A Quick Word From: Wendy Peffercorn From ‘The Sandlot’, the Next Time a Kid Drowns

Previously on “A Quick Word From”…

Never again, Squints. Never again.

Never again, Squints. Never again. 20th Century Fox

A child is drowning!

No. No. Not falling for it. I know how this ends. I save this drowning kid, and it’ll turn out he’s faking it so I do mouth-to-mouth and he can kiss me. Classic hot lifeguard prank. I will not let this happen to me again. Squints already did this to me once. It’s creepy, intrusive, and extremely problematic. I’m sick of it.

Everyone’s looking up at me like “save the flailing child.” He may have you all fooled, but not me. I can spot a faker when I see one.

Wendy, the child is lifeless at the bottom of the pool. This one might be for real.

No. That’s what he wants you to think. I am sick of kissing nerdy preteens. It’s not cool at all to fake a drowning so you can force someone to kiss you. I don’t need to make this child a misguided legend to his friends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. That’s a problem. Some legends should die.

Lots of parents are screaming at me to do something. Don’t give in. Keep oiling up, and play the waiting game. He can’t stay under forever.

Well, yes, he could. He can stay under forever if he’s actually drowning.

Wendy, no. If you save this child, the next thing you know he will be making out with you as The Drifter’s “This Magic Moment” plays. Let him drown.

I’m a lifeguard. It’s my job to save this child. Maybe I could save him and try to shake him awake in case he’s faking it? Or, like, tickle him?

Goddamn Squints. This is all his fault. Now every single time anyone is in danger, I assume they are trying to kiss me. That’s a terrible thing to put on someone. I will never marry Squints, no matter what the narration at the end of the movie says. It makes no sense. I’m at least six years older than him and extremely out of his league. In what world do we even talk after he faked his drowning to kiss me? I just can’t see that happening.

I need to save this child. I can’t let a boy die on the off-chance it’s a prank. I’m going in.

Ok, he feels pretty drowned. I don’t think this is a prank. Check for vitals, but be thorough. I am not doing mouth-to-mouth on a conscious kid who has been practicing holding his breath for years.

He’s not moving. Hurry up and do it. Kiss the life back into him, Wendy. If this child dies, it is Squint’s fault, not yours.

Stop checking to see if he is smiling. It’s more important to save his life than to make sure he’s not enjoying the CPR. He’s alive. He’s coughing up water. I saved him. I saved the child.

Now kick him out of the pool forever in case he meant to do that.

A Quick Word From: Wendy Peffercorn From ‘The Sandlot’, the Next Time a Kid Drowns