‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ Season 12 Premiere: Out with the Old

Kim Kardashian, wearing roughly 1300 dead rare birds.

Kim Kardashian, wearing roughly 1300 dead rare birds. Courtesy of E!

They’re baaaaack! After a drought, a barren wasteland of backlogged episodes of “I Am Cait” filling your DVR because you’re never in the mood to watch it, we get our precious royal family back and badder than ever this week. Welcome to Season 12!

We open with Kris and Khloe helping get Lamar’s house together for his return from the hospital. How sweet! Scott is also moving to be closer to the kids in Calabasas. How sweet! This is all fun and well and full of emotional conversations to be had over salad. Scott and Kris to a healthy cooking class at the Four Seasons together! I think that’s the fifth step.

Kourtney is going to be on “Ellen” and feels weird about dancing. Same. She dances anyway. Wow, so brave.

Khloe goes on Howard Stern and doesn’t feel weird about opening up about her family’s issues. Caitlyn gets upset and texts her about it and Khloe gets pissed! Even saying, “I don’t have a relationship with her.” Woah, this hurt me to my core! Caitlyn then calls Kris saying that no one is allowed to talk about her. This feels extreme. I am not Team Kris but I felt for her in this moment, as she tearfully defended Khloe’s right to talk about the person who spent so much of her life raising her. I hope these guys can work it out because I always thought Caitlyn and Khloe had a really nice relationship before Caitlyn transitioned.

But the real meat of this episode is that VOLDEMORT IS BACK, and he is back in a big way. We always knew the dark lord would return and this time he brought Blac Chyna with him as his Bellatrix Lestrange. I love Rob and Blac Chyna and hope they stay together forever.

Now, we don’t actually see Rob this episode because, let’s face it, Voldemort usually doesn’t show up until the last twenty minutes of the movie, but we get a lot of information that is cause for concern. Number one: Khloe kicks him out of the house for sneaking around with Blac Chyna. Number two: Kendall finds out via Instagram that Rob gave Blac Chyna the iPad she got him for Christmas. Number three: Kylie and Kim suspect that Kris is helping Rob with a down payment to buy a house next to Blac Chyna. Three strikes you’re out!

All the sisters seem to believe that Rob’s dating Blac Chyna is a HUGE ISSUE, which is so unclear to me. I mean I know she’s Tyga’s ex, but are we really choosing Kylie and Tyga as the winning couple in this situation. I feel like that needs to be reevaluated. Kim and Kylie tell Kris that she is the problem for enabling Rob, but I’m pretty sure Tyga is the problem for being the one that dated a seventeen-year-old when he was twenty-five. Just a thought!

Kris threw back at Kim by pointing out that she was the one who was married for seventy-two days. I’m very into Kris this week.

To end things, Scott goes missing. Great. This occurs after he’s been spending all his time presumably partying with the guy everyone’s so staunch in defending, Tyga. What a guy, that Tyga. It almost makes me regret how many times I listened to “Rack City” in college. Almost. Kourtney seems to be the only one concerned that Tyga may be the real problem of the family, and poor Kylie just can’t even deal because she’s eighteen and honestly shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of complicated, adult drama.

Anyway, I’m not saying the Potters? The Weasleys? Yeah, The Kardashians are probably the Weasleys in this situation… I’m not saying The Weasleys should support Voldemort but I’m maybe saying Voldemort might actually be Tyga and Rob is just like, Percy or something. This metaphor is getting very convoluted but that doesn’t mean I won’t continue using it! See you all next week!

‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ Season 12 Premiere: Out with the Old