Reasons I, Dana Schwartz, Should Be the Next Bachelorette

How about a Bachelorette who is COOL ENOUGH TO WEAR SUNGLASSES, ABC
How about a Bachelorette who is COOL ENOUGH TO WEAR SUNGLASSES, ABC Dana Schwartz/ABC

If anyone has any connections at ABC, please forward this along and consider it my formal application. #DanaForBachelorette.

1. I’m pretty sure you’ve never had a Jewish Bachelorette before.

I can’t be 100% sure because I haven’t done any research, but from those home visits, everyone seems pretty goyish. Time to break the matzo ceiling. EDIT: O.K., MAYBE Andi was Jewish but come on.

2. You’ve definitely never had a kind of mean feminist Bachelorette.

As weird as it is to participate on a reality show where the hand of a woman in marriage is the ostensible prize, I will make sure to keep any and all dumb bros in line

3. I’m smart.

Think of that speech that Andy Sachs gives at the beginning of Devil Wears Prada. That’s me! Plus, I went to Brown so I’m basically Emma Watson. It’s not that I don’t think the other Bachelorettes have been intelligent, but I want these boys to be intimidated by me. Let’s ask them all what they got on their SATs. Side note: Brown is good because it means I’m smart, but still approachable, unlike those braniacs on nerd-duty over at Harvard.

4. I’ll switch up the type of guys they bring in.

We’re all tired of the generically handsome brunette with blue eyes. Get me some nice Jewish boys. I want some adorable redheads in the mix. And British boys. Lots of British boys. Maybe just do my whole season in England, I don’t know, I’m not a TV-show maker but I think it could be great.

5. I will not be able to keep my mouth shut.

I will tell it exactly as it is. When a boy rides in on a horse and serenades me, I will call him out for what he is: cheesy AF. The audience needs a surrogate. I will be a living life tweet of the show. They need to tell us what their real jobs! Don’t tell me you’re a “former” something or other. Are you unemployed? Is that what you’re telling us? READ A BOOK, BRIAN.

6. I will not know any of the bands you make us slow dance to on our one-on-one dates, and I will make that very clear.

I am not good at pretending.

7. I have the best date ideas. No more horseback rides on the beach and meals in suspiciously empty lobbies.

My date ideas:

Rocky Horror midnight screening

-Trip to Harry Potter World

-Ice cream factory

-Feminist book club

-Neil Gaiman lecture

-Pixar movie marathon

-A second ice cream factory (to compare)

8. I have no idea how to do that pretty curling-iron-loose-waves thing that all of the Bachelorettes always do to their hair, so this would be an adventure for all of us.

Reasons I, Dana Schwartz, Should Be the Next Bachelorette