INT. A Westerosi McDonalds, which is basically a normal McDonalds but with less light, more tapestries, and a problem with killing off gay characters.
Jon Snow sits at a table with a red-headed woman (looks 26, actually 432 years old) he’s “sort of dating.” At the counter, Tormund Giantsbane makes sexy eyes at a 6-and-a-half foot tall blonde woman making french fries. Elsewhere, Davos Seaworth reaches into a Happy Meal and pulls out a wooden stag toy. His face falls. A McDonalds employee taps Jon on the shoulder, hands him a note written in ketchup on a napkin.
Jon Snow [reading]: “You allowed thousands of Wildlings into this McDonalds. You have betrayed your own kind. You have betrayed the North. The Play Place is mine, bastard. I’m lovin’ it . . .”
Jon looks up from the letter, towards the McDonald’s Play Place. Ramsay Bolton peers out from the blue twisty slide. A Bolton banner hangs from the red slide, which is less twisty but still looks super fun. The entire Play Place is flanked by double the crew Jon has at his table. Like, seriously, 15 dudes. Jon looks back to the letter.
Jon Snow [reading]: “Your brother Rickon is in my ball pit, his direwolf’s skin is on the floor. I’m lovin’ it . . .I want my bride back, send her to me, bastard, and I will not trouble you or that woman you’re only sort of dating. Keep her from me and I come over to your table and devour every quarter-pounder, McChicken, and Shamrock Shake, which is only available for a limited time. You will watch as my soldiers take turns double-dipping into your honey mustard packets, you will watch as my dogs ravage those leftover fries that you always find at the bottom of the bag. You know the ones. I’m lovin’ it.”
Jon crushes the note in his hand, so angry he doesn’t even notice he’s getting ketchup everywhere. He stands. The red-headed woman he’s only sort of dating puts a hand on his shoulder.
Red-Headed Woman: Oh Jesus, just ignore it, Jon. You don’t even know that guy.
Jon Snow: What should I do? What should I do differently?!
Red-Headed Woman: I don’t know, maybe just leave this McDonalds? Also he’s got like, seriously, 15 dudes with him.
Jon Snow: Battles have been won against greater odds.
Red-Headed Woman: Jesus it’s bad enough you took me to McDonalds. It’s like 8 on a Friday can we just go. Christ, is there a new Two and a Half Men on in like —
Jon Snow: That’s not enough men! There’s never going to BE enough–
Ramsay Bolton [from Play Place]: Hey!
Jon turns to the Play Place, sword drawn.
Ramsay Bolton: Two and Half Men fucking sucks!
Jon CHARGES across the McDonalds, all thought of strategy or tactics forgotten. Balls from the ball pit rain down around him, completely missing Jon but slaughtering countless other guys that don’t really have a vested interest in this fight. Screaming, louder even than the normal amount of screaming in a McDonalds on a Friday night, fills the air.
Davos: We might as well be chickenshit back here.
McDonalds Employee [from freezer]: We actually keep all the chickenshit back here.
Davos charges. Tormund charges. It’s chaos in the McDonalds. Bodies pile up everywhere — the front counter, the eating area, the section where McDonalds keeps it’s dead body pile. Ramsay’s 15 dudes meets Jon’s seven-ish dudes. Bodies fall. After a while, it’s impossible to discern what is McDonald’s meat and what is human meat. It makes no difference. Finally, after a prolonged, brutal, claustrophobic battle that also brings up ethical questions about the use of real horses for TV stunts, Jon and Co. are surrounded. All hope is lost…
…until, in the distance, a horn sounds. Reinforcements POUR into the McDonalds from the parking lot, scattering Ramsay’s forces of like, seriously, 15 dudes. Jon, shocked, looks toward the parking lot to see — Sansa Stark. Next to her, sitting astride a stallion, smug and triumphant — the Burger King. Jon smiles. The day is won. The McDonalds Play Place belongs to the Stark once more. Rickon died in the battle, by the way, but that’s not a huge loss all things considered. Amid the celebratory fray, the red-headed woman Jon is only sort of dating turns Jon around.
Red-Headed Woman: Hey, Jon…
WHAM! She punches Jon directly in the eye. Jon goes down, unconscious but staring straight ahead with dead eyes. As we fade to black, blood slowly pools behind his head. A long beat, and then:
Jon Snow sits on a stool, talking into a camera.
Jon Snow: …so yeah I went to the King of the North audition with a black eye. Which, I think, that girl who punched me in the face may have helped me get the job. So if you’re watching, thank you.
Off-camera, Sansa and the Burger King share a dark look. Sansa understands. The King will have it his way.