The L-Train, like everything else in Williamsburg, is thinking of taking some time off its career to work on itself. That means if you want to continue to live in north Brooklyn, you can no longer surf atop it like a great white Maud ‘Dib every morning as you plow through indigenous Brooklyn neighborhoods and into Manhattan to do battle with aristocratic villains while fighting the unwavering prophecy that you will eventually wake up, look in the mirror, and realize that you have become them. (Retroactive Spoiler Alert: Sorry, Dune has been out for 50 years and I’m not even sure I got that right at ALL). Point is, I recently went shopping for a bike so I could survive the “Winter is Coming” disaster of Brooklyn 2019.
I was going to buy this relatively affordable bicycle that I’m told would afford me an extra amount of control while regulating my heart rate and requiring minimal repairs, but when the clerk told me it was called a “fixed gear” I involuntarily screamed “FIXED!! DEBBIE WASSERMAN SCHULTZ!!” at him and went into a sort of anaphylactic shock. They brought out the adrenaline needle from Pulp Fiction, stabbed me in the heart, and when I woke up I apologized and explained that I couldn’t buy a fixed gear because for some reason I’m under the impression that they’re bad even though I haven’t been on a bike for 8 years. Anyways I ended up throwing out the whole bicycle idea and joining this great ride-sharing app called BandWagn. No stupid fixed gear bicycles for me, I’m on BandWagn.
This whole thing took up so much time to work out that I missed a lot of what’s been going on lately and had to catch up really fast. Apparently they re-booted Ghostbusters and made it all female, which I am FOR, but then they also re-booted Pepsi and made it white, which I am AGAINST. I haven’t seen Ghostbusters or tried the cis white Pepsi but I don’t need to, I’ve got all the information I need. I also haven’t seen Stranger Things but I’m certain it’s the best thing I’ve ever not seen because of how much everyone around me seems to like it. This is a method of informational intake known as “speed memeing” and it’s used by 29 year old geniuses all over the world to consume media and form opinions at a very fast rate so as to save time for writing long Facebook posts about personal growth.
That being said, I did watch Twin Peaks recently because as it turns out, It’s a class C misdemeanor in Brooklyn to wear black jorts in the month of August without knowing the phrase “the owls are not what they seem.” So I took some “L-Train time” to myself and got the whole thing out of the way. Listen, I watched Twin Peaks and I am a hundred percent not lying when I say I guarantee you that I definitely understood it and am smart.
The story of Twin Peaks begins when an old man in a Paddington Bear costume finds the dead body of a girl named Laura Palmer on the beach. This is big deal because Laura Palmer was the Yas Queen of her high school, which is important if you’re from a small town where they don’t have any good music venues or anything. When the police are deemed unable to handle the the case on their own (because they are mostly busy listening to Breaking Benjamin and protesting the one minority in all of Oregon), they call in a special 30th level agent from the FBI (Funniest Blokes Improv school) to do some real investigating.
What follows is a confusing mess that nearly tears apart an entire community revealing its complex social structure and underdeveloped capacity for dealing with a tragedy out in the open when the local police are clearly under equipped to do so themselves. If there’s one theme that really resonates through Twin Peaks, it’s the ability of people to “post” a polite and ideal version of their “face” in public, which ultimately remains inconsistent with their private “book” ish selves for various reasons such as an inability to live up to their own standards or just outright lying to get ahead in the business world of Twin Peaks. It’s almost as if their “social” lives are mere avatars used to hide the flawed dark twisting trenches of their personal lives, and David Lynch is using a multitude of “media” to explain this to us. Also the soundtrack is BANANAS.
The cast, too large to list here, includes such gems as the aforementioned Agent Dale Cooper (one of those retired rockabilly guys who still greases their hair but wears suits to conceal the beer gut), Dr. Lawrence Jacoby (3D-Glasses Billy Joel), Log Lady (pre internet Safe Space Activist), Leo Johnson (pre internet Men’s Rights Activist), Ben Horne (pre internet Trump), and Killer Bob (Nightwolf from Mortal Kombat III aged 30 years).
So Dale Cooper investigates the murder of Laura Palmer and after finding a Banksy under her fingernail deems the whole thing a Pretty Little Liars mystery and gets to work. He’s then visited in his dreams by a Die Antwoord video that delivers him some Aesop Rock lyrics about owls and eventually somehow figures out that there’s not only a ghost possessing people around town but also a real live serial killer afoot and also there are 2 bars in the woods that each have some kind of evil Google Fiber connection to hell or something. The show ends on a cliffhanger because as much as we love the 90’s, it hated itself.
So what is Twin Peaks about? Asking that question is much like being a character IN Twin Peaks and asking someone about the Palmer murder, or like using a certain social media site and asking a friend about the controversial story of the week. You can ask me what Twin Peaks is about but you shouldn’t because you should already know. I know what it’s about because I’m smart and very cool and I like interesting things and am a good person and I read many nonfiction books. You do too right? Because you are one of the good people and not one of the bad people, right? Right, so then there’s no reason for us to talk about this, because we both totally are not lying when we say we get Twin Peaks.