Hey everyone! Small class today, huh? Hopefully some people will sneak in. Trains can be tough the day after The Purge. Thank you all for showing up. I know how hard it is to get to an Introduction to Shakespeare class the day after The Purge. Shakespeare doesn’t seem so important when you’ve just seen your loved ones either die or be reduced to animals, but as the immortal Bard would agree, the show must go on!
Let’s do a quick attendance, and then we can get started. I, um… I hate this part. This is the worst moment of the entire year, so let’s just get this over with. Normally I would have Brian, my TA, do this, but he has not showed up yet today. I am very concerned.
Ok, Michael Anderson? Oh hey there, Michael, did you happen to do the assignment? You were too busy preparing for The Purge? Fair.
Brett Collins? Brett? Has anyone heard from Brett? Do we know if Brett is late or if he died in The Purge last night? Ok, I’m marking him as absent, but hopefully he will show up.
Bradley Fuller? Bradley? Bradley? Bradley is absent. God bless Bradley.
Sarah Friedman? Sarah? No Sarah, huh. Ok, well, that is… that is sad.
Neil Hill? Oh thank God. Hello, Neil. If you are going to bleed out, please feel free to take care of it. You do not need to ask for permission to go to the bathroom, as it appears you have been sliced with a sword.
Mary Kinneman? I do not see Mary in class today. Good God, I hope Mary withdrew from this class and did not die in The Purge last night.
Victor Lopez? Victor is not here. I can’t do this anymore. This is terrible. I mean, God bless our New Founding Fathers, but this is just too hard. I’m trying to teach you guys Macbeth for God’s sakes, but I can’t if half the class died in The Purge.
Rebecca McCarthy? Rebecca! I have never been so happy to see anyone before in my entire life. Did you do the reading?
Ok, guys. Please stop using The Purge as a reason for not doing the assignments. We all have to deal with The Purge. You know it’s coming ahead of time, so please plan around it.
Richie O’Neill? Oh, is that you behind that terrifying mask of the Statue of Liberty with demon eyes? Please take the mask off for class. The Purge is over. I know it’s not illegal to wear masks, but I feel like it is in bad taste.
Gary Prince? Gary? Gary seems like a guy who would Purge, so I’m going to go ahead and mark him as “likely dead from The Purge.”
Dolores Reynolds? Benjamin Sanford? Frankie Statler? All absent.
Ok, let’s just get a quick little cry in here before we finish attendance. It’s hard enough getting attached to students before they graduate, but losing so many in The Purge is especially tough. It reminds me of the tragic events of Romeo and Juliet, only not romantic and so much worse.
Ok, let’s just quickly finish this up. Blessed be America, a nation reborn.
Gloria Tavares? Gloria is here! Looking extremely haunted, but here.
Joey Teller? Oh, yes. Joey actually emailed me and let me know that he was being chased by patriotic clowns and was likely going to miss class today.
Oh, Sarah Friedman! You showed up. Thank God. Class did start fifteen minutes ago. I am going to have to mark you as late, even if the interstate is littered with exploded armored trucks. It’s that way every year, and you should factor that in to your travel time.
Lastly, we have Benjamin Young. Isn’t that Benjamin in the back? Can someone please poke Benjamin to see if he is sleeping or has died from Purge wounds? Benjamin! Please stay awake. None of us got any sleep last night because of fear of The Purge. That cannot be an excuse.
If you all could please all sit in the first few rows, this will be much less depressing. Since no one read Othello, today we will all read to ourselves and silently cry.