Previously on “A Quick Word From”…
Hello, my name is Benjamin, and I am the moving statue who salutes to Lindsey Lohan’s Hallie Parker in the 1999 remake of the The Parent Trap. Needless to say, I have some things I’d like to get off my chest.
First and foremost, I’d like to apologize for causing children to assume that an actual bronze statue sprung to life. This was never my intention, so my bad. I am a painted man who stays very still so people will give me money. I am not an actual statue that smiled at Hallie through the magic of London. For children that did not know about the insane culture of painted statue men, I understand how this could have been confusing.
I’m a big distraction, and I’m sorry.
For those of you who don’t remember me, I appear about 36 minutes and five seconds into the movie during the sequence where Hallie Parker is pretending to be her British sister Annie and visiting London for the first time. Scored to The La’s “There She Goes,” the montage features several real statues, and then suddenly me, a bronze soldier who moves like the Tin Man to wave hello.
For little kids who didn’t know what moving statues were, this understandably seemed like the one moment of magical realism in a relatively grounded movie. If I were an actual statue brought to life, the movie would have to suddenly shift from being about a couple that handles custody poorly to a Night at the Museum-ish caper about landmarks coming to life. This does not happen. The movie stays a lighthearted family comedy about twin jokes.
This likely caused many youngsters to spend the entire rest of the movie wondering when the amazing statue was going to come back. Perhaps I emerge from the lake to further scare the evil Meredith Blake. Maybe I am the bewitched captain of the Queen Elizabeth 2. What if it turns out that I, an enchanted statue, am the real “magic in a young girl’s life?”
But no, I’m just a man in a costume who seems like the result of sorcery because of weird editing.
I would like to say that there absolutely must be a deleted scene in which Annie explains London’s moving statues to Hallie. Otherwise, Hallie, a girl raised in the moving-statueless California vineyards, would have absolutely freaked out upon seeing an inanimate object move like a human. This would immediately blow her cover to the butler Martin, ruining the entire twin-swapping plan. So, sometime after the girls realize they both eat peanut butter similarly, there was likely an entire lesson about moving statues. It’s a shame we didn’t get to watch that scene. I guess they thought dangerous back alley ear piercings were more vital to the movie’s success.
So I apologize for temporarily derailing the movie and for being an overall confounding presence. If you have any questions or comments, I will be standing immobile on a London street-corner all week, moving only to wave to young girls visiting London for the first time.
I know that this is scary, but I cannot help it. I would stop if I could, but this shiny paint never really comes off.
