Thoughts I Imagine Going Through This Guy’s Head On The ‘Assassin’s Creed’ Poster

Looks like you've gotten yourself into another pickle.

Looks like you’ve gotten yourself into another pickle. Ubisoft/20th Century Fox

It is really hard to see people I need to assassinate from this high up. To be honest, everyone kind of looks like ants, and we’re all in the same goddam leather capes. I can’t make anyone out.

C’mon, Kevin, get it together. You climbed all the way up this building; you’re not going to come down already. It’s been like four minutes.

And even if you were going to climb down, what would you do? Crouch down, shimmy slowly down the turret step by step? Goddam it, that won’t look cool at all!

And it doesn’t even matter how cool I probably look right now. It’s not like anyone is behind me watching me.

Holt shit but if someone is, I should throw my arms out. That’ll look really badass.

Okay not all the way out–I don’t want people to think I’m a cross, you know, like the ones on every other building in this city. Just akimbo, to show off my sweet finger blades.

Jesus it is windy up here.

Why did I choose such a small platform? There has to be a goddam rooftop where I could look menacing and not be a single misstep of my leather boots away from a renaissance death.

Well, you’re stuck, Kevin. You got yourself into quite the mess. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Why did I come up here again? I mean, presumably it was to get a better view of the city so I could see all of the criminals and people I need to assassinate, but even if I do see someone, it’s going to take me 45 minutes to climb down from here. And it’s not like I can fly, so it’s going to take me even longer to get to wherever I saw the crime happening in the distance.

Or I could jump! I’m an assassin! Jumping from hundreds of feet in the air is definitely a power assassins have. But even then, we go back to that problem of just landing at the foot of this tower, and still having to run through the city to get at the people who need assassinating.

I guess Mom was right. You never should have become an assassin. I hate this.

There have been 11 birds that shat on me already.

Thoughts I Imagine Going Through This Guy’s Head On The ‘Assassin’s Creed’ Poster