‘Big Brother’ Week Five Recap: Forget Paris

Paul finds Paris

Paul finds Paris CBS

I love players that are terrible at Big Brother. Bad game, while frustrating to the purists, can be just as much fun as exquisite game. And no shade, Vic is very bad at the game of Big Brother. But Vic is also as entertaining as they come. Vic is like the Big Brother version of Martin Short’s character in Pure Luck. Eugene Procter literally walks into a sliding door because it didn’t open up for him and then by because of that he accidentally solves a murder. That’s so Vic. The Battle Back comp allowed one of the first five evicted houseguests to return. And numbers-wise Tiffany had the best shot because she only had to win one competition because she was the most recently evicted. Glenn would have had to win four to make it. But Vic came thru with the three straight to take the literal belt. Shout out to Big Brother for making a championship belt that Austin will never get his hands on. 

This was a tough choice to figure out to root for because Jozea is also very bad at Big Brother and highly fun to watch. But ultimately I’m glad it was Vic because he’s just so earnest about it all. He beat Bronte, the math nerd, at a comp where she threw all equations out the window and just started trying random sequences not realizing that there were like sixty five thousand possible combinations. And I’m not even mad about it because I know if I was on the show I’d blow the comp where you have to spell a word and be revealed as a fraud. But Vic immediately came back and started make Vic moves. In the HoH endurance comp, he called for a bottle of water to be tossed to him and when he went to catch it he fell off the platform. Even the person throwing the bottle to him was like “seriously, you really want me to do this?” and they completely benefit from him biting it. James won after some public drama played out about Nicole telling Frank that Da’vonne was after him. Da’Vonne and Bridgette throw it to James after he promised not to put any of them up. But then the house got to him and he broke his word, setting up Frank and Bridgette. Shout out to Bridgette for doing that comp on a bum ankle, though, that was impressive. True grit, Jeff Bridges. 

Cut to another Vic move. Now back in the house, Paul tried to catch him up with everything going on. He told him to lay low and not play alpha dog, shout out to Justin Timberlake’s best movie role. So Vic goes to talk to James to tell him he’s onboard with the plan to put up Frank and Bridgette, except he does it in front of Natalie. Nat is in a showmance with James, she gave him a smooch on the lips after he won. But she’s also friends with Bridgette and didn’t know that was the plan. Smooth move Exlax, shout to Rose McGowan. 

With Frank and Bridgette on the block, the main thing is to not them win the veto. This one was the Otev comp which is a fan favorite. But they made Otev a snarky British EDM DJ who sounded like when Kirk Cameron becomes Dudley Moore in Like Father Like Son. I might never use the word “dope” again because this Otev mess killed it and buried it and then dug it up and cremated it. Michelle won. Everyone calls her Big Meech, whipping work hallelujah, now and she hates Bridgette because I guess everyone has a crush on Frank now. Meech had a nice little wipe out on the slippery slide. There’s a Mr. Bean vignette where he falls asleep in church and slowly drips off the pew and onto the floor and ends up balanced like a tripod on his knees and heads with his feet up in the air. Michelle did that but in full speed real time, Bill Maher. Bridgette wanted to know why Michelle always gives her crap and Michelle is like “I’m nice to you sometimes” which is so cold and perfect and my favorite line ever on this show after “Geek squad McGee.” Frank tries to utilize this crush by getting Michelle to use the veto so Paul calls a house meeting because he’s sick of all this. Frank says he wants them to use the veto and put Da up which never happens in this house, just coming and straightforward like that. Then Paulie one-ups him being like “I don’t want to see you try and fail, this plan won’t work, you’re done.” Why Paulie isn’t on everyones radar I don’t get. 

There’s another twist and it’s a secret room and there are clues all over the house. I can’t really talk about it because I just started watching Lost a decade late and so all these details about secret rooms and flights and bunkers is very triggering to me. I love you forever Hurley. Paul figures out you have to dial “PARIS” into the upstairs phone booth and a tunnel open to a secret room that is called Paris but looks like more like a meadow, and not the Sopranos kind. Pauls gets in there and then everyone does and so now they all have cards that are opened after you’re evicted and puts you back in the game. But they expire August 18 so you can’t come in third and then use it to win with it. 

The most important thing that happened this week though was during Frank’s eviction speech, this man who I wanted to production to remove from the house, somehow basically quoted TJ Lavin. Frank dropped a “Don’t take care, hope to never see you again, sorry not sorry.” My worlds are colliding. Frank got evicted 9-0 and didn’t have the return ticket. It’s anybody’s game, but man would it be great to see Vic stumble his way into a win. People would go nuts. Let’s do it. I’m nice to you sometimes. 

‘Big Brother’ Week Five Recap: Forget Paris