While all you fools are running around doing things like getting fresh air and meeting new people, I’ve been inside with the blinds drawn, eagerly awaiting announcements of new Pokémon from the upcoming Sun and Moon.
Six new critters were announced today, bringing the total of new standard Pokémon to 21. And hoo boy, are they doozies. I suppose with 729 Pokémon already “discovered,” the good folks over at Nintendo are running a bit low on either creative juice or the will to keep going. (Anyone remember Trubbish, the actual bag of garbage from Black and White?)
But these new guys take the cake. The thought process behind each is wonderfully obvious. Everything is either cute or a literal household object that was lying around the conference room at 11pm on the night before the final list was due.
Rowlet: This bow-tied gentleman owl Pokémon boasts moves such as “Bring The Car Around,” “Breakfast In Bed,” and “Crawl Into The Underbrush To Fetch A Golf Ball You’ve Hit Off The Fairway.”
Litten: It’s Lit-ten! It’s a kitten on fire mixed with 2015’s worst slang phrase. It also has this delightfully sardonic expression, as if it still says, “it’s lit!” with its friends but only ironically.
Popplio: I’m waiting for the Blackfish-style exposé that brings to light the cruel and inhumane practices behind the mass training of Popplios. Sure, you say you’ll boycott SeaWorld, but will you really not choose this little seal guy with a freakin’ clown nose as your water-type starter?
Rockruff: It’s a terrier. Lillipup was also a terrier, but the difference is that Rockruff will probably evolve into a wolf. That’s the only difference. They’re both crazy cute, and they both make me miss the Westie I had growing up. Damn it. Stupid Rockruff.
Komala: This blue koala is the Log Lady of Pokémon, clinging to one at all times and preparing itself to inexplicably become a fan favorite. The description says something about how if you drink a Komala’s saliva it’ll help you sleep, but that’s too gross and I stopped reading.
Pikipek: Pikipek is a woodpecker that steals shiny stuff like a magpie. Its name also almost works instead of the word “Kookaburra” in the song, so that’s three cool birds wrapped up in one Pokémon. Count me as impressed. It takes very little to impress me in Generation VII.
Yungoos: Yung Goos is Riki Tiki Tavi’s little cousin who’s dead set on making it as a rapper. Yung Goos doesn’t not look like Yung Lean, but this Loitering Pokémon (how is that a thing??) should probably stop hanging out in front of convenience stores trying to pass out its mixtape.
Grubbin: As a kid, I once helped my dad dig a vegetable garden until I saw a grub, freaked out, and ran inside. Grubbin’s like that, but with two pincers out front to grab your toes as you pick tomatoes. “It’ll probably evolve into something cool, though,” you say. “After all, it’s a Larva Pokémon…”
Charjabug: IT’S A LITERAL PHONE CHARGER MIXED WITH A BUG AND IT’S CALLED CHARJABUG.
Vikavolt: Okay, fine, so the Grubbin-Charjabug atrocity does finally evolve into a badass dragonfly thing. No one’s going to get to that point, though, come on. Can you imagine sending Charjabug out in battle? I’d rather just keep my ‘Bug in my backpack for when my friend Shannon’s phone inevitably runs out of battery every time we hang out. Please upgrade from your 4S, Shannon.
Drampa: Drampa is what happens when you take Falkor the Luck Dragon and and change its name to “Grandpa” and then realize you should probably reiterate that it’s a dragon. I can’t wait to see what happens when ol’ Dramps performs its ability “Berserk” and starts showing off the shrapnel in its ass that it got in the Battle of the Bulge.
Bruxish: I can’t see Bruxish’s fabulous visage without thinking about this tweet from Buzzfeed’s Christian Zamora:
Cutiefly: It’s a cute fly. That’s about it.
Togedemaru: It’s a cute Pikachu retread. That’s about it.
Salandit: Salandit is obviously a criminal salamander. Totodile, probably because of its raccoon eyes, always seemed to me like a criminal crocodile. Nintendo isn’t trying to convince you of anything about reptiles – it just wants to lay out all the information for you and let you draw your own conclusions.
Bewear: Bewear is this huge, black-and-pink, teddy bear-looking thing that likes to hug but is also known as the super-dangerous “Fighting King of the Forest.” Props for actually creating something mostly original. I’m also excited to say “Beware!” in a spooky voice whenever I send one out in battle.
Mimikyu: What if Scarecrow from Batman Begins had a change of heart à la Monsters, Inc. and started visiting children’s hospitals to brighten the kids’ day? That’s a terrible idea, you say? Don’t tell that to Mimikyu.
Wimpod: It’s a “cowardly” purple horseshoe crab with the ability “Wimp Out.” God, these are lame.
Bounsweet: A bouncy strawberry that allegedly isn’t an Oddish. So named because strawberries are sweet and they bounce when you throw them on the ground. I just wasted most of a small carton of strawberries trying to prove that.
Comfey: Sun and Moon is set on an archipelago called Alola, which is pretty clearly Hawaii. I guess that explains why Comfey is a literal lei with a face on it. I guess.
Mudsdale: It’s about time the Clydesdales from those Budweiser commercials got their own Pokémon. Can you imagine the revenue if Mudsdale was called Budsdale? So many children would start buying beer. Share prices would go through the roof. Just seems like a missed opportunity to me, all I’m saying.