag of any super hero out there. Superman has powers, sure, but he does not have swag. And if you think he does, honestly that concerns me.

Conclusion:

Why do I feel like this guy has a mini-fridge of Four Loko?

19. JAMES F.

5 years until he starts getting hair plugs.

5 years until he starts getting hair plugs. ABC

First Impression:

Paul Ryan’s widow-peak twin!

Notable Biography Answers:

Do you follow a specific diet?
–Yes, carb cycling.

I don’t know what carb cycling is, but I would never tell James F. that because he would probably spend 40 minutes describing it in detail.

What is your all-time favorite book and why?
–Besides the Bible (since that seems cliché!), I liked The Circle series by Ted Dekker, or Wizard’s First Rule. Both create such vivid battle scenes you can almost smell the environment.

It’s just like Harold Bloom says: It’s not a good book unless you can smell a battle scene.

Conclusion:

He’s a boxing club owner and very proud of himself. He probably uses the word “ketosis” at least twice per conversation. I feel like spending 20 minutes with him would make me physically and mentally exhausted.

18. GRANT

Hey look! Not a white guy!

Hey look! Not a white guy! ABC

First Impression:

“We are very hip and diverse!” – ABC

Notable Biography Answers:

What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
–Evaded police in Mexico on an ATV.

Between this and the El Chapo escapes, I am really beginning to doubt the efficacy of the Mexican police.

If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why?
–I’d be a field agent for the FBI.

Not after that stunt you pulled in Mexico, buddy!

What’s your worst date memory?
–Getting lunch with a girl and listening to her talk about Harry Potter for 20 minutes.

What is wrong with you? That sounds like the BEST date.

Conclusion:

I’m still mad about that Harry Potter thing.

17. COLEY

Something about that smile makes me want to hold my wallet tighter.

Something about that smile makes me want to hold my wallet tighter. ABC

First Impression:

Like Shia LeBeouf in a funhouse mirror

Notable Biography Answers:

What’s your favorite holiday and why?
–4th of July…because ‘Merica.

It’s “‘Murica.” At least get the wrong spelling right.

What’s your all-time favorite book and why?
–The Harry Potter series. It’s something that I grew up with and it got me into reading.

Stay away from Grant!!!

Conclusion:

Bonus points for liking Harry Potter, but those points are canceled out for being named “Coley.”

16. DANIEL

[skin melts off like wax]

[skin melts off like wax] ABC

First Impression:

A human being somehow caught in the uncanny valley.

Notable Biography Answers:

Tattoos: No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.

Hey! That’s exactly what Kim Kardashian says!

Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public?
–Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?

You really need to stop calling yourself a lambo.

Conclusion:

Does… Does this guy actually think he’s a car? Daniel was once a Lamborghini that, through the power of love, has been transformed into an asshole.

15. James S.

Hello I am Brunette Man

Hello I am Brunette Man! ABC

First Impression:

I literally forget his face the minute I turn away.

Notable Biography Answers:

Occupation: Bachelor Superfan

Jennifer Weiner is the ONLY person who gets to say that’s their occupation.

If you could be any superhero, which one would you be and why?
–Duh, Superman! He can’t die and there’s no such thing as Kryptonite on Earth, so I’d be set.

Okay, Superman CAN die. He has died a bunch of times. What is with this group of Bachelorette contestants who don’t understand Superman?

Conclusion:

If we morphed together the faces of every Bachelorette contestant in history, you’d get this guy.

14. SAL

He's going to bring flowers right when he meets her, isn't he.

He’s going to bring flowers right when he meets her, isn’t he. ABC

First Impression:

Brown hair blue eyes brown hair blue eyes brown eyes brown hair eyes hair hair blue eyes

Notable Biography Answers:

There is literally nothing interesting about any of the answers he gives. 

Conclusion:

Who? 

13. PETER

Shave your mustache. You're not the Lobby Boy at the Grand Budapest Hotel.

Shave your mustache. You’re not the Lobby Boy at the Grand Budapest Hotel. ABC

First Impression:

Like British comic actor Matthew Baynton if he had a mustache!

Notable Biography Answers:

What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked?
–Sk8er boi. I also went through a pretty ‘thuggish’ stage.

If you’re white, and I’m pretty sure you are because you’re a contestant on The Bachelorette, you shouldn’t say that.

Conclusion:

To my memory, the Bachelorette has never chosen a man with a mustache.

12. JONATHAN

What kind of shirt is this. No, really. Look at those cuffs.

What kind of shirt is this. No, really. Look at those cuffs. ABC

First Impression:

Asian, but not to worry, Middle America: not too Asian.

Notable Biography Answers:

Who is your favorite author?
–J.D. Salinger or R.L. Stine

You do know you’re allowed to read after you turn 14, right?

Conclusion:

All in all he seems like an okay guy. If ABC ever let The Bachelorette pick someone who wasn’t white, I’d rank him higher.

11. JAKE

Check out that v-neck UNDER the button-down!

Check out that v-neck UNDER the button-down! ABC

First Impression:

It’s the black guy! Give yourselves a pat on the back, ABC.

Notable Biography Answers:

All-time favorite movies: Ninja Turtles III, Skyfall, The Hangover

Ninja Turtles III? Really? You’re going to go with Ninja Turtles III as FIRST on your list?

Conclusion: 

JoJo will have to let him stay through the first week so she doesn’t seem racist, but then he’s out of there.

10. ALI

Another plausibly non-white contestant!

Another plausibly non-white contestant! ABC

First Impression: 

Eyebrows. But–wait for it–he pulls them off!

Notable Biography Answers:

What are your three best attributes?
–Sense of humor, sweet, caring 

The noun, adjective, adjective order here really rubs me the wrong way.

Conclusion:

He’s cute, but he’s not a former pro-athlete or body builder or real estate agent so I don’t see how he’s doing to do well in this game.

9. ALEX

Like if you took Eli Roth and just brought the Eli Rothness down a little.

Like if you took Eli Roth and just brought the Eli Rothness down a little. ABC

First Impression:

He’s a Marine, and all of his favorite movies (Troy, Inglorious Basterds, 300) are war-themed, so he knows his brand.

Notable Biography Answers:

Do you like to go out dancing?
–Not really. I typically will only slow dance. I’m not into the whole “booty dancing” thing.

Looks like someone else was creeped out by Evan!

Conclusion:

He’s cute, but at 5’7” I feel like JoJo won’t be into it.

8. CHRISTIAN

Look at that smile!

Look at that smile! ABC

First Impression:

LOOK AT THAT SMILE!

Notable Biography Answers:

All-time favorite movies: The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, The Matrix

If these are your top three movies, I’m going to assume you’ve actually never seen a movie in your life.

Conclusion:

See previously mentioned rule about Black contestants.

7. WILL 

"I'm supposed to wear a v-neck, right?"

“I’m supposed to wear a v-neck, right?” ABC

First Impression: 

Just generically handsome enough to be eliminated in the third round and have a few people be sad about it.

Notable Biography Answers:

Height: 6’2 ½”

Awww. How many years old are you? 

Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing?
–Yes, my go to move is called “Bernie-ing.” It is loosely based on the 80’s classic “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

I actually would love to see him do this.

Conclusion:

Which brown hair blue eye is this again? Help they’re all blending together!

6. ROBBY

Just a normal human male! Not a computer, why would you even say that hahaha I understand how jokes work. Humor!

Just a normal human male! Not a computer, why would you even say that hahaha I understand how jokes work. Humor! ABC

First Impression:

Great scruff. Expert scruff. Please, do go on.

Notable Biography Answers:

Occupation: Former Competitive Swimmer

Historically, former athletes who are up to nothing now do pretty well on this show, so, so far, I’m optimistic.

Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public?
–Yes, I have spent more of my life in a Speedo than in everyday clothes! #swimmerproblems

Please don’t hashtag your Bachelorette biography. You don’t need to do that.

Do you like to dress up or do you prefer casual attire as a rule?
–I love more than anything to dress up!

Okay, the order of the words here don’t really make sense.

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
–Hopeless romantic. Because there is nothing more satisfying than a genuine, big smile from the girl you would give the world to

I’m having trouble believing this a man who understands how normal human communication works.

Conclusion:

This is an AI seeing if it can pass the Turing Test on this show and so far it’s doing a pretty good job.

5. DEREK

"I'm white, I'm white! I'm just tan!"

“I’m white, I’m white! I’m just tan!” ABC

First Impression:

He gets the rose for bluest eyes, which gives him 5 weeks immunity.

Notable Biography Answers:

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island?
–As long as the island wasn’t covered in cucumbers, I’d be all right. The only thing a man really needs is duct tape.

You answered this question wrong in almost every possible way and have only left me with more questions.

 Conclusion:

Since it’s possible he’s not white he can’t win this, but at least he seems like fun.

4. JORDAN

I am not convinced this isn't a dog in human form.

I am not convinced this isn’t a dog in human form. ABC

First Impressions:

He has the warm eyes of a Golden Retriever and the silky mane of an Irish Setter.

Notable Biography Answers:

Occupation: Former Pro Quarterback

This is yours to lose, Jordan!

What’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom?
–Try to hang a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder.

Oh, we’ve got ourselves a comedian.

Conclusion:

Look how sweet he looks. And a former pro QB? Top 5 guaranteed.

3. WELLS

Oh hey. Hi there. Hi. Sorry! Ahhhh let me start again.

Oh hey. Hi there. Hi. Sorry! Ahhhh let me start again. ABC

First Impression:

You look way too cool to be on The Bachelorette. I can’t stop looking at your face. I might keep this one picture saved to my desktop. The hearts were already there.

Notable Biography Answers:

Describe your idea of the ultimate date:
–Really good tacos, a great live band, a walk around the city, and wine and cheese on my front porch as Otis Redding plays on my turntable.

Oh my god, please marry me.

Conclusion:

Are you single? And/or interested in writers? I don’t think he’ll actually make it this far, but I just want to look at him for as long as possible.

 2. CHASE 

The smile doesn't reach his eyes.

The smile doesn’t reach his eyes. ABC

First Impression:

So he has the haircut down, and the v-neck, but where’s the chain.

Notable Biography Answers:

Tattoos: Yes. Lion on my left ribs.

Wow, sounds like he has terrible taste in tattoos.

All-time favorite movies: Gladiator, Ace Ventura, The Chronicles of Narnia

Wow, sounds like he has terrible taste in movies.

 Conclusion:

Generically handsome, an actual job (Medical Sales Rep)–seems like he’ll be okay.

1. CHAD

"How about you leave winning this to the pros."

“How about you leave winning this to the pros.” ABC

First Impression:

He looks like he should be dating Jenny Slate

Notable Biography Answers:

What are your three best attributes?
–Confidence, good-hearted, witty

Noun, adjective, adjective. Come on, guy, you’re going to win this one.

Do you enjoy camping?
–Yes! Did a lot of it in the Marine Corps.

Alright we get it, you’re going to win.

What is your greatest achievement to date?
–Being born good looking.

Ugh.

Conclusion:

Just because you’re going to win doesn’t mean I have to like you.

A Definitive Ranking of All 26 Contestants on ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 12